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President Bush Will Relocate to Canada

Ottawa, Canada -- Soon-to-be former President George W. Bush made headlines Thursday when stories leaked he has closed a deal on a new house in Preston Hollow, a neighborhood in north Dallas, Texas populated by affluent capitalists.

Preston Hollow is home to famous wealthy guys like H. Ross Perot, Tom Hicks, and the richest old douchebag in America, T. Boone Pickens.

However, President Bush's most likely destination, a splendid ranch/compound/enclave located 40km from Toronto, Canada, was revealed when embattled Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper made remarks he did not realize were being picked up by a live podium microphone.

Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say

New York, NY -- It's never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America's 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.

The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency -- casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.

A storm surge of windy rhetoric, bad-humored sound bites, and overheated metaphors threatens the coastlines of this nation's political scene.

"Our focus is not just on winning," said Republican strategist Payton Conch of Tupelo, MS. "It's about change and a vision for the future. Wait. No. It's totally about winning."

Celebrities Struggling to Make Ends Meet

Los Angeles, CA -- The world's sagging economy is placing severe hardships on a majority of famous, beautiful people, many of whom are barely able to keep up.

Bank failures, rising food and energy costs, the mortgage crisis -- it's never been more difficult for fabulously wealthy stars to afford life's basic necessities.

In particularly hard hit regions like Beverly Park or the Hamptons, some of the most impoverished privileged are unable to maintain their premium cable TV programming, dine out more than five nights a week, or even purchase the latest cell phones.

Obama, McCain to Quit, End Campaigns on High

Springfield, IL -- Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama shocked supporters and foes alike, with the announcement he intends to end his White House bid. The decision was revealed Tuesday -- just days before he was expected to divulge his much anticipated Vice Presidential decision.

Despite having won sufficient delegates to clinch his party's nomination, and with most polls showing a slim but clear lead over his rival, Senator John McCain, Mr. Obama elected to terminate his campaign.

"Senator Obama has enjoyed a vigorous and rewarding challenge for the presidency," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe, "and there have been shining moments he will treasure forever. He simply feels it is best to depart with positive memories."

I Told You So What

Special Report -- You may not believe it, but I detest being right all the time. The world hasn't ended in a dramatic Hollywood B-movie cataclysm, but the Apocalypse is imminent just the same. I know where to look.

There I was last weekend, trying on my fancy clothes for the upcoming Democratic and Republican National Conventions, when the news crackled in over the shortwave: Russia had invaded Georgia. My first thought was clever bastards; I always thought they would come in through Florida. My second thought was what took them so long?

I suppose the defenders' resistance has been fierce -- everyone in that part of the U.S. is heavily armed -- but those folks are going to need some help. Maybe we should airlift a couple million pounds of ground beef into the combat zone. That will stop those Bolsheviks in their tracks. E. coli O157:H7 or litigation, whatever it takes. There are almost 1.4 million lawyers in metropolitan Atlanta. Bloody stools and compensatory damages.

The Chinese Human Rights Olympics

Beijing, China -- The upcoming 2008 Summer Olympic Games have prompted the People's Democratic Republic of China to upgrade its transportation infrastructure, erect vast new architectural edifices, and remove dog from downtown Beijing restaurant menus.

Despite China's massive build-up in anticipation of a huge tourism influx -- and under the glare of intensified news media coverage -- the Communist regime is also receiving criticism for its endemic oppression, corruption, and hard-to-pronounce surnames.

Not to worry, according to Xiao-Xing Jixu Zhang, the PDRC's head of Olympic planning.

"Our official policy is to politely ignore negative comments about our methods," said the faceless bureaucrat, "although in reality we would love to round up all of those trash-talking foreign journalists, throw them in prison, shoot them, and sell their organs to hospitals."

InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac

St. Louis, MO -- International megabrewer InBev NV expanded its portfolio of acquisitions Tuesday by successfully purchasing majority interests in troubled U.S. mortgage lenders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

The deal closed shortly after American beer giant Anheuser-Busch's acceptance of a $952 billion takeover bid by the Belgian-based but Brazilian-operated purveyor of malted barley beverages.

"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately," said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, "but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs -- there is no limit to what we can achieve together."

"We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity," Mr. Brito added. "However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names."

Weakened in Paradise

Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.

Some of my enemies don't believe I have a reflection, but I do have one and it's rather attractive. I'm handsome in a non-traditional, asymmetric, rugged, quirky, funny-looking way.

Genetic attributes have a lot to do with it, of course, but my family's DNA chain has had its fair share of broken or missing links. My father always told me he's not sure about my mother's identity because he was really drunk the night I was conceived. 

McCain Offers $300M Award for New Campaign Staff

Fresno, CA -- Republican presidential challenger Senator John McCain announced his intention to bestow a 300 million dollar cash prize as a recruitment incentive for his new brain trust.

Mr. McCain also proposed $5,000 tax credits for any Americans who could provide "really good ideas" to his sputtering campaign.

The pugnacious yet combative presumptive 2008 GOP nominee made the offer during a speech at Fresno State University on Monday.

"Most of my existing team receives great compensation from the various corporations for which they lobby," said Mr. McCain, "but they still can't keep my White House bid off the guardrails. I'll miss them at first but I think I'll get over it."

"My friends," he continued, "I am determined to prove that throwing crazy amounts of money at a problem is the answer, as long as you have enough of it to spend."

Rafael Nadal Back Together with Pamela Anderson

London, England -- The on-again, off-again relationship of tennis superstar Rafael Nadal and plush toy Pamela Anderson is definitely on—and hotter than ever.

Nadal, the number two ranked tennis player in the world, took a break from embarrassing his tournament opponents Friday by spending quality time with his sexpot main squeeze.

Although he is most famous for his prowess on hard clay courts, Nadal is proud of his overall versatility, saying, "I think I have already proven my capabilities on soft, slippery surfaces."

"If you do not believe me," he added, "just ask Pamela."