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Fashion Week: As Luck Would Have It

Special Report -- I wore my lucky shoes today.

It's been close to fifteen years since I paid thirty dollars for those black cross trainer/walking shoes at El-Bee Shoe Outlet. Inexpensive, amazingly comfortable, go-with-everything footwear. My back never hurts when I wear them, even when I have to walk on or stand on concrete floors all day.

Those shoes were on my feet for many grueling stage productions. Lots of trade shows and factory visits, too. I wore my lucky shoes to China in 2005 but didn't walk all the way there -- I sat inside an airplane that flew over the North Pole.

My lucky shoes are casual enough to wear with jeans, yet smart-looking enough to complement dress pants. I wore them once with shorts and ankle-high black socks. It was a long day outside in the summer but my feet felt great. I don't think people in Ohio dress like that, though.

Somali Pirates' Suicides Confound Naval Forces

Haradhere, Somalia -- Tides of change are sweeping into eastern Somalia via the Indian Ocean.

Residents of the impoverished Gulf of Aden coastal region are combing its beaches in a desperate attempt to recover hundreds of thousands of dollars set adrift by suicidal seafaring plunderers.

For reasons not yet determined, the bodies of thieving corsairs have washed ashore, ballasted by plastic bags full of ill-gotten ransom money.

"We are unsuccessful fishermen because we feed the bait to our starving families," according to local starving man Abdulahi Dintu. "The nets, we rendered into broth."

"Today's fresh catch?" he continued. "Pounds sterling. Why would those outlaws end their own lives? They had everything."

Accidental Life and Dismemberment

Special Report -- I like to drive slowly past houses at night and peer inside the windows. Not in a creepy way -- in fact, I don't even want to see people at all if they're in there. They are a distraction and block my view. You don't need to look at someone to see their life.

Being in motion while peeping is very important. It renders the scene in 3D. Incandescent sunset tones complemented by the bluish amalgamated glow of LCD TVs. Really makes the woodwork pop.

Maybe I've spent too much time underground. I like it well enough -- the sense of enclosure and security, the soothing hiss of a dehumidifier, the lack of drafts. What would you pay for complete protection from the threat of pillaging militias or rampaging mutants? Everything you have, when the time comes.

Pirates Will Collect Year End Bonuses

Mogadishu, Somalia -- Despite the international economic implosion, pirates plying their trade near the Horn of Africa report their best earnings ever.

The increasingly bold marauders have extended their profitable hijacking operations deeper than ever into the Indian Ocean, far from the sheltering coastline of infrastructurally challenged Somalia.

Their latest high-profile attack on the Saudi supertanker MV Sirius Star occurred over the weekend -- the lightly armed but presumably bloodthirsty pirates easily won control of the 1,000-foot ship and its two million barrels of crude oil.

U.S. and NATO warships patrolling the Horn of Africa region have been unable to prevent the crimes thus far, and are not expected to attempt intervention, interdiction, or interception.

Gasoline is Becoming Too Inexpensive

Special Report -- I can almost hear your yipping and growling, but deal with this truth: when I'm mostly right, I'm mostly right.

Lay down your ax handles and let me explain.

What this country needs is a new reality. The old reality was working just fine for some of you, but everybody else was getting hosed.

For Americans, there are certain global expectations that must be met. Obligations, if you will. Talk loud, talk fast, spend more, get a good deal, spend even more, promote democracy. Import foreign TV game shows and export franchised fast food.

That precept has worked out pretty well for the first two hundred years or so, but history assigns a sell-by date to every superpower and there are indications the U.S.A. is about to get moved to the clearance aisle. Manager's special for the beacon of hope.

Pentagon Ends Tactical Fighter Leasing Program

Washington, DC -- Faced with a projected record budget deficit in 2009, the United States Department of Defense announced it would terminate its weapon leasing policy, effective immediately.

With the threat of all-out global war now superseded by smaller but intense "regional" conflicts, and the demand for sophisticated high-tech weapon systems replaced by pipe bombs and suicidal maniacs, the Pentagon has lost billions of dollars on unrealized residuals.

"When the F-22 Raptor's development program commenced twenty-two years ago," said Assistant Undersecretary of Defense Brian Jay Crutchfield, "it seemed like the sky was the limit, as far as per unit costs were concerned. Now, the damned planes are lined up at the factory -- we can hardly give them away."

"The Raptor's valuation jumps back up during times of crisis in the Middle East," Mr. Crutchfield continued, "but all it takes is for some peace and cooperation to break out, and prices drop like a rock."

Robert Novak Drives to Top of McCain VP List

Washington, DC -- Deposed GOP presidential aspirant Mitt Romney is in serious but stable condition due to injuries he sustained while crossing a street in the nation's capital Wednesday morning.

Accident scene eyewitnesses said the fabulously handsome former governor of Massachusetts was in a marked pedestrian crosswalk on K Street when a speeding Chevrolet Corvette convertible driven by semi-conservative commentator Robert Novak struck him.

"The good-looking guy tried to get out of the way," U.S. Treasury clerk Amanda Boatswain told a WJLA-TV reporter, "but the ugly guy in the black 'Vette swerved to nail him. It was horrific."

"They went three or four blocks with -- I guess you said it was Governor Romney -- sprawled on the car's windshield," Ms. Boatswain added. "The poor man looked more surprised than hurt."

Iran Launches Oil Barrels into Persian Gulf

Tehran, Iran -- The global petroleum market threw up a little in its throat Thursday as Iran commenced a second consecutive day of test firing oil-filled surface-to-surface missiles.

Determined to prove its courage, fortitude, and earnest resistance to common sense, the radical Islamic republic launched an estimated five hundred fully laden medium- and short-range Shahab-3, Scud-C, and Hoot missiles into the Straits of Hormuz, gateway to 40% of the world's fuel supply.

"Let it be clear to all who would dare threaten the Iranian people," said Revolutionary Guards General Mostafa Fattah, "our great nation will retaliate using every vessel at its disposal. To any aggressor planning a land assault, I tell you: the desert sands will be drowned in light sweet crude oil."

U.S. to Provide Israel with Munitions for Iranian Assault?

Tel Aviv, Israel -- Israel used nearly one hundred F-15 and F-16 warplanes in this month's dramatic training mission over the Mediterranean Sea, clearly demonstrating the nation's resolve to prevent Iran's continuation of nuclear fuel enrichment.

Israeli Defense Forces Colonel Yitzhak Blum insisted that although his country firmly asserts the right to defend its existence, there were no plans to actually attack and destroy Iran's Natanz atomic facility.

"We could blow up anything we want, whenever we want," said Colonel Blum, "but we do not want to at the moment. There is talk of sending our planes to distribute some precision-guided leaflets to specific locations in Iran, but that's about it."

"Israel would be happy if it remained the only nuclear superpower in the region, however," the IDF officer added. "We're just funny that way."

McCain to Drill America

Houston, TX -- Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain presented a multi-part plan he hopes will overcome the United States' increasingly serious energy challenges.

Well known for his command of critical issues like national defense and servicing lobbyists, the feisty Arizona fossil is clearly attempting to raise his game in light of current poll results that show him trailing Democratic Senator Barack Obama.

Mr. McCain's proposal, details of which were disclosed on Tuesday, plays to a portion of the electorate that believes "alternative fuel source" means siphoning gas from their neighbors' cars and trucks.