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InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac

St. Louis, MO -- International megabrewer InBev NV expanded its portfolio of acquisitions Tuesday by successfully purchasing majority interests in troubled U.S. mortgage lenders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

The deal closed shortly after American beer giant Anheuser-Busch's acceptance of a $952 billion takeover bid by the Belgian-based but Brazilian-operated purveyor of malted barley beverages.

"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately," said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, "but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs -- there is no limit to what we can achieve together."

"We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity," Mr. Brito added. "However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names."

Weakened in Paradise

Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.

Some of my enemies don't believe I have a reflection, but I do have one and it's rather attractive. I'm handsome in a non-traditional, asymmetric, rugged, quirky, funny-looking way.

Genetic attributes have a lot to do with it, of course, but my family's DNA chain has had its fair share of broken or missing links. My father always told me he's not sure about my mother's identity because he was really drunk the night I was conceived. 

McCain Offers $300M Award for New Campaign Staff

Fresno, CA -- Republican presidential challenger Senator John McCain announced his intention to bestow a 300 million dollar cash prize as a recruitment incentive for his new brain trust.

Mr. McCain also proposed $5,000 tax credits for any Americans who could provide "really good ideas" to his sputtering campaign.

The pugnacious yet combative presumptive 2008 GOP nominee made the offer during a speech at Fresno State University on Monday.

"Most of my existing team receives great compensation from the various corporations for which they lobby," said Mr. McCain, "but they still can't keep my White House bid off the guardrails. I'll miss them at first but I think I'll get over it."

"My friends," he continued, "I am determined to prove that throwing crazy amounts of money at a problem is the answer, as long as you have enough of it to spend."

Rafael Nadal Back Together with Pamela Anderson

London, England -- The on-again, off-again relationship of tennis superstar Rafael Nadal and plush toy Pamela Anderson is definitely on—and hotter than ever.

Nadal, the number two ranked tennis player in the world, took a break from embarrassing his tournament opponents Friday by spending quality time with his sexpot main squeeze.

Although he is most famous for his prowess on hard clay courts, Nadal is proud of his overall versatility, saying, "I think I have already proven my capabilities on soft, slippery surfaces."

"If you do not believe me," he added, "just ask Pamela."

Roger Federer Retires

Oberwil, Switzerland -- World No. 1 ranked tennis player Roger Federer announced he would retire the total national debt of his native Switzerland.

The 26-year-old Grand Slam legend made the announcement on Friday from his home near the Franco-Swiss border, commuting between rounds of the Hamburg Masters Series in Germany.

"I have enjoyed a lot of success in my career so far, for sure," Mr. Federer said in a prepared statement, "and I could not have done so without the backing of my homeland. Now is the time for me to repay that support, with cash."

2008 Beijing Olympics Are Copy of 2000 Sydney Games

Beijing, China -- Reports smuggled out of the People's Republic of China reveal the entire Olympic Complex under construction in Beijing for this year's Summer Games is a nearly exact copy of the successful 2000 event in Sydney, Australia.

Google Map satellite images of China confirm work is progressing at a steady pace, with three-quarter scale replicas of the 110,000 seat Stadium Australia and the 21,000 seat Sydney SuperDome indoor arena almost complete.

Thanks to her career having become a three-quarter scale replica of itself, troubled pop diva Britney Spears has been booked to perform at the opening ceremony in Beijing on August 8th.

"Nothing will kick off our Olympic celebration better than Britney's performance," said Entertainment Committee Chairman Lu Fuwa Deng. "Like her, we sing and dance, and we're not that innocent."

Samantha Power Breaks US Career Downhill Record

Crans-Montana, Switzerland -- In a masterful demonstration of how to slide down a slippery slope, Obama campaign advisor Samantha Power smashed the career downhill records of superstars Picabo Street, Lindsey Vonn, and Rush Limbaugh.

Saturday's stunning achievement was only the latest from Ms. Power, a Harvard professor, Time Magazine columnist, and Pulitzer Prize-winning author. Her eligibility to compete had been in doubt following a controversial interview earlier this week with the radical and virulently anti-American newspaper The Scotsman.

"I have been repeatedly misquoted—even my apologies," Ms. Power said following her victory Saturday morning. "What I meant to say was I am sorry Senator Hillary Clinton is a monster."

McCain Picks Whoopi Goldberg for Vice-President

Houston, TX -- Arizona Senator John McCain effectively clinched the 2008 GOP presidential nomination Tuesday, following Mike Huckabee's withdrawal from contention after the former Arkansas Governor lost major primaries in Ohio and Texas.

In a campaign season already boiling with controversy, the irritable yet grouchy McCain increased the heat on Democrats by naming his preferred Republican vice-presidential running mate.

"My friends," Senator McCain told several hundred supporters crowded into a Luby's cafeteria in Cypress, a Houston suburb, "this is an unprecedented opportunity to show how far the Republican Party has come, and how far we're willing to go. My choice for vice-president is Academy Award-winning actress and comedy star Whoopi Goldberg. She's female, black, and Jewish, and together we will win in November."

Athlete Substance Abuse Worse Than Originally Believed

Los Angeles, CA -- The increasingly embattled world of professional sports was dealt a crushing blow this week by revelations that performance-enhancing substance use is far more widespread than generally thought. Rookies and superstars from almost every form of athletic competition are under intense scrutiny, with special attention directed at cycling, baseball, track & field, and table tennis.

"When we discovered a lot of athletes took steroids and amphetamines, we were like, 'wow, this is bad'," said toxicologist Dr. Daryl Leech, "but this other stuff is incredibly easy to acquire, and almost impossible for sports organizations to control. We're talking about substances that are so common on the street, obtaining them is almost as easy as going to the corner store."