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British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac

St. Louis, MO -- International megabrewer InBev NV expanded its portfolio of acquisitions Tuesday by successfully purchasing majority interests in troubled U.S. mortgage lenders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

The deal closed shortly after American beer giant Anheuser-Busch's acceptance of a $952 billion takeover bid by the Belgian-based but Brazilian-operated purveyor of malted barley beverages.

"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately," said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, "but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs -- there is no limit to what we can achieve together."

"We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity," Mr. Brito added. "However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names."

Iran Launches Oil Barrels into Persian Gulf

Tehran, Iran -- The global petroleum market threw up a little in its throat Thursday as Iran commenced a second consecutive day of test firing oil-filled surface-to-surface missiles.

Determined to prove its courage, fortitude, and earnest resistance to common sense, the radical Islamic republic launched an estimated five hundred fully laden medium- and short-range Shahab-3, Scud-C, and Hoot missiles into the Straits of Hormuz, gateway to 40% of the world's fuel supply.

"Let it be clear to all who would dare threaten the Iranian people," said Revolutionary Guards General Mostafa Fattah, "our great nation will retaliate using every vessel at its disposal. To any aggressor planning a land assault, I tell you: the desert sands will be drowned in light sweet crude oil."

G8 Kind of Sucks

Sapporo, Japan -- Thousands of protesters grotesquely resembling world leaders have begun gathering on Japan's Hokkaido island in anticipation of Monday's 2008 Group of Eight summit.

A quarter of a million police officers were dispatched to the tiny Toyako lakeside resort in anticipation of violent activism that could include anti-globalization rallies, demands for climate-affecting environmental policy changes, and pathetic whining about the supposedly dwindling global food supply.

"Our men are trained, capable, and highly motivated," said Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. "It is easy to identify and control the radical elements—all we have to do is search for scary big-headed freaks who look like President George W. Bush, Chancellor Angela Merkel, or me."

Depression Not So Great

New York, NY -- Last Friday's stock market near-crash sent waves of intestinal cramps rippling through the world's investment community.

With the Dow Jones Industrial Average having lost more value than at any time post-1929 and reaching its lowest point in the past 22 months, the current financial crisis is taking a psychological and emotional toll on jittery investors.

"I used to think my trading experience and insider knowledge would give me the edge when it came time to set up my own retirement fund," said Wall Street commodities broker Simon Kaplan. "Now I might have to break the lease on my 7-Series BMW. I'm very depressed."

North Korea Better Off with Nuclear Reactors

An Editorial -- Bitterness, disagreement, and animosity characterize U.S.-North Korea relations, but the long decades of name calling and saber rattling could be nearing an end.

President George W. Bush formally removed North Korea from America's list of regimes that sponsor terrorism, and declared the former rogue state to be "kind of annoying, but no longer eligible for the Axis of Evil."

Recent diplomatic breakthroughs aimed at reducing nuclear proliferation appear, on the surface at least, to benefit the world's peace and security. Are these changes truly positive?

Provision of financial incentives to Pyongyang in exchange for the demolition of its cooling tower at Yongbyon will spawn unexpected new threats that could destabilize already shaky international markets.

U.S. to Provide Israel with Munitions for Iranian Assault?

Tel Aviv, Israel -- Israel used nearly one hundred F-15 and F-16 warplanes in this month's dramatic training mission over the Mediterranean Sea, clearly demonstrating the nation's resolve to prevent Iran's continuation of nuclear fuel enrichment.

Israeli Defense Forces Colonel Yitzhak Blum insisted that although his country firmly asserts the right to defend its existence, there were no plans to actually attack and destroy Iran's Natanz atomic facility.

"We could blow up anything we want, whenever we want," said Colonel Blum, "but we do not want to at the moment. There is talk of sending our planes to distribute some precision-guided leaflets to specific locations in Iran, but that's about it."

"Israel would be happy if it remained the only nuclear superpower in the region, however," the IDF officer added. "We're just funny that way."

McCain to Drill America

Houston, TX -- Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain presented a multi-part plan he hopes will overcome the United States' increasingly serious energy challenges.

Well known for his command of critical issues like national defense and servicing lobbyists, the feisty Arizona fossil is clearly attempting to raise his game in light of current poll results that show him trailing Democratic Senator Barack Obama.

Mr. McCain's proposal, details of which were disclosed on Tuesday, plays to a portion of the electorate that believes "alternative fuel source" means siphoning gas from their neighbors' cars and trucks.

Rafael Nadal Back Together with Pamela Anderson

London, England -- The on-again, off-again relationship of tennis superstar Rafael Nadal and plush toy Pamela Anderson is definitely on—and hotter than ever.

Nadal, the number two ranked tennis player in the world, took a break from embarrassing his tournament opponents Friday by spending quality time with his sexpot main squeeze.

Although he is most famous for his prowess on hard clay courts, Nadal is proud of his overall versatility, saying, "I think I have already proven my capabilities on soft, slippery surfaces."

"If you do not believe me," he added, "just ask Pamela."