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Robert Novak Drives to Top of McCain VP List

Washington, DC -- Deposed GOP presidential aspirant Mitt Romney is in serious but stable condition due to injuries he sustained while crossing a street in the nation's capital Wednesday morning.

Accident scene eyewitnesses said the fabulously handsome former governor of Massachusetts was in a marked pedestrian crosswalk on K Street when a speeding Chevrolet Corvette convertible driven by semi-conservative commentator Robert Novak struck him.

"The good-looking guy tried to get out of the way," U.S. Treasury clerk Amanda Boatswain told a WJLA-TV reporter, "but the ugly guy in the black 'Vette swerved to nail him. It was horrific."

"They went three or four blocks with -- I guess you said it was Governor Romney -- sprawled on the car's windshield," Ms. Boatswain added. "The poor man looked more surprised than hurt."

McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

Obama: New Yorker Cover Real After All

New York, NY -- Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama withdrew his initial criticism of The New Yorker magazine's controversial front cover illustration featuring the Senator and his wife Michelle.

Within an hour of the July 16th issue's release, Mr. Obama's staff had released a vitriolic protest of the caricature produced by Canadian-born cartoonist Barry Blitt, but the campaign's harsh words were soon recanted.

"The Senator's outrage was entirely understandable," said Mr. Obama's communications director Bill Burton. "He simply didn't expect anything like that to come from such a normally left-leaning source. Then he talked to Mrs. Obama and they agreed The New Yorker pretty much nailed it."

"However," Mr. Burton continued, "at no time or under any circumstance has Senator Obama ever consumed a human infant. He is not a baby-eater."

Iran Launches Oil Barrels into Persian Gulf

Tehran, Iran -- The global petroleum market threw up a little in its throat Thursday as Iran commenced a second consecutive day of test firing oil-filled surface-to-surface missiles.

Determined to prove its courage, fortitude, and earnest resistance to common sense, the radical Islamic republic launched an estimated five hundred fully laden medium- and short-range Shahab-3, Scud-C, and Hoot missiles into the Straits of Hormuz, gateway to 40% of the world's fuel supply.

"Let it be clear to all who would dare threaten the Iranian people," said Revolutionary Guards General Mostafa Fattah, "our great nation will retaliate using every vessel at its disposal. To any aggressor planning a land assault, I tell you: the desert sands will be drowned in light sweet crude oil."

Rush Limbaugh Turns Down Obama VP Job

Denver, CO -- Radio talk-show pundit Rush Limbaugh became the latest notable public figure to remove his or her own name from consideration as Democratic Senator Barack Obama's vice presidential running mate.

Mr. Limbaugh's announcement followed recent similar rejections by Ohio Governor Ted Strickland, U.S. Senator Jim Webb of Virginia, and supermodel Christie Brinkley.

"If nominated I will not run," Mr. Limbaugh commented on-air Tuesday, "if elected I will not serve, if indicted I will not cooperate."

"I feel a strong sense of duty to my country," the fleshy yet chunky conservative maven added, "short of actually serving in the military or anything like that. I believe I can do America and myself the most good by blathering away right here in this broadcast studio."

Weakened in Paradise

Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.

Some of my enemies don't believe I have a reflection, but I do have one and it's rather attractive. I'm handsome in a non-traditional, asymmetric, rugged, quirky, funny-looking way.

Genetic attributes have a lot to do with it, of course, but my family's DNA chain has had its fair share of broken or missing links. My father always told me he's not sure about my mother's identity because he was really drunk the night I was conceived. 

G8 Kind of Sucks

Sapporo, Japan -- Thousands of protesters grotesquely resembling world leaders have begun gathering on Japan's Hokkaido island in anticipation of Monday's 2008 Group of Eight summit.

A quarter of a million police officers were dispatched to the tiny Toyako lakeside resort in anticipation of violent activism that could include anti-globalization rallies, demands for climate-affecting environmental policy changes, and pathetic whining about the supposedly dwindling global food supply.

"Our men are trained, capable, and highly motivated," said Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. "It is easy to identify and control the radical elements—all we have to do is search for scary big-headed freaks who look like President George W. Bush, Chancellor Angela Merkel, or me."

Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

Depression Not So Great

New York, NY -- Last Friday's stock market near-crash sent waves of intestinal cramps rippling through the world's investment community.

With the Dow Jones Industrial Average having lost more value than at any time post-1929 and reaching its lowest point in the past 22 months, the current financial crisis is taking a psychological and emotional toll on jittery investors.

"I used to think my trading experience and insider knowledge would give me the edge when it came time to set up my own retirement fund," said Wall Street commodities broker Simon Kaplan. "Now I might have to break the lease on my 7-Series BMW. I'm very depressed."

North Korea Better Off with Nuclear Reactors

An Editorial -- Bitterness, disagreement, and animosity characterize U.S.-North Korea relations, but the long decades of name calling and saber rattling could be nearing an end.

President George W. Bush formally removed North Korea from America's list of regimes that sponsor terrorism, and declared the former rogue state to be "kind of annoying, but no longer eligible for the Axis of Evil."

Recent diplomatic breakthroughs aimed at reducing nuclear proliferation appear, on the surface at least, to benefit the world's peace and security. Are these changes truly positive?

Provision of financial incentives to Pyongyang in exchange for the demolition of its cooling tower at Yongbyon will spawn unexpected new threats that could destabilize already shaky international markets.