Mountain View, CA -- A comprehensive review of previously published data is now leading analysts to a startling conclusion: the Internet is saturated, and has been since the summer of 2006.
Based on documents, reports, and purely speculative conjecture, the majority of new content uploaded to the World Wide Web simply sinks quietly into fuzzy digital noise.
"There's valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day," said Google Inc.'s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. "Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical 'news' blogs."
"Fake news bloggers are the worst," Mr. Humes added. "The half-baked stories and made-up quotes -- who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they're like big douchebags full of crap."
San Francisco, CA -- From its inception, the Internet used to be universally accessible, but current trends indicate it is now reserved for the exclusive use of an elitist cadre of frustrated, whining wiseacres.
Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.
Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.
New York, NY -- The most recognized icon of all news gathering organizations made number one in the pool of Internet communications last week.
San Francisco, CA -- Less than one year after the introduction of Apple's revolutionary iPhone, the anticipated launch of that device's presumed successor has the consumer electronics market barely able to keep from peeing itself.
Washington, DC -- Senator John McCain fired back at newspaper editors, TV pundits, and Internet bloggers Tuesday by delivering a scathing rebuke via telegram.
Redmond, WA -- Having failed to get into Yahoo!'s pants, Microsoft Corporation changed tactics and announced its intention to acquire beautiful 23-year-old movie actress Scarlett Johansson.







