smithismyrealname.com

The Sucker Punch of a Brighter Tomorrow

Special Report -- I awake in the 4:00 AM gloom, unable to breathe. A bearded, brown-eyed Cyclops wearing a feathery plumed hat lies on my chest staring at me. My Indiglo watch's pale luminescence reveals the intruder's identity: cat #27 nuzzling my pajama pants drawstring again.

I am by necessity a cat rancher. Felines are useful for their varmint-hunting prowess, pelts, and milk. A dozen or so can keep you warm when no other heat source is available. Milking them is not an enterprise to be underestimated, but I have small hands so no problem there.

I'm enjoying my time above ground. Most of it, anyway. It's hard to sleep at night -- I have trouble resting because every day ends with a sense of unfinished business. I can't relax. And then those effing cats come around again.

Cheney Douchiest VP of All Time, Ever, Seriously

Washington, DC -- In the waning days of the Bush Administration, Vice President Dick Cheney has few regrets.

The salty yet savvy second-in-command revealed some of his complex inner feelings, however, during a recent interview by Fox News reporter Chris Wallace.

Mr. Cheney grew visibly impatient and annoyed when the newsman prodded him with questions about Guantanamo detainees, expansion of the executive branch's power, and presidential authority to access the nation's nuclear codes when disputing pizza delivery service.

An increasingly upset Mr. Cheney stated categorically that Mr. Wallace, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Caroline Kennedy, and even Paris Hilton could all go "bleep" themselves.

Internet Filled to Capacity in 2006

Mountain View, CA -- A comprehensive review of previously published data is now leading analysts to a startling conclusion: the Internet is saturated, and has been since the summer of 2006.

Based on documents, reports, and purely speculative conjecture, the majority of new content uploaded to the World Wide Web simply sinks quietly into fuzzy digital noise.

"There's valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day," said Google Inc.'s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. "Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical 'news' blogs."

"Fake news bloggers are the worst," Mr. Humes added. "The half-baked stories and made-up quotes -- who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they're like big douchebags full of crap."

Window of Opportunism

Special Report -- I'm not religious. As far as I'm concerned, everything turns to dust sooner or later. Redemption should be found in one's own natural lifetime. I think.

It's not like I lack a moral center though. I know right from wrong. Life is not about accumulating poker chips of goodwill and waiting to cash them in on Judgment Day. Spend your winnings now, and wisely.

We live in the Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Era. Is the End of Days coming? Is it happening now? Pick a theory and there is probably evidence to support it -- the same clues often validate coincident yet contrary points of view. No shit.

I diligently monitor world events, looking for indicators that fit together into the delicate puzzle that will reveal Armageddon's time, date, and zip code. My research is not a hobby, unless by "hobby" you mean "freakish obsession." If I painted my analyses onto grains of rice -- now that would be a hobby.

President-Elect Obama: I Wasn't Serious

Chicago, IL -- The election of America's first African-American Negro black president has been greeted enthusiastically by 53% of the U.S. population and almost universally by the rest of the world.

Stalwart Republican challenger Senator John McCain refused to admit defeat, however, and insisted he will keep campaigning "for a hundred years, if that's what it takes."

The national pastime of poll-watching is now pushed aside by newer obsessions: counting down the days before President-Elect Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, critiquing First Lady-Elect Michelle Obama's wardrobe, and gushing over the exquisite cuteness of First Daughters-Elect Sasha and Malia Obama.

"My fellow Americans, it's been a long road and we have journeyed far together," Mr. Obama said in a statement released on Friday, "but there's so much yet to be done. I'm not sure I'm really the guy for it."

Liquid Plumber: Joe's Wardrobe Costs GOP $150K

Defiance, OH -- Controversial new campaign financial disclosures are rocking the waning days of Senator John McCain's 2008 White House bid.

In the midst of a tightening presidential race between Mr. McCain and Democratic Senator Barack Obama, the supposedly biased media is clearly resisting every opportunity to slant the news against the creepy, disconnected, Bush-loving old guy from Arizona.

On Friday, the Republican National Committee reported receipts amounting to nearly $150,000 for clothing, cosmetic treatments, and beef jerky allocated to McCain campaign phenomenon Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher.

McCain senior strategist and speechwriter Mark Salter dismissed the bills as "irrelevant" and "false" while insisting, "even if the story were true, and it is, Obama will raise taxes."

Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers

Washington, DC -- Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history's dumpster.

A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush's current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.

"The Administration's handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush's credibility," senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. "It's like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football."

Mr. Bush's name has become synonymous with selfish, blockheaded ruthlessness in much the same way the public perceives financial traders, TV game show hosts, and seafaring buccaneers.

Miley Cyrus Fires Disney

Burbank, CA -- Ultra-cute pop idol Miley Cyrus responded forcefully to persistent criticisms of her lifestyle and career choices -- by throwing Disney Studios out of the entertainment business.

Ms. Cyrus, refusing to speak directly to reporters, announced her intentions Wednesday during a four-minute clip released directly onto the popular YouTube site.

The elaborately staged and choreographed music video/pink slip, titled Miley Cyrus and the Seven Deadly Sins, is an enchanting romp through a magical kingdom of singing, dancing, recrimination, regret, and tedious exit interviews.

"We're watching a little girl grow up," said industry observer and soft child-porn advocate Dennis Delaplane of Mission Hills, CA. "Miley has evolved from innocent cutie, to bad girl cutie, to tough bitch cutie. The only thing that could stop her now is a serious eating disorder or conversion to an obscure religious sect."

YouTube reports their system is "stressed but holding up reasonably well" under the burden of nearly two billion hits as of Thursday morning. Despite these impressive viewing figures, a majority of the world's population couldn't give a rat's ass.

Candidates Waging Battle of Quotes, Sources Say

New York, NY -- It's never been more difficult to separate whining from substance. America's 2008 presidential race is fully engaged, but truth and credibility are not.

The road to the White House is littered with the corpses of shattered reality and common decency -- casualties of one of the ugliest, nastiest major U.S. elections since 2004.

A storm surge of windy rhetoric, bad-humored sound bites, and overheated metaphors threatens the coastlines of this nation's political scene.

"Our focus is not just on winning," said Republican strategist Payton Conch of Tupelo, MS. "It's about change and a vision for the future. Wait. No. It's totally about winning."

There's a Party in My Pants

Editor's note: Bob C. is on location in St. Paul, live-blogging the 2008 Republican National Convention. Here is a summary of his reports.

Wednesday, September 3

11:40AM Yes, I got here late. What a night I had. Three women at my hotel asked me if I wanted a massage. I thought they were hookers but it turns out they were delegates from Indiana. One in particular had skills -- and strong hands like a farmer's wife. She told me she attended her first GOP convention in 1972 when Nixon won his second nomination. Unlike that sordid affair, last night had a happy ending.

12:56PM I use the restroom. Four men -- plainclothes security, I assume -- are beating the crap out of a twenty-something guy. I don't know if he is a protester or maybe a delegate who questioned the Party platform.

2.30PM More procedural stuff. Blah, blah, blah. Republicans sure love to read long lists of rules.

5:23PM I use the restroom again. No assaults this time, except on my sense of smell.