smithismyrealname.com

The Sucker Punch of a Brighter Tomorrow

Special Report -- I awake in the 4:00 AM gloom, unable to breathe. A bearded, brown-eyed Cyclops wearing a feathery plumed hat lies on my chest staring at me. My Indiglo watch's pale luminescence reveals the intruder's identity: cat #27 nuzzling my pajama pants drawstring again.

I am by necessity a cat rancher. Felines are useful for their varmint-hunting prowess, pelts, and milk. A dozen or so can keep you warm when no other heat source is available. Milking them is not an enterprise to be underestimated, but I have small hands so no problem there.

I'm enjoying my time above ground. Most of it, anyway. It's hard to sleep at night -- I have trouble resting because every day ends with a sense of unfinished business. I can't relax. And then those effing cats come around again.

Internet Filled to Capacity in 2006

Mountain View, CA -- A comprehensive review of previously published data is now leading analysts to a startling conclusion: the Internet is saturated, and has been since the summer of 2006.

Based on documents, reports, and purely speculative conjecture, the majority of new content uploaded to the World Wide Web simply sinks quietly into fuzzy digital noise.

"There's valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day," said Google Inc.'s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. "Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical 'news' blogs."

"Fake news bloggers are the worst," Mr. Humes added. "The half-baked stories and made-up quotes -- who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they're like big douchebags full of crap."

I'm Almost Popular: From the Editor's Inbox

Dear my friend,

Katrine is what my parents call my naming. Your eyes it is who I am writing these note. You to see, it is me who is telling you about I am lonely girl who only wants to seek to meet nice guy who are feeling same.

For sure I am to live in Estonia and it is unstoppable in these remoteness and not too many nice guys so that I am thinking to use these English and talk to new friends I have not meeting on these Internet.

My picture is attacked to these massage for your special looking and I hope you think my parts are pretty. In my town place they say I am face-nice and athleticism and probably fruitful. For sure to saying I would wish to meeting you soonest and talking about my favorite things interesting you.

Liquid Plumber: Joe's Wardrobe Costs GOP $150K

Defiance, OH -- Controversial new campaign financial disclosures are rocking the waning days of Senator John McCain's 2008 White House bid.

In the midst of a tightening presidential race between Mr. McCain and Democratic Senator Barack Obama, the supposedly biased media is clearly resisting every opportunity to slant the news against the creepy, disconnected, Bush-loving old guy from Arizona.

On Friday, the Republican National Committee reported receipts amounting to nearly $150,000 for clothing, cosmetic treatments, and beef jerky allocated to McCain campaign phenomenon Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher.

McCain senior strategist and speechwriter Mark Salter dismissed the bills as "irrelevant" and "false" while insisting, "even if the story were true, and it is, Obama will raise taxes."

McCain and Palin to Debate Each Other

New York, NY -- Senator John McCain grabbed the wheel of his Straight Talk Express in an attempt to arrest its recent slide toward the 2008 campaign guardrails, by revealing plans to debate his own vice presidential running mate.

Critical of his Democratic rival Senator Barack Obama's refusal to participate in multiple "town hall" debates, Mr. McCain announced the bold new gambit while campaigning in Brooklyn on Sunday.

"My friends -- and I think I can call you my friends -- Governor Palin and I agree on many important issues," the Arizona maverick told nearly a dozen supporters at a car wash adjacent to the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.

"Nevertheless," Mr. McCain continued, "in light of the deep, fundamental divisions that divide pragmatic realists and extremist neocons within the Republican Party, there are one or two subjects that could benefit from a spirited exchange of talking points."

Gasoline is Becoming Too Inexpensive

Special Report -- I can almost hear your yipping and growling, but deal with this truth: when I'm mostly right, I'm mostly right.

Lay down your ax handles and let me explain.

What this country needs is a new reality. The old reality was working just fine for some of you, but everybody else was getting hosed.

For Americans, there are certain global expectations that must be met. Obligations, if you will. Talk loud, talk fast, spend more, get a good deal, spend even more, promote democracy. Import foreign TV game shows and export franchised fast food.

That precept has worked out pretty well for the first two hundred years or so, but history assigns a sell-by date to every superpower and there are indications the U.S.A. is about to get moved to the clearance aisle. Manager's special for the beacon of hope.

McCain to Begin Actual Campaign Very Soon

Bethlehem, PA -- Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain announced the formal launch of his 2008 White House bid.

Reading a brief, handwritten statement during an appearance Wednesday at a Sonic hamburger restaurant in the Lehigh Valley region of eastern Pennsylvania, the maverick statesman declared himself "greased and ready to kick ass."

Mr. McCain promised to spend less time leaving angry notes underneath automobile windshield wipers and would instead consign himself fully to winning the presidency, but refused to take character assassination off the table.

In Which I Proclaim My Love for Sarah

Special Report --

I'm smitten.

I resisted as long as I could, but have now listened to my heart and loins.

Somehow, some way, some day, Sarah Palin will be mine.

Politics are not my passion. They are a necessary evil; like removing mold from tile grout or cleaning a septic tank. Restoration, renewal, reinvigoration. Out with the old poop, make room for the new.

Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers

Washington, DC -- Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history's dumpster.

A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush's current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.

"The Administration's handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush's credibility," senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. "It's like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football."

Mr. Bush's name has become synonymous with selfish, blockheaded ruthlessness in much the same way the public perceives financial traders, TV game show hosts, and seafaring buccaneers.

Miley Cyrus Fires Disney

Burbank, CA -- Ultra-cute pop idol Miley Cyrus responded forcefully to persistent criticisms of her lifestyle and career choices -- by throwing Disney Studios out of the entertainment business.

Ms. Cyrus, refusing to speak directly to reporters, announced her intentions Wednesday during a four-minute clip released directly onto the popular YouTube site.

The elaborately staged and choreographed music video/pink slip, titled Miley Cyrus and the Seven Deadly Sins, is an enchanting romp through a magical kingdom of singing, dancing, recrimination, regret, and tedious exit interviews.

"We're watching a little girl grow up," said industry observer and soft child-porn advocate Dennis Delaplane of Mission Hills, CA. "Miley has evolved from innocent cutie, to bad girl cutie, to tough bitch cutie. The only thing that could stop her now is a serious eating disorder or conversion to an obscure religious sect."

YouTube reports their system is "stressed but holding up reasonably well" under the burden of nearly two billion hits as of Thursday morning. Despite these impressive viewing figures, a majority of the world's population couldn't give a rat's ass.