From the vault. The archives. Rejected singles. Hidden treasure. Secret hits. Basement tapes. Forbidden melodies.
"March of the Damned" -- John Philip Sousa
"Razor Blades, Broken Glass, and Model Airplane Glue" -- Alison Krauss
"That's Not a Roll of Quarters in My Pocket, Darling" -- Irving Berlin
Continue reading "Unreleased Songs and Forgotten "B" Sides" »
Special Report -- I awake in the 4:00 AM gloom, unable to breathe. A bearded, brown-eyed Cyclops wearing a feathery plumed hat lies on my chest staring at me. My Indiglo watch's pale luminescence reveals the intruder's identity: cat #27 nuzzling my pajama pants drawstring again.
I am by necessity a cat rancher. Felines are useful for their varmint-hunting prowess, pelts, and milk. A dozen or so can keep you warm when no other heat source is available. Milking them is not an enterprise to be underestimated, but I have small hands so no problem there.
I'm enjoying my time above ground. Most of it, anyway. It's hard to sleep at night -- I have trouble resting because every day ends with a sense of unfinished business. I can't relax. And then those effing cats come around again.
Continue reading "The Sucker Punch of a Brighter Tomorrow" »
London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.
Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.
"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."
Continue reading "British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney" »
St. Louis, MO -- International megabrewer InBev NV expanded its portfolio of acquisitions Tuesday by successfully purchasing majority interests in troubled U.S. mortgage lenders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
The deal closed shortly after American beer giant Anheuser-Busch's acceptance of a $952 billion takeover bid by the Belgian-based but Brazilian-operated purveyor of malted barley beverages.
"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately," said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, "but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs -- there is no limit to what we can achieve together."
"We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity," Mr. Brito added. "However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names."
New York, NY -- Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan continued his series of snitchy revelations Thursday by totally busting embattled CBS News anchor Katie Couric.
In his just-published book What Happened: The Culture of Blindingly Obvious Deception, Mr. McClellan alleges the perky yet vivacious former Today Show star had extensive cosmetic surgery performed on her legs in 1991, including silicone calf implants.
"Katie's famous gams are not 'naturals' although many people still find them appealing," Mr. McClellan writes. "She is also a terrible tipper and never contributes to the office coffee fund."
"I still like and admire Katie Couric," he continued, "but I guess she can be kind of mean sometimes."
Los Angeles, CA -- Highly-favored American Idol finalist David Archuleta declared his loss Wednesday "a tragic miscarriage of the democratic process" and "yet another example of voter disenfranchisement."
The 17-year-old pop phenom complained bitterly about Fox TV's popular talent show, insisting that dirty tricks were employed to twist the outcome into a cruel joke and a sham.
"I went out there and sang my butt off," Archuleta wrote on his blog, "and some old guy won instead. Dad says I was screwed over, and he's always right."
Continue reading "David Archuleta: Florida, Michigan Votes Not Counted" »
San Diego, CA -- Despite her ever-growing fame and wealth, Grammy Award winner Amy Winehouse appears to be on a rampage of horrific terror.
The talented and tattooed British singer/songwriter has been charged with attacking swimmers at Solana Beach near San Diego, killing one and injuring dozens.
According to a police source who wished to remain androgynous, the beehived soul singer was "out of control" during the booking process, but became "calm and tractable" after an old Young Ones TV series videotape was played in her holding cell.
"She thinks that show is a documentary and the 'Vyvyan' sociopath punk character is real," said the source.
Continue reading "Amy Winehouse Attacks San Diego Swimmers" »
New York, NY -- Split-personality teen idol Miley Cyrus elicited a huge squeal of delight from her young fans yesterday by announcing her forthcoming autobiography.
The seven-figure book deal—a stunning contract for a 15-year-old entertainer's memoir—rocked the publishing world as well as the Hannah Montana star's ardent admirers.
In a groundbreaking departure from normal conventions, the entire Miley Cyrus life story fills only twelve pages in the oversized hard cover volume, and most of those pages are blank.
"We paid top dollar," said Disney-Hyperion Books editor Donna Tagliani, "but we saved money by not hiring a ghostwriter. Miley told the story in her own words."
Continue reading "Miley Cyrus Autobiography Only Twelve Pages Long" »
Burbank, CA -- Troubled pop diva Britney Spears shocked her critics by delivering a stunning guest performance on the CBS TV series How I Met Your Mother, which aired Monday night.
According to reviews, Ms. Spears played her role with commitment, focus, and a true sense of purpose—much the same way she applies herself to self-destructive partying and tediously predictable crotch shots.
"I wanted to prove I could still get the job done," an enthusiastic and remarkably coherent Spears told reporters Tuesday. "It was important for me to reveal my deeply private inner self through the medium of acting, in much the same way I let paparazzi see my cooter."
Continue reading "Britney Spears Not That Messed Up, Internet Collapses" »
Bush, singing only slightly off key, then turned to some of the long-term members of his team including Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.
"For there's Condi and Dick, my old compadre, talking to me about some oil rich Saudi, but soon I'll touch the brown brown grass of home."
"That old White house is behind me, I am once again carefree, don't have to worry 'bout a crisis in Pyongyang. Down the lane I look, Dick Cheney is strolling with documents he'd been withholding, it's good to touch the brown brown grass of home."
