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Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

McCain: Robots Will Replace Bloggers by 2009

Washington, DC -- Senator John McCain fired back at newspaper editors, TV pundits, and Internet bloggers Tuesday by delivering a scathing rebuke via telegram.

The presumptive Republican presidential nominee declared himself "totally up to here" with "lousy wisecracks" and "smartypants conjecture" about his supposed antiquity, bad temper, marital infidelity, and slavish devotion to lobbyists.

"Question: what do you call a hundred thousand bloggers bound in chains at the bottom of the ocean?" Mr. McCain wired friends, family, supporters, and Fox News. "Answer: the first month of my presidential administration."

Obama Apologizes for Vanity Fair Cover

Indianapolis, IN -- Democratic presidential frontrunner Senator Barack Obama expressed regret Monday for his provocative photos published in the June issue of Vanity Fair magazine.

The Illinois Senator insisted Annie Leibovitz's photography was "tasteful and artistic," but he admitted he "got caught up in the moment" and "couldn't remember every teeny tiny detail."

"It doesn't matter what I say or do," said the charismatic 46-year-old civil rights attorney, who wore little more than a satin sheet and a smile for the pictorial spread. "All you people want to do is hate on me anyway."

"Celebrities Are Vicious": Photographers Demand Protection

Hollywood, CA -- Enough is enough, say professional photographers. The hours spent hiding in bushes or sprinting along behind speeding limousines can be stressful, but ever-increasing physical attacks by celebrities are taking a terrible toll on paparazzi.

On Monday, embattled photojournalists demonstrated their solidarity at a rally outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre along the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Bitter and angry camera jockeys torched effigies of Sean Penn and Bjork, flung cameras at passing celebrity motorists, and linked arms while chanting, "Don't shoot me, I'll shoot you."

"Verbal abuse is bad enough," said veteran image harvester Rex Bolan, "because words can really hurt your feelings—but the constant threat of injury is what has me thinking about retirement. I love what I do but it's simply not worth the risk."

"Thank God the writers' strike caused the Golden Globes award show to be scaled down," Mr. Bolan continued. "That event was going to be a bloodbath!"