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McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

Jenna Bush to Wed Satan in Texas

Crawford, TX -- Jenna Bush will marry Satan, Prince of Darkness, in a private ceremony to be held at the bride's family's ranch Saturday evening.

U.S. President George W. Bush arranged the unholy union in exchange for his election to two terms serving as the nation's Chief Executive.

"The way she and her sister Barbara ran around—," Mr. Bush said, "their Grandma used to warn them they'd go to hell. They never dreamed I had already cut a deal with that Beelzebub feller."

"I hate to let my daughter go," the President added, "but at least I still have one left."

Pope Benedict: We Have Enough Catholics

Washington, DC -- Pope Benedict XVI kicked off his first United States visit Tuesday by landing at Edwards Air Force Base outside of Washington, DC, where he was greeted by President George W. Bush.

"I like Catholics," said Mr. Bush, "and I like their faith. I feel close to them, and to it."

"I say 'Jesus Christ' all the time," the President continued.  "You know, 'Jesus Christ, look at my poll numbers. Jesus Christ, what did Cheney say now.' That sort of thing."

Geert Wilders' Fitna Movie: Bill O'Reilly Declares Jihad

Amsterdam, The Netherlands -- Controversial far-right Dutch politician Geert Wilders' provocative dissertation Fitna hit the Internet March 27. Even before the seventeen minute film's release, protests erupted due to the incendiary subject matter contained within.

The movie is a documentary-style exposé of American trash-journalist Bill O'Reilly's militant calls for violent demonstrations and reprisals against "unbelievers" who dare to oppose his dogma.

McCain Picks Whoopi Goldberg for Vice-President

Houston, TX -- Arizona Senator John McCain effectively clinched the 2008 GOP presidential nomination Tuesday, following Mike Huckabee's withdrawal from contention after the former Arkansas Governor lost major primaries in Ohio and Texas.

In a campaign season already boiling with controversy, the irritable yet grouchy McCain increased the heat on Democrats by naming his preferred Republican vice-presidential running mate.

"My friends," Senator McCain told several hundred supporters crowded into a Luby's cafeteria in Cypress, a Houston suburb, "this is an unprecedented opportunity to show how far the Republican Party has come, and how far we're willing to go. My choice for vice-president is Academy Award-winning actress and comedy star Whoopi Goldberg. She's female, black, and Jewish, and together we will win in November."

Death And Taxes Now Combined

Washington, DC -- The United States Department of Internal Revenue (or IRS) revealed its long-awaited and radical overhaul of the Federal personal income tax system. The good news for overburdened taxpayers is that rates have been adjusted downward dramatically, promising short-term financial relief. The bad news is that taxation no longer ends when Americans die.

"We took a long, hard look at many factors," IRS Afterlife Funding Analyst Nancy Drainpan told reporters in Washington, "including governmental fiscal responsibility, fair distribution of per-dollar obligations, and what we simply thought we could get away with. We think we've found an ideal compromise."

Christmas Goes Monthly In 2009

New York, NY -- In a move universally applauded by beleaguered retailers, observance of Christmas has been expanded to occur on the twenty-fifth of every calendar month. Although this holiest of Christian holidays has spent the past two millennia as an annual observance, supporters of Monthly Christmas lauded the advantages offered by the new schedule, which begins January 25, 2009.

"When you think about the upside, it's a no-brainer," said National Association of Retailers (NAR) Vice-President Barry Joe Schwartz. "Customers will shop twelve times a year instead of just once, and stores will make a lot of money—all the time. Our staffing demands will increase, and consumers desperate for second jobs to pay for all their gift purchases will fill that need. Everybody wins."

Hat Not That Funny At All, Says Pope

The Vatican, Italy -- Pope Benedict XVI has issued an ex cathedra decree wherein he refutes the popular perception that papal headgear is humorous. Speaking from a balcony to an estimated crowd of 20,000 faithful gathered at St. Peter's Square in Vatican City, the 80-year-old Bavarian-born pontiff left no doubt as to his opinion on the controversial subject.

"Yes, I tell you, I wear a famous hat," the leader of the Roman Catholic Church said through translation, "but it is not a hat of frivolity or zany foolishness. My hat is not a hat of secular vanity, self-aggrandizement, or pride. It is quite pointy, but this only enables me to look taller and more serious -- more Popish, if you know what I mean."