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British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

Rafael Nadal Back Together with Pamela Anderson

London, England -- The on-again, off-again relationship of tennis superstar Rafael Nadal and plush toy Pamela Anderson is definitely on—and hotter than ever.

Nadal, the number two ranked tennis player in the world, took a break from embarrassing his tournament opponents Friday by spending quality time with his sexpot main squeeze.

Although he is most famous for his prowess on hard clay courts, Nadal is proud of his overall versatility, saying, "I think I have already proven my capabilities on soft, slippery surfaces."

"If you do not believe me," he added, "just ask Pamela."

U.S. Air Force Misplaces Brangelina Baby Birth Info

Washington, DC -- The two top-ranking U.S. Air Force military and civilian officials stepped down from their posts Thursday due to their service's inept handling of news about adoption-hobbyist Angelina Jolie's pregnancy.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates accepted the resignations of Chief of Staff General Michael Moseley and Secretary Michael Wynne.

Mr. Gates, President Bush's hand-picked successor to feisty but weird former Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, announced the disgraced men's departures while he addressed a Congressional joint committee.

"I apologize to Congress and the American people for the egregious errors that have occurred during my watch," Mr. Gates said in his opening statement. "Handling critical, specific, volatile information like Brangelina's natal countdown demands a higher level of operational competence."

Scott McClellan Rats Out Katie Couric

New York, NY -- Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan continued his series of snitchy revelations Thursday by totally busting embattled CBS News anchor Katie Couric.

In his just-published book What Happened: The Culture of Blindingly Obvious Deception, Mr. McClellan alleges the perky yet vivacious former Today Show star had extensive cosmetic surgery performed on her legs in 1991, including silicone calf implants.

"Katie's famous gams are not 'naturals' although many people still find them appealing," Mr. McClellan writes. "She is also a terrible tipper and never contributes to the office coffee fund."

"I still like and admire Katie Couric," he continued, "but I guess she can be kind of mean sometimes."

Microsoft to Merge with Scarlett Johansson

Redmond, WA -- Having failed to get into Yahoo!'s pants, Microsoft Corporation changed tactics and announced its intention to acquire beautiful 23-year-old movie actress Scarlett Johansson.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer explained the software/Internet giant's plan during a press conference on Monday.

"We simply must possess Scarlett before Apple or Google put the moves on her," Mr. Ballmer said. "The last time our stockholders were this excited was when we settled our monopoly case in 2001."

"Scarlett is super-pretty and super-hot," he added. "We just want to stroke her hair and maybe turn her into a game or a screensaver or something."

Geert Wilders' Fitna Movie: Bill O'Reilly Declares Jihad

Amsterdam, The Netherlands -- Controversial far-right Dutch politician Geert Wilders' provocative dissertation Fitna hit the Internet March 27. Even before the seventeen minute film's release, protests erupted due to the incendiary subject matter contained within.

The movie is a documentary-style exposé of American trash-journalist Bill O'Reilly's militant calls for violent demonstrations and reprisals against "unbelievers" who dare to oppose his dogma.

McCain Picks Whoopi Goldberg for Vice-President

Houston, TX -- Arizona Senator John McCain effectively clinched the 2008 GOP presidential nomination Tuesday, following Mike Huckabee's withdrawal from contention after the former Arkansas Governor lost major primaries in Ohio and Texas.

In a campaign season already boiling with controversy, the irritable yet grouchy McCain increased the heat on Democrats by naming his preferred Republican vice-presidential running mate.

"My friends," Senator McCain told several hundred supporters crowded into a Luby's cafeteria in Cypress, a Houston suburb, "this is an unprecedented opportunity to show how far the Republican Party has come, and how far we're willing to go. My choice for vice-president is Academy Award-winning actress and comedy star Whoopi Goldberg. She's female, black, and Jewish, and together we will win in November."

Bob To The Surface

Special Report -- I'm back, surface dwellers. It's been a month since I went underground, and quite honestly I did not expect any of you to still be here. My face was red when I realized the world had not ended! Not ended yet, at any rate.

Suspicious because of the lack of cataclysmic rumblings or general mayhem, and totally frustrated by my craving for a nice fresh spinach salad, I cracked the seal on my fallout shelter's formidable door and sniffed the air. Alkaline, dusty, contaminated. Perfectly normal. My house was still standing in its lopsided way and the neighborhood looked as marginal as it ever does.

My laptop died last week, so I anxiously logged on with the PC in my home office to find out what the hell was going on with the end of the world not beginning. Five minutes spent on Yahoo! and Google News left me sitting in my leopard skin executive chair feeling crushed and unable to breathe. Life as we know it had not ended while I was underground but had surely changed in strange and terrible ways.