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Brush Off the Fuzz and Dig In

Special Report -- Today's special: salmonella 'n' jelly sandwiches and tainted milk. Your choice of side dish includes cultured mayonnaise rind, fruit roll-up kimchee, or refrigerator-blackened cherry tomatoes.

Is the nation's food supply at risk or are people just belly-aching?

A lot of perfectly good groceries are thrown away simply because of paranoia, misinformation, and perversely conscientious eating habits.

Although sensational stories of pathogenic contamination grab headlines, some experts are still reheating debates as old as last Thanksgiving's turkey carcass.

"Expiration dates are for the weak-minded," according to food archivist Denny Frisch. "Food Nazis want you to think it's wrong to leave tuna salad on the kitchen counter for more than seventy-two hours in July."

Internet Filled to Capacity in 2006

Mountain View, CA -- A comprehensive review of previously published data is now leading analysts to a startling conclusion: the Internet is saturated, and has been since the summer of 2006.

Based on documents, reports, and purely speculative conjecture, the majority of new content uploaded to the World Wide Web simply sinks quietly into fuzzy digital noise.

"There's valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day," said Google Inc.'s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. "Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical 'news' blogs."

"Fake news bloggers are the worst," Mr. Humes added. "The half-baked stories and made-up quotes -- who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they're like big douchebags full of crap."

Melamine Shortage Could Undermine GM Bailout

Shanghai, China -- Global financial markets, manufacturing industries, and governments are exploring new and radically innovative solutions to the universal financial crisis.

President-Elect Obama's short-term plans for stimulating the flaccid U.S. economy include distribution of revenue raised from the sales of scalped presidential inauguration tickets.

Additional funding will be generated by the likely Hannah Montana TV show appearance of Mr. Obama's adorable daughters Malia and Sasha, widely expected to be the most-watched media event since the dawn of time.

The lame duck Bush Administration says it will authorize the purchase of 600,000 unwanted and unsold Chevrolet, GMC, Pontiac, Buick, and Saturn SUVs and donate them to former homeowners who defaulted on mortgages.

"Well, nobody can afford to buy those vehicles or fill them with gas," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, or possibly Nancy Pfotenhauer, "but if you park them in the shade they make a cozy little living space. Kind of like camping."

Gasoline is Becoming Too Inexpensive

Special Report -- I can almost hear your yipping and growling, but deal with this truth: when I'm mostly right, I'm mostly right.

Lay down your ax handles and let me explain.

What this country needs is a new reality. The old reality was working just fine for some of you, but everybody else was getting hosed.

For Americans, there are certain global expectations that must be met. Obligations, if you will. Talk loud, talk fast, spend more, get a good deal, spend even more, promote democracy. Import foreign TV game shows and export franchised fast food.

That precept has worked out pretty well for the first two hundred years or so, but history assigns a sell-by date to every superpower and there are indications the U.S.A. is about to get moved to the clearance aisle. Manager's special for the beacon of hope.

Particle Collider Successful, Watermelons Next

Geneva, Switzerland -- Scientists at the CERN nuclear research facility expressed favorable initial reactions to their particle-collision experiments that commenced early Wednesday.

CERN's unprecedented tests, conceived to reveal the definitive origin and ultimate fate of the universe, employ a 16 mile-long magnetic accelerator loop buried hundreds of feet below the Franco-Swiss border.

Mysteries to be solved include: When did the universe begin? How big was the Big Bang? What did it sound like? Where is everything going? What does it all mean?

"The preliminary results, they are encouraging, for sure," project manager Dr. Claude-Charles Trebuchet said in a phone interview. "We are anxious to move our inquiries beyond the very tiny energy particles and start smashing some bigger crap."

Catering the Rapture

Special Report -- I think about food too much. I know I do. I acquired the tendency honestly.

When I was a little critter growing up in the compound, my mother elected herself nutritionist for our entire breakaway republic. There's no telling what Mom would have achieved as Dietician-General if our fifty-two member group had seceded from the United States.

She taught me how to jerk groundhog meat, identify which insects are highest in protein and essential oils, and spot ominously bulged canned goods. The ATF may have stormed our crude fortifications and relocated me and my twenty-seven brothers and sisters, but my passion for the culinary arts had only just begun.

Internet Overrun by Whiny Commenters

San Francisco, CA -- From its inception, the Internet used to be universally accessible, but current trends indicate it is now reserved for the exclusive use of an elitist cadre of frustrated, whining wiseacres.

These Web-based bullies -- living in their mother's remodeled basement bedrooms and hiding behind online aliases -- find it is much easier to submit snarky, cynical criticism than to actually compose worthwhile original content.

Consuming massive bandwidth every time they upload crudely Photoshopped images of Britney Spears spanking Miley Cyrus, and bantering with like-minded trolls while taking breaks from surfing explicit Internet porn, Web bullies loaf along in the passing lane of the information superhighway.

"It's as if they've invaded the 'Net," said Mountlake Terrace, WA Web-user profiling expert Dom Traynor. "If you have ever wondered what your employer's IT guys do during their off-time, this is it. Actually, a lot of them do it at work, too."

"Those geeks are mean," he continued, "and some of them are just bug-eating crazy."

Pentagon Ends Tactical Fighter Leasing Program

Washington, DC -- Faced with a projected record budget deficit in 2009, the United States Department of Defense announced it would terminate its weapon leasing policy, effective immediately.

With the threat of all-out global war now superseded by smaller but intense "regional" conflicts, and the demand for sophisticated high-tech weapon systems replaced by pipe bombs and suicidal maniacs, the Pentagon has lost billions of dollars on unrealized residuals.

"When the F-22 Raptor's development program commenced twenty-two years ago," said Assistant Undersecretary of Defense Brian Jay Crutchfield, "it seemed like the sky was the limit, as far as per unit costs were concerned. Now, the damned planes are lined up at the factory -- we can hardly give them away."

"The Raptor's valuation jumps back up during times of crisis in the Middle East," Mr. Crutchfield continued, "but all it takes is for some peace and cooperation to break out, and prices drop like a rock."

Iran Launches Oil Barrels into Persian Gulf

Tehran, Iran -- The global petroleum market threw up a little in its throat Thursday as Iran commenced a second consecutive day of test firing oil-filled surface-to-surface missiles.

Determined to prove its courage, fortitude, and earnest resistance to common sense, the radical Islamic republic launched an estimated five hundred fully laden medium- and short-range Shahab-3, Scud-C, and Hoot missiles into the Straits of Hormuz, gateway to 40% of the world's fuel supply.

"Let it be clear to all who would dare threaten the Iranian people," said Revolutionary Guards General Mostafa Fattah, "our great nation will retaliate using every vessel at its disposal. To any aggressor planning a land assault, I tell you: the desert sands will be drowned in light sweet crude oil."

Weakened in Paradise

Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.

Some of my enemies don't believe I have a reflection, but I do have one and it's rather attractive. I'm handsome in a non-traditional, asymmetric, rugged, quirky, funny-looking way.

Genetic attributes have a lot to do with it, of course, but my family's DNA chain has had its fair share of broken or missing links. My father always told me he's not sure about my mother's identity because he was really drunk the night I was conceived.