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Fashion Week: As Luck Would Have It

Special Report -- I wore my lucky shoes today.

It's been close to fifteen years since I paid thirty dollars for those black cross trainer/walking shoes at El-Bee Shoe Outlet. Inexpensive, amazingly comfortable, go-with-everything footwear. My back never hurts when I wear them, even when I have to walk on or stand on concrete floors all day.

Those shoes were on my feet for many grueling stage productions. Lots of trade shows and factory visits, too. I wore my lucky shoes to China in 2005 but didn't walk all the way there -- I sat inside an airplane that flew over the North Pole.

My lucky shoes are casual enough to wear with jeans, yet smart-looking enough to complement dress pants. I wore them once with shorts and ankle-high black socks. It was a long day outside in the summer but my feet felt great. I don't think people in Ohio dress like that, though.

Somali Pirates' Suicides Confound Naval Forces

Haradhere, Somalia -- Tides of change are sweeping into eastern Somalia via the Indian Ocean.

Residents of the impoverished Gulf of Aden coastal region are combing its beaches in a desperate attempt to recover hundreds of thousands of dollars set adrift by suicidal seafaring plunderers.

For reasons not yet determined, the bodies of thieving corsairs have washed ashore, ballasted by plastic bags full of ill-gotten ransom money.

"We are unsuccessful fishermen because we feed the bait to our starving families," according to local starving man Abdulahi Dintu. "The nets, we rendered into broth."

"Today's fresh catch?" he continued. "Pounds sterling. Why would those outlaws end their own lives? They had everything."

President Bush Will Relocate to Canada

Ottawa, Canada -- Soon-to-be former President George W. Bush made headlines Thursday when stories leaked he has closed a deal on a new house in Preston Hollow, a neighborhood in north Dallas, Texas populated by affluent capitalists.

Preston Hollow is home to famous wealthy guys like H. Ross Perot, Tom Hicks, and the richest old douchebag in America, T. Boone Pickens.

However, President Bush's most likely destination, a splendid ranch/compound/enclave located 40km from Toronto, Canada, was revealed when embattled Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper made remarks he did not realize were being picked up by a live podium microphone.

I'm Almost Popular: From the Editor's Inbox

Dear my friend,

Katrine is what my parents call my naming. Your eyes it is who I am writing these note. You to see, it is me who is telling you about I am lonely girl who only wants to seek to meet nice guy who are feeling same.

For sure I am to live in Estonia and it is unstoppable in these remoteness and not too many nice guys so that I am thinking to use these English and talk to new friends I have not meeting on these Internet.

My picture is attacked to these massage for your special looking and I hope you think my parts are pretty. In my town place they say I am face-nice and athleticism and probably fruitful. For sure to saying I would wish to meeting you soonest and talking about my favorite things interesting you.

Pirates Will Collect Year End Bonuses

Mogadishu, Somalia -- Despite the international economic implosion, pirates plying their trade near the Horn of Africa report their best earnings ever.

The increasingly bold marauders have extended their profitable hijacking operations deeper than ever into the Indian Ocean, far from the sheltering coastline of infrastructurally challenged Somalia.

Their latest high-profile attack on the Saudi supertanker MV Sirius Star occurred over the weekend -- the lightly armed but presumably bloodthirsty pirates easily won control of the 1,000-foot ship and its two million barrels of crude oil.

U.S. and NATO warships patrolling the Horn of Africa region have been unable to prevent the crimes thus far, and are not expected to attempt intervention, interdiction, or interception.

Palin Better Qualified to Handle Fashion Crisis

Philadelphia, PA -- GOP vice presidential nominee Governor Sarah Palin came under fire Tuesday after the disclosure of Republican National Committee receipts detailing lavish spending sprees on her hair, makeup, and haute couture.

The bills paid by the RNC total approximately $150,000 -- an unprecedented amount for any Republican candidate to budget for fancy clothing and cosmetics, although political-fashion experts argue that a Mitt Romney White House bid would probably rack up at least twice as much on a weekly basis.

RNC spokesbuyer Maria Comella refused to comment on the report's details, although she reaffirmed the McCain campaign's commitment to a strong, stylish America and described Ms. Palin's look as "bitchin'."

The GOP is clearly tapping into a societal predisposition to dress-up Barbie, although most old white male Republicans mentally undress Alaska's popular populist governor.

Catering the Rapture

Special Report -- I think about food too much. I know I do. I acquired the tendency honestly.

When I was a little critter growing up in the compound, my mother elected herself nutritionist for our entire breakaway republic. There's no telling what Mom would have achieved as Dietician-General if our fifty-two member group had seceded from the United States.

She taught me how to jerk groundhog meat, identify which insects are highest in protein and essential oils, and spot ominously bulged canned goods. The ATF may have stormed our crude fortifications and relocated me and my twenty-seven brothers and sisters, but my passion for the culinary arts had only just begun.

The Chinese Human Rights Olympics

Beijing, China -- The upcoming 2008 Summer Olympic Games have prompted the People's Democratic Republic of China to upgrade its transportation infrastructure, erect vast new architectural edifices, and remove dog from downtown Beijing restaurant menus.

Despite China's massive build-up in anticipation of a huge tourism influx -- and under the glare of intensified news media coverage -- the Communist regime is also receiving criticism for its endemic oppression, corruption, and hard-to-pronounce surnames.

Not to worry, according to Xiao-Xing Jixu Zhang, the PDRC's head of Olympic planning.

"Our official policy is to politely ignore negative comments about our methods," said the faceless bureaucrat, "although in reality we would love to round up all of those trash-talking foreign journalists, throw them in prison, shoot them, and sell their organs to hospitals."

McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

G8 Kind of Sucks

Sapporo, Japan -- Thousands of protesters grotesquely resembling world leaders have begun gathering on Japan's Hokkaido island in anticipation of Monday's 2008 Group of Eight summit.

A quarter of a million police officers were dispatched to the tiny Toyako lakeside resort in anticipation of violent activism that could include anti-globalization rallies, demands for climate-affecting environmental policy changes, and pathetic whining about the supposedly dwindling global food supply.

"Our men are trained, capable, and highly motivated," said Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. "It is easy to identify and control the radical elements—all we have to do is search for scary big-headed freaks who look like President George W. Bush, Chancellor Angela Merkel, or me."