smithismyrealname.com

Weakened in Paradise

Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.

Some of my enemies don't believe I have a reflection, but I do have one and it's rather attractive. I'm handsome in a non-traditional, asymmetric, rugged, quirky, funny-looking way.

Genetic attributes have a lot to do with it, of course, but my family's DNA chain has had its fair share of broken or missing links. My father always told me he's not sure about my mother's identity because he was really drunk the night I was conceived. 

Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

The Associated Press vs. Everybody Else

New York, NY -- The most recognized icon of all news gathering organizations made number one in the pool of Internet communications last week.

The Associated Press (AP) sent a letter to the stylistically-challenged left wing blog Drudge Retort and demanded site owner Rogers Cadenhead's removal of boring quotations sourced from AP stories.

Additionally, the AP made clear to all and sundry it would charge fees every time its copyrighted material is excerpted, alluded to, or dreamed about.

Apple: Old iPhone Junk, New Version Shinier Than Ever

San Francisco, CA -- Less than one year after the introduction of Apple's revolutionary iPhone, the anticipated launch of that device's presumed successor has the consumer electronics market barely able to keep from peeing itself.

Apple's 2008 Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) will commence in San Francisco on Monday, and dozens of people have already died or been injured in the frenzy to discover the new 3G iPhone's feature set.

"The next-generation iPhone will be faster, sleeker, friendlier, larger, smaller, prettier, smoother, and shinier than anything we've come up with so far," said Apple marketing specialist Kurt Chen. "Is it worth risking your life to own one? We think so."

McCain: Robots Will Replace Bloggers by 2009

Washington, DC -- Senator John McCain fired back at newspaper editors, TV pundits, and Internet bloggers Tuesday by delivering a scathing rebuke via telegram.

The presumptive Republican presidential nominee declared himself "totally up to here" with "lousy wisecracks" and "smartypants conjecture" about his supposed antiquity, bad temper, marital infidelity, and slavish devotion to lobbyists.

"Question: what do you call a hundred thousand bloggers bound in chains at the bottom of the ocean?" Mr. McCain wired friends, family, supporters, and Fox News. "Answer: the first month of my presidential administration."

Microsoft to Merge with Scarlett Johansson

Redmond, WA -- Having failed to get into Yahoo!'s pants, Microsoft Corporation changed tactics and announced its intention to acquire beautiful 23-year-old movie actress Scarlett Johansson.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer explained the software/Internet giant's plan during a press conference on Monday.

"We simply must possess Scarlett before Apple or Google put the moves on her," Mr. Ballmer said. "The last time our stockholders were this excited was when we settled our monopoly case in 2001."

"Scarlett is super-pretty and super-hot," he added. "We just want to stroke her hair and maybe turn her into a game or a screensaver or something."

Britney Spears Not That Messed Up, Internet Collapses

Burbank, CA -- Troubled pop diva Britney Spears shocked her critics by delivering a stunning guest performance on the CBS TV series How I Met Your Mother, which aired Monday night.

According to reviews, Ms. Spears played her role with commitment, focus, and a true sense of purpose—much the same way she applies herself to self-destructive partying and tediously predictable crotch shots.

"I wanted to prove I could still get the job done," an enthusiastic and remarkably coherent Spears told reporters Tuesday. "It was important for me to reveal my deeply private inner self through the medium of acting, in much the same way I let paparazzi see my cooter."

Video Gamers to Handle National Defense, Homeland Security

Washington, DC -- White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced a new Executive Order intended to bolster America's resistance to terrorism and nuclear missile attacks. The plan, unveiled Thursday at a briefing in the Rose Garden, is founded on mobilization and deployment of the nation's video game addicts and exploiting their unique skill set.

"President Bush is calling on all gamers to beat their Nintendo, PlayStation, or Xbox consoles into swords." Ms. Perino said in her remarks, "The President's initiative will enable our uniquely qualified experts to combat the evil objectives of other uniquely qualified experts who intend to do the United States harm."

Reaction from a random sampling of the nearly 155 million U.S. gaming junkies was generally positive, although a majority of those surveyed refused to pause their games and respond to requests for an interview.

Most Bluetooth Phones Not Connected to Service

Seattle, WA -- Recently leaked corporate inter-office memos reveal that most of the Bluetooth-compatible mobile phone headsets sold are not really transmitting or receiving messages. Although the innovative ear-worn phone interface connects with popular cellular telecommunications providers, the vast majority of Bluetooth users are crazy people who simply talk to themselves or to imaginary persons.

"Back when cellular phones first became available," said Seattle resident Harry "Itchy" David, "I liked to carry a TV remote control and talk into it. Phones got smaller a few years ago and I switched to a garage door opener. My job as a school bus driver is very demanding of my attention, so I really enjoy the hands-free convenience of my Nokia Bluetooth headset."

"The Bluetooth Fairy brought me a dongle to connect my phone to the network," Mr. David added, "I mean, I don't have service so I didn't need it, but I do like saying 'dongle'. Dongle, dongle, dongle."

Miley Cyrus Makes Offer To Buy Microsoft

Redmond, WA -- Fifteen-year-old pop singer and actress Miley Cyrus rocked the business world Friday by announcing her intent to purchase the assets of software giant Microsoft Corporation for an undisclosed sum. Internationally famous as the genetic source of her cloned body double Hannah Montana, Ms. Cyrus made the offer at the climax of a really totally kickin' private concert staged for Microsoft's board of directors.

"We've got a lot on our plate right now," said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, "what with making our own offer for Yahoo! and competition with Google and everything, but that talented little Miley is so damned cute we may not be able to resist."