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Internet Filled to Capacity in 2006

Mountain View, CA -- A comprehensive review of previously published data is now leading analysts to a startling conclusion: the Internet is saturated, and has been since the summer of 2006.

Based on documents, reports, and purely speculative conjecture, the majority of new content uploaded to the World Wide Web simply sinks quietly into fuzzy digital noise.

"There's valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day," said Google Inc.'s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. "Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical 'news' blogs."

"Fake news bloggers are the worst," Mr. Humes added. "The half-baked stories and made-up quotes -- who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they're like big douchebags full of crap."

Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say

New York, NY -- It's never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America's 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.

The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency -- casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.

A storm surge of windy rhetoric, bad-humored sound bites, and overheated metaphors threatens the coastlines of this nation's political scene.

"Our focus is not just on winning," said Republican strategist Payton Conch of Tupelo, MS. "It's about change and a vision for the future. Wait. No. It's totally about winning."

There's a Party in My Pants

Editor's note: Bob C. is on location in St. Paul, live-blogging the 2008 Republican National Convention. Here is a summary of his reports.

Wednesday, September 3

11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills -- and strong hands like a farmer's wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.

12:56PM I use the restroom. Four men -- plainclothes security, I assume -- are beating the crap out of a twenty-something guy. I don't know if he is a protester or maybe a delegate who questioned the Party platform.

2.30PM More procedural stuff. Blah, blah, blah. Republicans sure love to read long lists of rules.

5:23PM I use the restroom again. No assaults this time, except on my sense of smell.

Internet Overrun by Whiny Commenters

San Francisco, CA -- From its inception, the Internet used to be universally accessible, but current trends indicate it is now reserved for the exclusive use of an elitist cadre of frustrated, whining wiseacres.

These Web-based bullies -- living in their mother's remodeled basement bedrooms and hiding behind online aliases -- find it is much easier to submit snarky, cynical criticism than to actually compose worthwhile original content.

Consuming massive bandwidth every time they upload crudely Photoshopped images of Britney Spears spanking Miley Cyrus, and bantering with like-minded trolls while taking breaks from surfing explicit Internet porn, Web bullies loaf along in the passing lane of the information superhighway.

"It's as if they've invaded the 'Net," said Mountlake Terrace, WA Web-user profiling expert Dom Traynor. "If you have ever wondered what your employer's IT guys do during their off-time, this is it. Actually, a lot of them do it at work, too."

"Those geeks are mean," he continued, "and some of them are just bug-eating crazy."

Rush Limbaugh Turns Down Obama VP Job

Denver, CO -- Radio talk-show pundit Rush Limbaugh became the latest notable public figure to remove his or her own name from consideration as Democratic Senator Barack Obama's vice presidential running mate.

Mr. Limbaugh's announcement followed recent similar rejections by Ohio Governor Ted Strickland, U.S. Senator Jim Webb of Virginia, and supermodel Christie Brinkley.

"If nominated I will not run," Mr. Limbaugh commented on-air Tuesday, "if elected I will not serve, if indicted I will not cooperate."

"I feel a strong sense of duty to my country," the fleshy yet chunky conservative maven added, "short of actually serving in the military or anything like that. I believe I can do America and myself the most good by blathering away right here in this broadcast studio."

McCain Offers $300M Award for New Campaign Staff

Fresno, CA -- Republican presidential challenger Senator John McCain announced his intention to bestow a 300 million dollar cash prize as a recruitment incentive for his new brain trust.

Mr. McCain also proposed $5,000 tax credits for any Americans who could provide "really good ideas" to his sputtering campaign.

The pugnacious yet combative presumptive 2008 GOP nominee made the offer during a speech at Fresno State University on Monday.

"Most of my existing team receives great compensation from the various corporations for which they lobby," said Mr. McCain, "but they still can't keep my White House bid off the guardrails. I'll miss them at first but I think I'll get over it."

"My friends," he continued, "I am determined to prove that throwing crazy amounts of money at a problem is the answer, as long as you have enough of it to spend."

The Associated Press vs. Everybody Else

New York, NY -- The most recognized icon of all news gathering organizations made number one in the pool of Internet communications last week.

The Associated Press (AP) sent a letter to the stylistically-challenged left wing blog Drudge Retort and demanded site owner Rogers Cadenhead's removal of boring quotations sourced from AP stories.

Additionally, the AP made clear to all and sundry it would charge fees every time its copyrighted material is excerpted, alluded to, or dreamed about.

Apple: Old iPhone Junk, New Version Shinier Than Ever

San Francisco, CA -- Less than one year after the introduction of Apple's revolutionary iPhone, the anticipated launch of that device's presumed successor has the consumer electronics market barely able to keep from peeing itself.

Apple's 2008 Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) will commence in San Francisco on Monday, and dozens of people have already died or been injured in the frenzy to discover the new 3G iPhone's feature set.

"The next-generation iPhone will be faster, sleeker, friendlier, larger, smaller, prettier, smoother, and shinier than anything we've come up with so far," said Apple marketing specialist Kurt Chen. "Is it worth risking your life to own one? We think so."

McCain: Robots Will Replace Bloggers by 2009

Washington, DC -- Senator John McCain fired back at newspaper editors, TV pundits, and Internet bloggers Tuesday by delivering a scathing rebuke via telegram.

The presumptive Republican presidential nominee declared himself "totally up to here" with "lousy wisecracks" and "smartypants conjecture" about his supposed antiquity, bad temper, marital infidelity, and slavish devotion to lobbyists.

"Question: what do you call a hundred thousand bloggers bound in chains at the bottom of the ocean?" Mr. McCain wired friends, family, supporters, and Fox News. "Answer: the first month of my presidential administration."

New Survey Says Polls are Meaningless Waste of Time

New York, NY -- Most opinion polls are useless pieces of crap—that's the conclusion drawn from a new survey released on Thursday. The margin of error for this damning assessment is plus or minus seventy-five percentage points.

Survey respondents were asked to answer wide-ranging questions about the U.S. economy, the 2008 presidential election, and general world affairs. These issues were carefully mixed with queries related to opinion polls themselves. The results paint a disturbing picture of what we think we know about what we think we know.