smithismyrealname.com

Accidental Life and Dismemberment

Special Report -- I like to drive slowly past houses at night and peer inside the windows. Not in a creepy way -- in fact, I don't even want to see people at all if they're in there. They are a distraction and block my view. You don't need to look at someone to see their life.

Being in motion while peeping is very important. It renders the scene in 3D. Incandescent sunset tones complemented by the bluish amalgamated glow of LCD TVs. Really makes the woodwork pop.

Maybe I've spent too much time underground. I like it well enough -- the sense of enclosure and security, the soothing hiss of a dehumidifier, the lack of drafts. What would you pay for complete protection from the threat of pillaging militias or rampaging mutants? Everything you have, when the time comes.

Window of Opportunism

Special Report -- I'm not religious. As far as I'm concerned, everything turns to dust sooner or later. Redemption should be found in one's own natural lifetime. I think.

It's not like I lack a moral center though. I know right from wrong. Life is not about accumulating poker chips of goodwill and waiting to cash them in on Judgment Day. Spend your winnings now, and wisely.

We live in the Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Era. Is the End of Days coming? Is it happening now? Pick a theory and there is probably evidence to support it -- the same clues often validate coincident yet contrary points of view. No shit.

I diligently monitor world events, looking for indicators that fit together into the delicate puzzle that will reveal Armageddon's time, date, and zip code. My research is not a hobby, unless by "hobby" you mean "freakish obsession." If I painted my analyses onto grains of rice -- now that would be a hobby.

Iranian President Exhausted Due to Web Surfing

Tehran, Iran -- Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad canceled a majority of his public appearances in an attempt to recover from what government physicians describe as "severe self-induced sexual exhaustion."

The Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) -- the official Iranian news generator -- reported on Saturday that Mr. Ahmadinejad had curtailed all engagements except for ones dedicated to making statements about his poor health.

IRNA's graphic artists are said to be working around the clock in an attempt to retouch current images of Mr. Ahmadinejad so that he looks well-rested, healthy, and rational.

Rumors leaking out of Iran describe a randy Mr. Ahmadinejad fixated on viewing candid Internet photos of high-profile monarchs and political figures, including Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni, American Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, and Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth II.

The Iranian leader has commented to close associates that although he believes "the Zionist state of Israel should be wiped off the map," he would seriously enjoy occupying Ms. Livni "for a few thousand years."

Particle Collider Successful, Watermelons Next

Geneva, Switzerland -- Scientists at the CERN nuclear research facility expressed favorable initial reactions to their particle-collision experiments that commenced early Wednesday.

CERN's unprecedented tests, conceived to reveal the definitive origin and ultimate fate of the universe, employ a 16 mile-long magnetic accelerator loop buried hundreds of feet below the Franco-Swiss border.

Mysteries to be solved include: When did the universe begin? How big was the Big Bang? What did it sound like? Where is everything going? What does it all mean?

"The preliminary results, they are encouraging, for sure," project manager Dr. Claude-Charles Trebuchet said in a phone interview. "We are anxious to move our inquiries beyond the very tiny energy particles and start smashing some bigger crap."

McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

Jenna Bush to Wed Satan in Texas

Crawford, TX -- Jenna Bush will marry Satan, Prince of Darkness, in a private ceremony to be held at the bride's family's ranch Saturday evening.

U.S. President George W. Bush arranged the unholy union in exchange for his election to two terms serving as the nation's Chief Executive.

"The way she and her sister Barbara ran around—," Mr. Bush said, "their Grandma used to warn them they'd go to hell. They never dreamed I had already cut a deal with that Beelzebub feller."

"I hate to let my daughter go," the President added, "but at least I still have one left."

Pope Benedict: We Have Enough Catholics

Washington, DC -- Pope Benedict XVI kicked off his first United States visit Tuesday by landing at Edwards Air Force Base outside of Washington, DC, where he was greeted by President George W. Bush.

"I like Catholics," said Mr. Bush, "and I like their faith. I feel close to them, and to it."

"I say 'Jesus Christ' all the time," the President continued.  "You know, 'Jesus Christ, look at my poll numbers. Jesus Christ, what did Cheney say now.' That sort of thing."

Geert Wilders' Fitna Movie: Bill O'Reilly Declares Jihad

Amsterdam, The Netherlands -- Controversial far-right Dutch politician Geert Wilders' provocative dissertation Fitna hit the Internet March 27. Even before the seventeen minute film's release, protests erupted due to the incendiary subject matter contained within.

The movie is a documentary-style exposé of American trash-journalist Bill O'Reilly's militant calls for violent demonstrations and reprisals against "unbelievers" who dare to oppose his dogma.

McCain Picks Whoopi Goldberg for Vice-President

Houston, TX -- Arizona Senator John McCain effectively clinched the 2008 GOP presidential nomination Tuesday, following Mike Huckabee's withdrawal from contention after the former Arkansas Governor lost major primaries in Ohio and Texas.

In a campaign season already boiling with controversy, the irritable yet grouchy McCain increased the heat on Democrats by naming his preferred Republican vice-presidential running mate.

"My friends," Senator McCain told several hundred supporters crowded into a Luby's cafeteria in Cypress, a Houston suburb, "this is an unprecedented opportunity to show how far the Republican Party has come, and how far we're willing to go. My choice for vice-president is Academy Award-winning actress and comedy star Whoopi Goldberg. She's female, black, and Jewish, and together we will win in November."

Death And Taxes Now Combined

Washington, DC -- The United States Department of Internal Revenue (or IRS) revealed its long-awaited and radical overhaul of the Federal personal income tax system. The good news for overburdened taxpayers is that rates have been adjusted downward dramatically, promising short-term financial relief. The bad news is that taxation no longer ends when Americans die.

"We took a long, hard look at many factors," IRS Afterlife Funding Analyst Nancy Drainpan told reporters in Washington, "including governmental fiscal responsibility, fair distribution of per-dollar obligations, and what we simply thought we could get away with. We think we've found an ideal compromise."