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Robert Novak Drives to Top of McCain VP List

Washington, DC -- Deposed GOP presidential aspirant Mitt Romney is in serious but stable condition due to injuries he sustained while crossing a street in the nation's capital Wednesday morning.

Accident scene eyewitnesses said the fabulously handsome former governor of Massachusetts was in a marked pedestrian crosswalk on K Street when a speeding Chevrolet Corvette convertible driven by semi-conservative commentator Robert Novak struck him.

"The good-looking guy tried to get out of the way," U.S. Treasury clerk Amanda Boatswain told a WJLA-TV reporter, "but the ugly guy in the black 'Vette swerved to nail him. It was horrific."

"They went three or four blocks with -- I guess you said it was Governor Romney -- sprawled on the car's windshield," Ms. Boatswain added. "The poor man looked more surprised than hurt."

British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

Obama: New Yorker Cover Real After All

New York, NY -- Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama withdrew his initial criticism of The New Yorker magazine's controversial front cover illustration featuring the Senator and his wife Michelle.

Within an hour of the July 16th issue's release, Mr. Obama's staff had released a vitriolic protest of the caricature produced by Canadian-born cartoonist Barry Blitt, but the campaign's harsh words were soon recanted.

"The Senator's outrage was entirely understandable," said Mr. Obama's communications director Bill Burton. "He simply didn't expect anything like that to come from such a normally left-leaning source. Then he talked to Mrs. Obama and they agreed The New Yorker pretty much nailed it."

"However," Mr. Burton continued, "at no time or under any circumstance has Senator Obama ever consumed a human infant. He is not a baby-eater."

Rush Limbaugh Turns Down Obama VP Job

Denver, CO -- Radio talk-show pundit Rush Limbaugh became the latest notable public figure to remove his or her own name from consideration as Democratic Senator Barack Obama's vice presidential running mate.

Mr. Limbaugh's announcement followed recent similar rejections by Ohio Governor Ted Strickland, U.S. Senator Jim Webb of Virginia, and supermodel Christie Brinkley.

"If nominated I will not run," Mr. Limbaugh commented on-air Tuesday, "if elected I will not serve, if indicted I will not cooperate."

"I feel a strong sense of duty to my country," the fleshy yet chunky conservative maven added, "short of actually serving in the military or anything like that. I believe I can do America and myself the most good by blathering away right here in this broadcast studio."

Weakened in Paradise

Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.

Some of my enemies don't believe I have a reflection, but I do have one and it's rather attractive. I'm handsome in a non-traditional, asymmetric, rugged, quirky, funny-looking way.

Genetic attributes have a lot to do with it, of course, but my family's DNA chain has had its fair share of broken or missing links. My father always told me he's not sure about my mother's identity because he was really drunk the night I was conceived. 

Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

Depression Not So Great

New York, NY -- Last Friday's stock market near-crash sent waves of intestinal cramps rippling through the world's investment community.

With the Dow Jones Industrial Average having lost more value than at any time post-1929 and reaching its lowest point in the past 22 months, the current financial crisis is taking a psychological and emotional toll on jittery investors.

"I used to think my trading experience and insider knowledge would give me the edge when it came time to set up my own retirement fund," said Wall Street commodities broker Simon Kaplan. "Now I might have to break the lease on my 7-Series BMW. I'm very depressed."

Rafael Nadal Back Together with Pamela Anderson

London, England -- The on-again, off-again relationship of tennis superstar Rafael Nadal and plush toy Pamela Anderson is definitely on—and hotter than ever.

Nadal, the number two ranked tennis player in the world, took a break from embarrassing his tournament opponents Friday by spending quality time with his sexpot main squeeze.

Although he is most famous for his prowess on hard clay courts, Nadal is proud of his overall versatility, saying, "I think I have already proven my capabilities on soft, slippery surfaces."

"If you do not believe me," he added, "just ask Pamela."

You All Look Like Ants to Me

Special Report -- I quit my day job yesterday. I just couldn't imagine growing old with those people.

How they hated me!

The company for which I worked sold stuff. I don't remember what, exactly—it's not important now because it certainly wasn't important then. Anyway, trucks would bring stuff to our building and people would empty the trucks and put the stuff in other trucks that would then leave. In trade lingo, that's known as commerce.

My part, as I understood it, involved reviewing printouts that detailed the difference between the number of trucks coming in and the trucks going away. That's called profit margin, another industry term.

I'm very competitive. I'm more competitive than most other people, and I do it better than anyone else. Why should I let losers and douchebags slow me down? My ex-boss Beverly, who looked like the exact opposite of Jessica Alba, said my approach was a way of achieving sales leadership. 

Some of the people with whom I worked exerted more energy avoiding doing their jobs than they would have spent if they had just done what they were paid to do. That's called management.