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Grilling in the Dark

Excerpts from an Unfinished Detective Story:

He was a chalk outline waiting for a place to happen.

I had roused myself and gotten ready extra-early that morning. A four o'clock shadow now covered my face like cigarette ashes on a dinner plate.

"As much as I hate my life," she said over her shoulder, "I hate your life even more."

I began to think I had a clue, and the clue was that my name was not on a big oversized check. Ed McMahon was not standing in my flower bed, smiling.

The striped tiger cat froze on the countertop, blending chameleon-like with the toaster oven and a stack of unpaid bills.

Internet Overrun by Whiny Commenters

San Francisco, CA -- From its inception, the Internet used to be universally accessible, but current trends indicate it is now reserved for the exclusive use of an elitist cadre of frustrated, whining wiseacres.

These Web-based bullies -- living in their mother's remodeled basement bedrooms and hiding behind online aliases -- find it is much easier to submit snarky, cynical criticism than to actually compose worthwhile original content.

Consuming massive bandwidth every time they upload crudely Photoshopped images of Britney Spears spanking Miley Cyrus, and bantering with like-minded trolls while taking breaks from surfing explicit Internet porn, Web bullies loaf along in the passing lane of the information superhighway.

"It's as if they've invaded the 'Net," said Mountlake Terrace, WA Web-user profiling expert Dom Traynor. "If you have ever wondered what your employer's IT guys do during their off-time, this is it. Actually, a lot of them do it at work, too."

"Those geeks are mean," he continued, "and some of them are just bug-eating crazy."

The Chinese Human Rights Olympics

Beijing, China -- The upcoming 2008 Summer Olympic Games have prompted the People's Democratic Republic of China to upgrade its transportation infrastructure, erect vast new architectural edifices, and remove dog from downtown Beijing restaurant menus.

Despite China's massive build-up in anticipation of a huge tourism influx -- and under the glare of intensified news media coverage -- the Communist regime is also receiving criticism for its endemic oppression, corruption, and hard-to-pronounce surnames.

Not to worry, according to Xiao-Xing Jixu Zhang, the PDRC's head of Olympic planning.

"Our official policy is to politely ignore negative comments about our methods," said the faceless bureaucrat, "although in reality we would love to round up all of those trash-talking foreign journalists, throw them in prison, shoot them, and sell their organs to hospitals."

YouTube More Popular Than Talking, Reading

Columbus, OH -- It's official: in only three short years YouTube has replaced all other forms of human communication. Text messaging finishes a distant second to the Internet video sharing site, followed by emailing, talking, writing, reading, and meaningful glances.

A fifteen month survey conducted by researchers at Ohio State University presents startling conclusions about the evolution of the YouTube phenomenon. The research team's seven minute summary uploaded to the YouTube site late Monday night has already received over ninety-five million hits as of Tuesday morning. Following a brief introductory segment featuring an adorable Jack Russell terrier riding a skateboard, the summary asserts that mankind's traditional methods of exchanging ideas and concepts are obsolete.

"It's easy for most people to see the path YouTube is following," said OSU media analyst Dr. David Hsu, "but to illustrate it, here's our next amazing clip—five thousand DVD cases, videotapes, and books falling domino-style in some guy's apartment."

The English Language Eats Itself

Visitors to Merriam-Webster's Web site were invited to vote for one of 20 words and phrases culled from the most frequently looked-up words on the site and submitted by readers.

Runner-up was "facebook" as a new verb meaning to add someone to a list of friends on the Web site Facebook.com or to search for people on the social networking site.

Merriam-Webster President John Morse said [the winner] "w00t" reflected the growing use of numeric keyboards to type words.

"People look for self-evident numeral-letter substitutions: 0 for O; 3 for E; 7 for T; and 4 for A," he said. "This is simply a different and more efficient way of representing the alphabetical character."

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