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Grilling in the Dark

Excerpts from an Unfinished Detective Story:

He was a chalk outline waiting for a place to happen.

I had roused myself and gotten ready extra-early that morning. A four o'clock shadow now covered my face like cigarette ashes on a dinner plate.

"As much as I hate my life," she said over her shoulder, "I hate your life even more."

I began to think I had a clue, and the clue was that my name was not on a big oversized check. Ed McMahon was not standing in my flower bed, smiling.

The striped tiger cat froze on the countertop, blending chameleon-like with the toaster oven and a stack of unpaid bills.

Internet Filled to Capacity in 2006

Mountain View, CA -- A comprehensive review of previously published data is now leading analysts to a startling conclusion: the Internet is saturated, and has been since the summer of 2006.

Based on documents, reports, and purely speculative conjecture, the majority of new content uploaded to the World Wide Web simply sinks quietly into fuzzy digital noise.

"There's valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day," said Google Inc.'s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. "Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical 'news' blogs."

"Fake news bloggers are the worst," Mr. Humes added. "The half-baked stories and made-up quotes -- who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they're like big douchebags full of crap."

Miley Cyrus Fires Disney

Burbank, CA -- Ultra-cute pop idol Miley Cyrus responded forcefully to persistent criticisms of her lifestyle and career choices -- by throwing Disney Studios out of the entertainment business.

Ms. Cyrus, refusing to speak directly to reporters, announced her intentions Wednesday during a four-minute clip released directly onto the popular YouTube site.

The elaborately staged and choreographed music video/pink slip, titled Miley Cyrus and the Seven Deadly Sins, is an enchanting romp through a magical kingdom of singing, dancing, recrimination, regret, and tedious exit interviews.

"We're watching a little girl grow up," said industry observer and soft child-porn advocate Dennis Delaplane of Mission Hills, CA. "Miley has evolved from innocent cutie, to bad girl cutie, to tough bitch cutie. The only thing that could stop her now is a serious eating disorder or conversion to an obscure religious sect."

YouTube reports their system is "stressed but holding up reasonably well" under the burden of nearly two billion hits as of Thursday morning. Despite these impressive viewing figures, a majority of the world's population couldn't give a rat's ass.

Celebrities Struggling to Make Ends Meet

Los Angeles, CA -- The world's sagging economy is placing severe hardships on a majority of famous, beautiful people, many of whom are barely able to keep up.

Bank failures, rising food and energy costs, the mortgage crisis -- it's never been more difficult for fabulously wealthy stars to afford life's basic necessities.

In particularly hard hit regions like Beverly Park or the Hamptons, some of the most impoverished privileged are unable to maintain their premium cable TV programming, dine out more than five nights a week, or even purchase the latest cell phones.

There's a Party in My Pants

Editor's note: Bob C. is on location in St. Paul, live-blogging the 2008 Republican National Convention. Here is a summary of his reports.

Wednesday, September 3

11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills -- and strong hands like a farmer's wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.

12:56PM I use the restroom. Four men -- plainclothes security, I assume -- are beating the crap out of a twenty-something guy. I don't know if he is a protester or maybe a delegate who questioned the Party platform.

2.30PM More procedural stuff. Blah, blah, blah. Republicans sure love to read long lists of rules.

5:23PM I use the restroom again. No assaults this time, except on my sense of smell.

British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

Rafael Nadal Back Together with Pamela Anderson

London, England -- The on-again, off-again relationship of tennis superstar Rafael Nadal and plush toy Pamela Anderson is definitely on—and hotter than ever.

Nadal, the number two ranked tennis player in the world, took a break from embarrassing his tournament opponents Friday by spending quality time with his sexpot main squeeze.

Although he is most famous for his prowess on hard clay courts, Nadal is proud of his overall versatility, saying, "I think I have already proven my capabilities on soft, slippery surfaces."

"If you do not believe me," he added, "just ask Pamela."

U.S. Air Force Misplaces Brangelina Baby Birth Info

Washington, DC -- The two top-ranking U.S. Air Force military and civilian officials stepped down from their posts Thursday due to their service's inept handling of news about adoption-hobbyist Angelina Jolie's pregnancy.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates accepted the resignations of Chief of Staff General Michael Moseley and Secretary Michael Wynne.

Mr. Gates, President Bush's hand-picked successor to feisty but weird former Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, announced the disgraced men's departures while he addressed a Congressional joint committee.

"I apologize to Congress and the American people for the egregious errors that have occurred during my watch," Mr. Gates said in his opening statement. "Handling critical, specific, volatile information like Brangelina's natal countdown demands a higher level of operational competence."