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McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

G8 Kind of Sucks

Sapporo, Japan -- Thousands of protesters grotesquely resembling world leaders have begun gathering on Japan's Hokkaido island in anticipation of Monday's 2008 Group of Eight summit.

A quarter of a million police officers were dispatched to the tiny Toyako lakeside resort in anticipation of violent activism that could include anti-globalization rallies, demands for climate-affecting environmental policy changes, and pathetic whining about the supposedly dwindling global food supply.

"Our men are trained, capable, and highly motivated," said Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. "It is easy to identify and control the radical elements—all we have to do is search for scary big-headed freaks who look like President George W. Bush, Chancellor Angela Merkel, or me."

North Korea Better Off with Nuclear Reactors

An Editorial -- Bitterness, disagreement, and animosity characterize U.S.-North Korea relations, but the long decades of name calling and saber rattling could be nearing an end.

President George W. Bush formally removed North Korea from America's list of regimes that sponsor terrorism, and declared the former rogue state to be "kind of annoying, but no longer eligible for the Axis of Evil."

Recent diplomatic breakthroughs aimed at reducing nuclear proliferation appear, on the surface at least, to benefit the world's peace and security. Are these changes truly positive?

Provision of financial incentives to Pyongyang in exchange for the demolition of its cooling tower at Yongbyon will spawn unexpected new threats that could destabilize already shaky international markets.

Roger Federer Retires

Oberwil, Switzerland -- World No. 1 ranked tennis player Roger Federer announced he would retire the total national debt of his native Switzerland.

The 26-year-old Grand Slam legend made the announcement on Friday from his home near the Franco-Swiss border, commuting between rounds of the Hamburg Masters Series in Germany.

"I have enjoyed a lot of success in my career so far, for sure," Mr. Federer said in a prepared statement, "and I could not have done so without the backing of my homeland. Now is the time for me to repay that support, with cash."

Blackwater Out of Iraq, Naomi Campbell In?

Moyock, NC -- Private security company Blackwater Worldwide has billed U.S. Federal agencies more than $1 billion in the last eight years, mostly for shooting at tin cans and punching civilians.

The paramilitary organization recently received a one-year renewal of its controversial contract to protect American government and commercial interests in Iraq.

Blackwater, named after the dark sludge that accumulates when plumbing backs up, has drawn criticism for its employees' tendency to operate outside normal military rules of engagement, or indeed, civil law.

"There's nothing wrong with the way these brave contractors go about their business," said U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, "except I think they could be a little tougher. And I wish they didn't get caught as often when they overstep their bounds."

2008 Beijing Olympics Are Copy of 2000 Sydney Games

Beijing, China -- Reports smuggled out of the People's Republic of China reveal the entire Olympic Complex under construction in Beijing for this year's Summer Games is a nearly exact copy of the successful 2000 event in Sydney, Australia.

Google Map satellite images of China confirm work is progressing at a steady pace, with three-quarter scale replicas of the 110,000 seat Stadium Australia and the 21,000 seat Sydney SuperDome indoor arena almost complete.

Thanks to her career having become a three-quarter scale replica of itself, troubled pop diva Britney Spears has been booked to perform at the opening ceremony in Beijing on August 8th.

"Nothing will kick off our Olympic celebration better than Britney's performance," said Entertainment Committee Chairman Lu Fuwa Deng. "Like her, we sing and dance, and we're not that innocent."

Hotels, Restaurants: We Don't Really Care

Long Beach, CA -- Whether it's by necessity or for recreational purposes, Americans are spending ever-increasing amounts of time and money in hotels and restaurants. The multi-zillion dollar hospitality industry caters to escalating demand by providing tempting menu selections, complementary turndown service, and empty advertising slogans:

We'll leave a light on for you!

Something good in the neighborhood!

Be our guest!

Ten million restaurants to choose from and you parked your butt here?

President Bush: Oil Shortage Is Sand In U.S. Economy's Gears

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia -- President George W. Bush used his latest Middle East visit to urge Saudi oil producers to pump even greater amounts of crude. With world petroleum supplies tightening and domestic refinery capacity at its maximum, the U.S. President insisted increased oil output would benefit the faltering American economy.

"I want our valued Arab partners here in the Magical Kingdom to ramp up production and send us everything they've got," President Bush told a gathering of nearly fifteen hundred Saudi princes. "I also challenge  America's heroically overworked refineries to produce more gasoline. We will then dump that gasoline into abandoned wells and mineshafts. Wasting massive amounts of precious fuel in this bold act of defiance will show the world we won't tolerate oil producers trying to put us over a barrel."

Eggs As Metaphor

Officials said the violating supermarkets had been selling the eggs for more than 20 to 30 per cent over the official price scheme. Residents are still suffering from a serious egg shortage due to the bird flu import ban from Saudi Arabia and India. People usually rush to supermarkets in the early morning to get a chance to buy eggs which disappear off the shelves in a very short time.

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New Highway System Will Relieve Congestion, Bypass Cities

Washington, DC -- The U.S. Department of Transportation announced a bold, far-reaching plan Thursday, based on conclusions derived from a fifteen-year study of the nation's Interstate highway system. While urban populations and automobile dependency increase unabated, major cities are virtually deadlocked, gridlocked, and in the cases of Seattle and San Francisco, dreadlocked.

The DoT's extensive research and analysis indicate impending maintenance and upgrade expenses for the country's aging roadways will far exceed projected budgets, even if individual States get screwed into contributing more than their fair share.

"The two biggest problems we face are a commuter culture that spends almost as much time behind the wheel as it does working or sleeping," said DoT Deputy Undersecretary Carroll Cleveland, "and, to a lesser extent, the fact that no matter what traffic routing solutions we come up with, we just can't seem to get it right."