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British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac

St. Louis, MO -- International megabrewer InBev NV expanded its portfolio of acquisitions Tuesday by successfully purchasing majority interests in troubled U.S. mortgage lenders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

The deal closed shortly after American beer giant Anheuser-Busch's acceptance of a $952 billion takeover bid by the Belgian-based but Brazilian-operated purveyor of malted barley beverages.

"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately," said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, "but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs -- there is no limit to what we can achieve together."

"We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity," Mr. Brito added. "However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names."

Scott McClellan Rats Out Katie Couric

New York, NY -- Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan continued his series of snitchy revelations Thursday by totally busting embattled CBS News anchor Katie Couric.

In his just-published book What Happened: The Culture of Blindingly Obvious Deception, Mr. McClellan alleges the perky yet vivacious former Today Show star had extensive cosmetic surgery performed on her legs in 1991, including silicone calf implants.

"Katie's famous gams are not 'naturals' although many people still find them appealing," Mr. McClellan writes. "She is also a terrible tipper and never contributes to the office coffee fund."

"I still like and admire Katie Couric," he continued, "but I guess she can be kind of mean sometimes."

David Archuleta: Florida, Michigan Votes Not Counted

Los Angeles, CA -- Highly-favored American Idol finalist David Archuleta declared his loss Wednesday "a tragic miscarriage of the democratic process" and "yet another example of voter disenfranchisement."

The 17-year-old pop phenom complained bitterly about Fox TV's popular talent show, insisting that dirty tricks were employed to twist the outcome into a cruel joke and a sham.

"I went out there and sang my butt off," Archuleta wrote on his blog, "and some old guy won instead. Dad says I was screwed over, and he's always right."

Amy Winehouse Attacks San Diego Swimmers

San Diego, CA -- Despite her ever-growing fame and wealth, Grammy Award winner Amy Winehouse appears to be on a rampage of horrific terror.

The talented and tattooed British singer/songwriter has been charged with attacking swimmers at Solana Beach near San Diego, killing one and injuring dozens.

According to a police source who wished to remain androgynous, the beehived soul singer was "out of control" during the booking process, but became "calm and tractable" after an old Young Ones TV series videotape was played in her holding cell.

"She thinks that show is a documentary and the 'Vyvyan' sociopath punk character is real," said the source.

Miley Cyrus Autobiography Only Twelve Pages Long

New York, NY -- Split-personality teen idol Miley Cyrus elicited a huge squeal of delight from her young fans yesterday by announcing her forthcoming autobiography.

The seven-figure book deal—a stunning contract for a 15-year-old entertainer's memoir—rocked the publishing world as well as the Hannah Montana star's ardent admirers.

In a groundbreaking departure from normal conventions, the entire Miley Cyrus life story fills only twelve pages in the oversized hard cover volume, and most of those pages are blank.

"We paid top dollar," said Disney-Hyperion Books editor Donna Tagliani, "but we saved money by not hiring a ghostwriter. Miley told the story in her own words."

Britney Spears Not That Messed Up, Internet Collapses

Burbank, CA -- Troubled pop diva Britney Spears shocked her critics by delivering a stunning guest performance on the CBS TV series How I Met Your Mother, which aired Monday night.

According to reviews, Ms. Spears played her role with commitment, focus, and a true sense of purpose—much the same way she applies herself to self-destructive partying and tediously predictable crotch shots.

"I wanted to prove I could still get the job done," an enthusiastic and remarkably coherent Spears told reporters Tuesday. "It was important for me to reveal my deeply private inner self through the medium of acting, in much the same way I let paparazzi see my cooter."

President Bush Misses Critical Notes

Bush, singing only slightly off key, then turned to some of the long-term members of his team including Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

"For there's Condi and Dick, my old compadre, talking to me about some oil rich Saudi, but soon I'll touch the brown brown grass of home."

"That old White house is behind me, I am once again carefree, don't have to worry 'bout a crisis in Pyongyang. Down the lane I look, Dick Cheney is strolling with documents he'd been withholding, it's good to touch the brown brown grass of home."

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2008 Beijing Olympics Are Copy of 2000 Sydney Games

Beijing, China -- Reports smuggled out of the People's Republic of China reveal the entire Olympic Complex under construction in Beijing for this year's Summer Games is a nearly exact copy of the successful 2000 event in Sydney, Australia.

Google Map satellite images of China confirm work is progressing at a steady pace, with three-quarter scale replicas of the 110,000 seat Stadium Australia and the 21,000 seat Sydney SuperDome indoor arena almost complete.

Thanks to her career having become a three-quarter scale replica of itself, troubled pop diva Britney Spears has been booked to perform at the opening ceremony in Beijing on August 8th.

"Nothing will kick off our Olympic celebration better than Britney's performance," said Entertainment Committee Chairman Lu Fuwa Deng. "Like her, we sing and dance, and we're not that innocent."

Kim Jong-il Declares War on New York Philharmonic

Pyongyang, North Korea -- In defiance of what he labeled "yet another overt act of aggression by an imperialist power", Democratic People's Republic of Korea leader Kim Jong-il placed his nation on its highest military alert status and issued a formal declaration of war against the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.

The Stalinist North Korean dictator's hostile action directed toward America's oldest and most distinguished orchestra came as a chilling setback to recently thawing U.S-North Korean diplomatic relations.

Reports leaked from North Korean government agencies suggest that Kim's initial enthusiastic support for the Philharmonic's February 26 engagement at Pyongyang's Grand Theatre turned to bitterness and disgust when the program failed to present a "satisfactory" number of songs praising Kim's amazing awesomeness.