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North Korea Better Off with Nuclear Reactors

An Editorial -- Bitterness, disagreement, and animosity characterize U.S.-North Korea relations, but the long decades of name calling and saber rattling could be nearing an end.

President George W. Bush formally removed North Korea from America's list of regimes that sponsor terrorism, and declared the former rogue state to be "kind of annoying, but no longer eligible for the Axis of Evil."

Recent diplomatic breakthroughs aimed at reducing nuclear proliferation appear, on the surface at least, to benefit the world's peace and security. Are these changes truly positive?

Provision of financial incentives to Pyongyang in exchange for the demolition of its cooling tower at Yongbyon will spawn unexpected new threats that could destabilize already shaky international markets.

U.S. to Provide Israel with Munitions for Iranian Assault?

Tel Aviv, Israel -- Israel used nearly one hundred F-15 and F-16 warplanes in this month's dramatic training mission over the Mediterranean Sea, clearly demonstrating the nation's resolve to prevent Iran's continuation of nuclear fuel enrichment.

Israeli Defense Forces Colonel Yitzhak Blum insisted that although his country firmly asserts the right to defend its existence, there were no plans to actually attack and destroy Iran's Natanz atomic facility.

"We could blow up anything we want, whenever we want," said Colonel Blum, "but we do not want to at the moment. There is talk of sending our planes to distribute some precision-guided leaflets to specific locations in Iran, but that's about it."

"Israel would be happy if it remained the only nuclear superpower in the region, however," the IDF officer added. "We're just funny that way."

U.S. Food Supply Deemed Unsafe for Bacteria

Washington, DC -- Continued severe outbreaks of dangerous contamination have caused the United States Food & Drug Administration to give all American fruits, vegetables, and meat a "not acceptable" rating.

The latest salmonellosis scourge, this time involving fresh Roma and red plum tomatoes, has caused economic and dietary upheaval as well as enraging millions of consumers of pico de gallo salsa, gazpacho, Cobb salad, and BLT sandwiches.

FDA Assistant Commissioner Dr. Jane Corey expressed deep concern for the illnesses—and in some cases deaths—caused by food supply quality lapses, while promising her agency would redouble its inspection efforts upon returning to full staffing strength.

"We're a little shorthanded at the moment," Dr. Corey told reporters Tuesday. "A lot of our inspectors have called in sick due to stomach viruses and the 24-hour flu."

"Commissioner von Eschenbach sends his apologies for missing this press conference," the Assistant Commissioner continued, "but he's feeling a little under the weather, too. He thinks it was something he ate."

Economists Lose Jobs, Unable to Forecast Recession

New York, NY -- With the U.S. economy sliding toward hard times, previously "safe" job categories are taking a hit. The latest vocation to feel the pinch is that of economists.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to support my family," said laid-off Credit Suisse Financial Group senior analyst David Simon Webber. "I mean, I never saw this coming."

"Weather forecasters are wrong all the time and still make a good living," Mr. Webber added. "Why should they have a job and I don't?"

Australian Sperm Donor Claims 27 Children

Sydney, Australia -- An Australian man who gives away his sperm on the black market to avoid stringent official regulations claims to have fathered up to 27 children in two generations, a newspaper reported on Saturday.

John Mayger, 59, is still fertilizing about one woman a month privately because he says fertility clinics treat people “like sausages” and prevent donors from being part of their children’s lives, the Sydney Morning Herald reported.

(link to article)

Putin Asks: Can GPS System Track My Dog?

"When can I buy hardware to equip my dog with so that she won't run away too far?" Putin was quoted as asking First Deputy Prime Minister Sergei Ivanov during a briefing on progress towards developing a competitor to the U.S. GPS system.

(link to article)

Running With Scissors Almost Nonexistent Threat

Washington, DC -- Despite what your mother or teacher may have said, running with scissors has nearly disappeared from the list of potential ways people can injure themselves.

A new government survey released this week has also named activities like swimming too soon after eating a big meal, teasing the dog, and climbing trees, as being much safer than generally assumed.

"Some threats are still very present and real," said Director of the Department of Lethal Services (DLS) Dennis Drudge. "For example, taking a bath while listening to a radio that could fall into the tub is still near the top of the list, and so is poking a bear with a stick. "

On the other hand," he continued, " modern toasters are very safe, making it much less dangerous to use a fork to extract a stuck slice of bread. We are still very seriously investigating brain freeze that is caused by eating ice cream too quickly, but results are inconclusive."

Hate Ray Aimed At Detroit, Power Switch Not Yet Found

Detroit, MI -- An alliance of scientists, city officials, and crime victims moved one step closer to solving a major American city's long-running struggle with out-of-control violence. Detroit, Michigan has been at or near the top of crime statistic surveys for the last several decades; generally accepted reasons include economic upheaval due to the loss of industrial jobs, weak or corrupt city government and services, or the destabilizing influence of the R&B "Motown sound" first heard in the early 1960s.

New technologies have dramatically swept aside all previous assumptions. Retired Ford Motor Company Advanced Sciences and Star Wars Technologies Division researcher Dr. Joe Ed Robb has been credited with uncovering the root cause of the Motor City's claim to fame and shame.

"I guess you could say it started when I began wearing my tinfoil hat all the time," said the grizzled scientist. "That would be around the summer of '97 or thereabouts. It seemed like it made a big difference with how much I wanted to go hurt or kill someone. That's what made me take a closer look."

Sugar And Spice Are Not Main Ingredients, Niceness Even Less

Boston, MA -- Recent evidence suggests that little girls are not made primarily of sugar and spice, and may contain much lower levels of everything nice than what was previously understood. Tears, contradictions, and fancy pink ribbons appear at the top of the revised list.

"This is useful, positive information for diabetics or persons watching their caloric intake, and those with severe allergic reactions to spice," said science and technology analyst Diane Halftone, "but it's a bad deal for everyone else. Without a lot of everything nice on tap, little girls turn out to be kind of an unpleasant pain in the ass."

Cats Have Five Lives, Not Nine As Believed Previously

Portland, OR-- Scientists at the University of Portland have reported results of a seven-year research project that has revealed common domesticated housecats (Felis silvestris catus) experience fewer lives than assumed. Although the number of cats' lives is now believed to be dramatically fewer no feline would comment, but typically yawned or started chasing a piece of fuzz instead. A summary of these landmark findings will be published in next month's issue of The Cat Fancier Veterinary Research Journal.

Dr. Ernest Doktor, who summarized the data for publication, refused to reveal how many, if any, cats were injured or even killed in the course of such comprehensive research.

"Well, so many of them appear nearly identical, it's really hard to say," said the scientist, "but there are always plenty more hanging around if you need them."