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Robert Novak Drives to Top of McCain VP List

Washington, DC -- Deposed GOP presidential aspirant Mitt Romney is in serious but stable condition due to injuries he sustained while crossing a street in the nation's capital Wednesday morning.

Accident scene eyewitnesses said the fabulously handsome former governor of Massachusetts was in a marked pedestrian crosswalk on K Street when a speeding Chevrolet Corvette convertible driven by semi-conservative commentator Robert Novak struck him.

"The good-looking guy tried to get out of the way," U.S. Treasury clerk Amanda Boatswain told a WJLA-TV reporter, "but the ugly guy in the black 'Vette swerved to nail him. It was horrific."

"They went three or four blocks with -- I guess you said it was Governor Romney -- sprawled on the car's windshield," Ms. Boatswain added. "The poor man looked more surprised than hurt."

Iran Launches Oil Barrels into Persian Gulf

Tehran, Iran -- The global petroleum market threw up a little in its throat Thursday as Iran commenced a second consecutive day of test firing oil-filled surface-to-surface missiles.

Determined to prove its courage, fortitude, and earnest resistance to common sense, the radical Islamic republic launched an estimated five hundred fully laden medium- and short-range Shahab-3, Scud-C, and Hoot missiles into the Straits of Hormuz, gateway to 40% of the world's fuel supply.

"Let it be clear to all who would dare threaten the Iranian people," said Revolutionary Guards General Mostafa Fattah, "our great nation will retaliate using every vessel at its disposal. To any aggressor planning a land assault, I tell you: the desert sands will be drowned in light sweet crude oil."

U.S. to Provide Israel with Munitions for Iranian Assault?

Tel Aviv, Israel -- Israel used nearly one hundred F-15 and F-16 warplanes in this month's dramatic training mission over the Mediterranean Sea, clearly demonstrating the nation's resolve to prevent Iran's continuation of nuclear fuel enrichment.

Israeli Defense Forces Colonel Yitzhak Blum insisted that although his country firmly asserts the right to defend its existence, there were no plans to actually attack and destroy Iran's Natanz atomic facility.

"We could blow up anything we want, whenever we want," said Colonel Blum, "but we do not want to at the moment. There is talk of sending our planes to distribute some precision-guided leaflets to specific locations in Iran, but that's about it."

"Israel would be happy if it remained the only nuclear superpower in the region, however," the IDF officer added. "We're just funny that way."

McCain to Drill America

Houston, TX -- Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain presented a multi-part plan he hopes will overcome the United States' increasingly serious energy challenges.

Well known for his command of critical issues like national defense and servicing lobbyists, the feisty Arizona fossil is clearly attempting to raise his game in light of current poll results that show him trailing Democratic Senator Barack Obama.

Mr. McCain's proposal, details of which were disclosed on Tuesday, plays to a portion of the electorate that believes "alternative fuel source" means siphoning gas from their neighbors' cars and trucks.

Cost of Reporting High Gas Prices Climbs Higher

Houston, TX -- Fuel costs continue to spiral upward and consumers' tender bits are feeling the vise-like pinch of related economic distress.

"Americans have the right to believe they have the right to pay unsustainably low gas prices," President George W. Bush said during his recent visit to Saudi Arabia. "Our media is obligated to tirelessly remind the public just how awful things really are."

"Things don't seem so terrible today," Mr. Bush added, "if someone constantly tells you it will be even worse tomorrow."

Humvee Replaced: Renault 14 Hatchback Beats EADS, Boeing

Washington, DC -- The United States Army will replace its aging fleet of Humvee utility vehicles by the end of 2012, according to a press release issued by the Pentagon Friday. The original Humvee began its service in 1985 but the rugged and versatile 4x4 has subsequently been pressed into battlefield applications for which it was never designed.

Although traditional contractors like Boeing, AM General, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics, and Lockheed Martin bid on the Armed Forces' new Joint Light Tactical Vehicle (JLTV) proposal, the contract was awarded to France's Renault S.A.

"As we are Europe's largest supplier of stylish yet affordable vehicles it was natural for the U.S. military to turn to our company for this solution," Renault's CEO Carlos Ghosn told reporters at the company's headquarters in Boulogne-Billancourt, France. "Conversely, we have been looking for a way to reenter the American market ever since we cut and ran in 1989."

President Bush: Oil Shortage Is Sand In U.S. Economy's Gears

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia -- President George W. Bush used his latest Middle East visit to urge Saudi oil producers to pump even greater amounts of crude. With world petroleum supplies tightening and domestic refinery capacity at its maximum, the U.S. President insisted increased oil output would benefit the faltering American economy.

"I want our valued Arab partners here in the Magical Kingdom to ramp up production and send us everything they've got," President Bush told a gathering of nearly fifteen hundred Saudi princes. "I also challenge  America's heroically overworked refineries to produce more gasoline. We will then dump that gasoline into abandoned wells and mineshafts. Wasting massive amounts of precious fuel in this bold act of defiance will show the world we won't tolerate oil producers trying to put us over a barrel."

New Highway System Will Relieve Congestion, Bypass Cities

Washington, DC -- The U.S. Department of Transportation announced a bold, far-reaching plan Thursday, based on conclusions derived from a fifteen-year study of the nation's Interstate highway system. While urban populations and automobile dependency increase unabated, major cities are virtually deadlocked, gridlocked, and in the cases of Seattle and San Francisco, dreadlocked.

The DoT's extensive research and analysis indicate impending maintenance and upgrade expenses for the country's aging roadways will far exceed projected budgets, even if individual States get screwed into contributing more than their fair share.

"The two biggest problems we face are a commuter culture that spends almost as much time behind the wheel as it does working or sleeping," said DoT Deputy Undersecretary Carroll Cleveland, "and, to a lesser extent, the fact that no matter what traffic routing solutions we come up with, we just can't seem to get it right."

More Pain At The Pump: Electrical Shocks, Razor Blades Added

Dallas, TX -- Over the last two weeks, average U.S. gasoline prices have risen nearly fifty cents and will probably go higher. This is bad news for financially strapped consumers who are still reeling from the after-effects of Holiday overspending and illegal sports betting pools. Surprisingly, protests about the increases were subdued, as motorists continued to line up at gas stations and wait for their ass-beating.

The retail cost of fuel has jumped almost 673% in the past six years (adjusted for inflation), and there is no sign of relief. In fact, if the present trend continues, Americans will soon be forced to work a second or even third job simply to pay for transportation costs associated with getting to and from their primary place of employment. Energy industry analysts predict that by the year 2015 it will be cheaper to burn an automobile and walk instead. Experts who study energy industry analysts were quick to point out that the likely solution would not be "so dramatic" and the analysts were releasing statements like that "just to get attention".

Driving Affects Ability To Talk On Cell Phone

St. Louis, MO -- The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) recently completed a five-year study launched to investigate the average individual's ability to perform complex tasks while talking on a cell phone. In response to growing suspicions that simultaneous use of cars and phones could present risks, the study provides long-awaited quantifiable data. These results paint a chilling picture of hazardous distractions, hair-raising verbal near misses, and multi-word pileups.

"Our task is clear," said FCC lead researcher Dr. Phillipe Mountblanc. "We must get steering wheels out of motorists' hands before the grim toll of bad phone conversations rises even higher."