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British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

Rush Limbaugh Turns Down Obama VP Job

Denver, CO -- Radio talk-show pundit Rush Limbaugh became the latest notable public figure to remove his or her own name from consideration as Democratic Senator Barack Obama's vice presidential running mate.

Mr. Limbaugh's announcement followed recent similar rejections by Ohio Governor Ted Strickland, U.S. Senator Jim Webb of Virginia, and supermodel Christie Brinkley.

"If nominated I will not run," Mr. Limbaugh commented on-air Tuesday, "if elected I will not serve, if indicted I will not cooperate."

"I feel a strong sense of duty to my country," the fleshy yet chunky conservative maven added, "short of actually serving in the military or anything like that. I believe I can do America and myself the most good by blathering away right here in this broadcast studio."

McCain Offers $300M Award for New Campaign Staff

Fresno, CA -- Republican presidential challenger Senator John McCain announced his intention to bestow a 300 million dollar cash prize as a recruitment incentive for his new brain trust.

Mr. McCain also proposed $5,000 tax credits for any Americans who could provide "really good ideas" to his sputtering campaign.

The pugnacious yet combative presumptive 2008 GOP nominee made the offer during a speech at Fresno State University on Monday.

"Most of my existing team receives great compensation from the various corporations for which they lobby," said Mr. McCain, "but they still can't keep my White House bid off the guardrails. I'll miss them at first but I think I'll get over it."

"My friends," he continued, "I am determined to prove that throwing crazy amounts of money at a problem is the answer, as long as you have enough of it to spend."

Rafael Nadal Back Together with Pamela Anderson

London, England -- The on-again, off-again relationship of tennis superstar Rafael Nadal and plush toy Pamela Anderson is definitely on—and hotter than ever.

Nadal, the number two ranked tennis player in the world, took a break from embarrassing his tournament opponents Friday by spending quality time with his sexpot main squeeze.

Although he is most famous for his prowess on hard clay courts, Nadal is proud of his overall versatility, saying, "I think I have already proven my capabilities on soft, slippery surfaces."

"If you do not believe me," he added, "just ask Pamela."

McCain: Robots Will Replace Bloggers by 2009

Washington, DC -- Senator John McCain fired back at newspaper editors, TV pundits, and Internet bloggers Tuesday by delivering a scathing rebuke via telegram.

The presumptive Republican presidential nominee declared himself "totally up to here" with "lousy wisecracks" and "smartypants conjecture" about his supposed antiquity, bad temper, marital infidelity, and slavish devotion to lobbyists.

"Question: what do you call a hundred thousand bloggers bound in chains at the bottom of the ocean?" Mr. McCain wired friends, family, supporters, and Fox News. "Answer: the first month of my presidential administration."

Scott McClellan Rats Out Katie Couric

New York, NY -- Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan continued his series of snitchy revelations Thursday by totally busting embattled CBS News anchor Katie Couric.

In his just-published book What Happened: The Culture of Blindingly Obvious Deception, Mr. McClellan alleges the perky yet vivacious former Today Show star had extensive cosmetic surgery performed on her legs in 1991, including silicone calf implants.

"Katie's famous gams are not 'naturals' although many people still find them appealing," Mr. McClellan writes. "She is also a terrible tipper and never contributes to the office coffee fund."

"I still like and admire Katie Couric," he continued, "but I guess she can be kind of mean sometimes."

Cost of Reporting High Gas Prices Climbs Higher

Houston, TX -- Fuel costs continue to spiral upward and consumers' tender bits are feeling the vise-like pinch of related economic distress.

"Americans have the right to believe they have the right to pay unsustainably low gas prices," President George W. Bush said during his recent visit to Saudi Arabia. "Our media is obligated to tirelessly remind the public just how awful things really are."

"Things don't seem so terrible today," Mr. Bush added, "if someone constantly tells you it will be even worse tomorrow."

David Archuleta: Florida, Michigan Votes Not Counted

Los Angeles, CA -- Highly-favored American Idol finalist David Archuleta declared his loss Wednesday "a tragic miscarriage of the democratic process" and "yet another example of voter disenfranchisement."

The 17-year-old pop phenom complained bitterly about Fox TV's popular talent show, insisting that dirty tricks were employed to twist the outcome into a cruel joke and a sham.

"I went out there and sang my butt off," Archuleta wrote on his blog, "and some old guy won instead. Dad says I was screwed over, and he's always right."

Obama: Tennessee Republican Party Full of Weasels

Cedar Rapids, IA -- Democratic presidential frontrunner Barack Obama took a lighthearted jab at the Tennessee Republican Party on Monday.

The Illinois U.S. Senator responded to a recent campaign ad—paid for by the Volunteer State's chapter of the GOP—in which Michelle Obama's "proud to be an American" remarks were beaten to a stiff meringue.

"I love Tennessee," the jocular Mr. Obama commented while campaigning in Iowa. "It's one of those flat, wide states. I come from a tall, pointy state."

"The only problem with Tennessee," opined the charismatic Democrat, "is that it's full of lowlife scumbag lying douchebag weasels—hey, I mean that in a lighthearted way."

George H.W. Bush Banned from White House

Washington, DC -- Former U.S. president George H.W. Bush's Oval Office visitation privileges have been suspended, effective immediately.

The first President Bush served as the nation's Chief Executive during the stormy years that witnessed landmark events such as German reunification, Operation Desert Storm, and the entire career of neo-rapper Vanilla Ice.