smithismyrealname.com

Accidental Life and Dismemberment

Special Report -- I like to drive slowly past houses at night and peer inside the windows. Not in a creepy way -- in fact, I don't even want to see people at all if they're in there. They are a distraction and block my view. You don't need to look at someone to see their life.

Being in motion while peeping is very important. It renders the scene in 3D. Incandescent sunset tones complemented by the bluish amalgamated glow of LCD TVs. Really makes the woodwork pop.

Maybe I've spent too much time underground. I like it well enough -- the sense of enclosure and security, the soothing hiss of a dehumidifier, the lack of drafts. What would you pay for complete protection from the threat of pillaging militias or rampaging mutants? Everything you have, when the time comes.

Window of Opportunism

Special Report -- I'm not religious. As far as I'm concerned, everything turns to dust sooner or later. Redemption should be found in one's own natural lifetime. I think.

It's not like I lack a moral center though. I know right from wrong. Life is not about accumulating poker chips of goodwill and waiting to cash them in on Judgment Day. Spend your winnings now, and wisely.

We live in the Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Era. Is the End of Days coming? Is it happening now? Pick a theory and there is probably evidence to support it -- the same clues often validate coincident yet contrary points of view. No shit.

I diligently monitor world events, looking for indicators that fit together into the delicate puzzle that will reveal Armageddon's time, date, and zip code. My research is not a hobby, unless by "hobby" you mean "freakish obsession." If I painted my analyses onto grains of rice -- now that would be a hobby.

Gasoline is Becoming Too Inexpensive

Special Report -- I can almost hear your yipping and growling, but deal with this truth: when I'm mostly right, I'm mostly right.

Lay down your ax handles and let me explain.

What this country needs is a new reality. The old reality was working just fine for some of you, but everybody else was getting hosed.

For Americans, there are certain global expectations that must be met. Obligations, if you will. Talk loud, talk fast, spend more, get a good deal, spend even more, promote democracy. Import foreign TV game shows and export franchised fast food.

That precept has worked out pretty well for the first two hundred years or so, but history assigns a sell-by date to every superpower and there are indications the U.S.A. is about to get moved to the clearance aisle. Manager's special for the beacon of hope.

Particle Collider Successful, Watermelons Next

Geneva, Switzerland -- Scientists at the CERN nuclear research facility expressed favorable initial reactions to their particle-collision experiments that commenced early Wednesday.

CERN's unprecedented tests, conceived to reveal the definitive origin and ultimate fate of the universe, employ a 16 mile-long magnetic accelerator loop buried hundreds of feet below the Franco-Swiss border.

Mysteries to be solved include: When did the universe begin? How big was the Big Bang? What did it sound like? Where is everything going? What does it all mean?

"The preliminary results, they are encouraging, for sure," project manager Dr. Claude-Charles Trebuchet said in a phone interview. "We are anxious to move our inquiries beyond the very tiny energy particles and start smashing some bigger crap."

North Korea Better Off with Nuclear Reactors

An Editorial -- Bitterness, disagreement, and animosity characterize U.S.-North Korea relations, but the long decades of name calling and saber rattling could be nearing an end.

President George W. Bush formally removed North Korea from America's list of regimes that sponsor terrorism, and declared the former rogue state to be "kind of annoying, but no longer eligible for the Axis of Evil."

Recent diplomatic breakthroughs aimed at reducing nuclear proliferation appear, on the surface at least, to benefit the world's peace and security. Are these changes truly positive?

Provision of financial incentives to Pyongyang in exchange for the demolition of its cooling tower at Yongbyon will spawn unexpected new threats that could destabilize already shaky international markets.

U.S. to Provide Israel with Munitions for Iranian Assault?

Tel Aviv, Israel -- Israel used nearly one hundred F-15 and F-16 warplanes in this month's dramatic training mission over the Mediterranean Sea, clearly demonstrating the nation's resolve to prevent Iran's continuation of nuclear fuel enrichment.

Israeli Defense Forces Colonel Yitzhak Blum insisted that although his country firmly asserts the right to defend its existence, there were no plans to actually attack and destroy Iran's Natanz atomic facility.

"We could blow up anything we want, whenever we want," said Colonel Blum, "but we do not want to at the moment. There is talk of sending our planes to distribute some precision-guided leaflets to specific locations in Iran, but that's about it."

"Israel would be happy if it remained the only nuclear superpower in the region, however," the IDF officer added. "We're just funny that way."

U.S. Food Supply Deemed Unsafe for Bacteria

Washington, DC -- Continued severe outbreaks of dangerous contamination have caused the United States Food & Drug Administration to give all American fruits, vegetables, and meat a "not acceptable" rating.

The latest salmonellosis scourge, this time involving fresh Roma and red plum tomatoes, has caused economic and dietary upheaval as well as enraging millions of consumers of pico de gallo salsa, gazpacho, Cobb salad, and BLT sandwiches.

FDA Assistant Commissioner Dr. Jane Corey expressed deep concern for the illnesses—and in some cases deaths—caused by food supply quality lapses, while promising her agency would redouble its inspection efforts upon returning to full staffing strength.

"We're a little shorthanded at the moment," Dr. Corey told reporters Tuesday. "A lot of our inspectors have called in sick due to stomach viruses and the 24-hour flu."

"Commissioner von Eschenbach sends his apologies for missing this press conference," the Assistant Commissioner continued, "but he's feeling a little under the weather, too. He thinks it was something he ate."

Economists Lose Jobs, Unable to Forecast Recession

New York, NY -- With the U.S. economy sliding toward hard times, previously "safe" job categories are taking a hit. The latest vocation to feel the pinch is that of economists.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to support my family," said laid-off Credit Suisse Financial Group senior analyst David Simon Webber. "I mean, I never saw this coming."

"Weather forecasters are wrong all the time and still make a good living," Mr. Webber added. "Why should they have a job and I don't?"

Australian Sperm Donor Claims 27 Children

Sydney, Australia -- An Australian man who gives away his sperm on the black market to avoid stringent official regulations claims to have fathered up to 27 children in two generations, a newspaper reported on Saturday.

John Mayger, 59, is still fertilizing about one woman a month privately because he says fertility clinics treat people “like sausages” and prevent donors from being part of their children’s lives, the Sydney Morning Herald reported.

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Putin Asks: Can GPS System Track My Dog?

"When can I buy hardware to equip my dog with so that she won't run away too far?" Putin was quoted as asking First Deputy Prime Minister Sergei Ivanov during a briefing on progress towards developing a competitor to the U.S. GPS system.

(link to article)