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Internet Filled to Capacity in 2006

Mountain View, CA -- A comprehensive review of previously published data is now leading analysts to a startling conclusion: the Internet is saturated, and has been since the summer of 2006.

Based on documents, reports, and purely speculative conjecture, the majority of new content uploaded to the World Wide Web simply sinks quietly into fuzzy digital noise.

"There's valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day," said Google Inc.'s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. "Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical 'news' blogs."

"Fake news bloggers are the worst," Mr. Humes added. "The half-baked stories and made-up quotes -- who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they're like big douchebags full of crap."

Graphic Artists Edited by Recession, Nepotism

Springfield, IL -- Investment bankers and automobile factory workers are not the only wage slaves feeling the pinch of a souring economy.

In the most blatant demonstration of corporate desperation and cost-cutting so far, graphic artists and designers are being kicked to the curb. Their numbers are increasing daily.

"CEOs and managers used to doodle concepts on napkins and Post-it notes and send them to the art department for refinement," said panic-decision expert Norm Delahaye. "Nowadays, the original thumbnail sketches are simply scanned and published -- with no apologies and no regrets."

"An art degree and five dollars will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks," Mr. Delahaye continued, "which is where a lot of displaced visual stylists are going to end up working."

I'm Almost Popular: From the Editor's Inbox

Dear my friend,

Katrine is what my parents call my naming. Your eyes it is who I am writing these note. You to see, it is me who is telling you about I am lonely girl who only wants to seek to meet nice guy who are feeling same.

For sure I am to live in Estonia and it is unstoppable in these remoteness and not too many nice guys so that I am thinking to use these English and talk to new friends I have not meeting on these Internet.

My picture is attacked to these massage for your special looking and I hope you think my parts are pretty. In my town place they say I am face-nice and athleticism and probably fruitful. For sure to saying I would wish to meeting you soonest and talking about my favorite things interesting you.

Internet Overrun by Whiny Commenters

San Francisco, CA -- From its inception, the Internet used to be universally accessible, but current trends indicate it is now reserved for the exclusive use of an elitist cadre of frustrated, whining wiseacres.

These Web-based bullies -- living in their mother's remodeled basement bedrooms and hiding behind online aliases -- find it is much easier to submit snarky, cynical criticism than to actually compose worthwhile original content.

Consuming massive bandwidth every time they upload crudely Photoshopped images of Britney Spears spanking Miley Cyrus, and bantering with like-minded trolls while taking breaks from surfing explicit Internet porn, Web bullies loaf along in the passing lane of the information superhighway.

"It's as if they've invaded the 'Net," said Mountlake Terrace, WA Web-user profiling expert Dom Traynor. "If you have ever wondered what your employer's IT guys do during their off-time, this is it. Actually, a lot of them do it at work, too."

"Those geeks are mean," he continued, "and some of them are just bug-eating crazy."

Weakened in Paradise

Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.

Some of my enemies don't believe I have a reflection, but I do have one and it's rather attractive. I'm handsome in a non-traditional, asymmetric, rugged, quirky, funny-looking way.

Genetic attributes have a lot to do with it, of course, but my family's DNA chain has had its fair share of broken or missing links. My father always told me he's not sure about my mother's identity because he was really drunk the night I was conceived. 

Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

The Associated Press vs. Everybody Else

New York, NY -- The most recognized icon of all news gathering organizations made number one in the pool of Internet communications last week.

The Associated Press (AP) sent a letter to the stylistically-challenged left wing blog Drudge Retort and demanded site owner Rogers Cadenhead's removal of boring quotations sourced from AP stories.

Additionally, the AP made clear to all and sundry it would charge fees every time its copyrighted material is excerpted, alluded to, or dreamed about.

Apple: Old iPhone Junk, New Version Shinier Than Ever

San Francisco, CA -- Less than one year after the introduction of Apple's revolutionary iPhone, the anticipated launch of that device's presumed successor has the consumer electronics market barely able to keep from peeing itself.

Apple's 2008 Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) will commence in San Francisco on Monday, and dozens of people have already died or been injured in the frenzy to discover the new 3G iPhone's feature set.

"The next-generation iPhone will be faster, sleeker, friendlier, larger, smaller, prettier, smoother, and shinier than anything we've come up with so far," said Apple marketing specialist Kurt Chen. "Is it worth risking your life to own one? We think so."

McCain: Robots Will Replace Bloggers by 2009

Washington, DC -- Senator John McCain fired back at newspaper editors, TV pundits, and Internet bloggers Tuesday by delivering a scathing rebuke via telegram.

The presumptive Republican presidential nominee declared himself "totally up to here" with "lousy wisecracks" and "smartypants conjecture" about his supposed antiquity, bad temper, marital infidelity, and slavish devotion to lobbyists.

"Question: what do you call a hundred thousand bloggers bound in chains at the bottom of the ocean?" Mr. McCain wired friends, family, supporters, and Fox News. "Answer: the first month of my presidential administration."

Microsoft to Merge with Scarlett Johansson

Redmond, WA -- Having failed to get into Yahoo!'s pants, Microsoft Corporation changed tactics and announced its intention to acquire beautiful 23-year-old movie actress Scarlett Johansson.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer explained the software/Internet giant's plan during a press conference on Monday.

"We simply must possess Scarlett before Apple or Google put the moves on her," Mr. Ballmer said. "The last time our stockholders were this excited was when we settled our monopoly case in 2001."

"Scarlett is super-pretty and super-hot," he added. "We just want to stroke her hair and maybe turn her into a game or a screensaver or something."