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Somali Pirates' Suicides Confound Naval Forces

Haradhere, Somalia -- Tides of change are sweeping into eastern Somalia via the Indian Ocean.

Residents of the impoverished Gulf of Aden coastal region are combing its beaches in a desperate attempt to recover hundreds of thousands of dollars set adrift by suicidal seafaring plunderers.

For reasons not yet determined, the bodies of thieving corsairs have washed ashore, ballasted by plastic bags full of ill-gotten ransom money.

"We are unsuccessful fishermen because we feed the bait to our starving families," according to local starving man Abdulahi Dintu. "The nets, we rendered into broth."

"Today's fresh catch?" he continued. "Pounds sterling. Why would those outlaws end their own lives? They had everything."

Cheney Douchiest VP of All Time, Ever, Seriously

Washington, DC -- In the waning days of the Bush Administration, Vice President Dick Cheney has few regrets.

The salty yet savvy second-in-command revealed some of his complex inner feelings, however, during a recent interview by Fox News reporter Chris Wallace.

Mr. Cheney grew visibly impatient and annoyed when the newsman prodded him with questions about Guantanamo detainees, expansion of the executive branch's power, and presidential authority to access the nation's nuclear codes when disputing pizza delivery service.

An increasingly upset Mr. Cheney stated categorically that Mr. Wallace, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Caroline Kennedy, and even Paris Hilton could all go "bleep" themselves.

Internet Filled to Capacity in 2006

Mountain View, CA -- A comprehensive review of previously published data is now leading analysts to a startling conclusion: the Internet is saturated, and has been since the summer of 2006.

Based on documents, reports, and purely speculative conjecture, the majority of new content uploaded to the World Wide Web simply sinks quietly into fuzzy digital noise.

"There's valid, creative, important content streaming online every minute of every day," said Google Inc.'s Director of Surfing, Arthur Henry Humes. "Unfortunately, most of it gets bumped by spam, inane forums, and a crushing influx of unfunny, pedantic, pseudo-satirical 'news' blogs."

"Fake news bloggers are the worst," Mr. Humes added. "The half-baked stories and made-up quotes -- who needs that? Those douches are so full of crap, they're like big douchebags full of crap."

President Bush Will Relocate to Canada

Ottawa, Canada -- Soon-to-be former President George W. Bush made headlines Thursday when stories leaked he has closed a deal on a new house in Preston Hollow, a neighborhood in north Dallas, Texas populated by affluent capitalists.

Preston Hollow is home to famous wealthy guys like H. Ross Perot, Tom Hicks, and the richest old douchebag in America, T. Boone Pickens.

However, President Bush's most likely destination, a splendid ranch/compound/enclave located 40km from Toronto, Canada, was revealed when embattled Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper made remarks he did not realize were being picked up by a live podium microphone.

I'm Almost Popular: From the Editor's Inbox

Dear my friend,

Katrine is what my parents call my naming. Your eyes it is who I am writing these note. You to see, it is me who is telling you about I am lonely girl who only wants to seek to meet nice guy who are feeling same.

For sure I am to live in Estonia and it is unstoppable in these remoteness and not too many nice guys so that I am thinking to use these English and talk to new friends I have not meeting on these Internet.

My picture is attacked to these massage for your special looking and I hope you think my parts are pretty. In my town place they say I am face-nice and athleticism and probably fruitful. For sure to saying I would wish to meeting you soonest and talking about my favorite things interesting you.

Clintons Decline Obama Secretary Position

Washington, DC -- Senator Hillary Clinton and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, on Friday rejected President-Elect Barack Obama's offer to join his nascent administration.

A source close to the Clintons but not in a creepy way said the Senator and Ex-President were "disappointed" and "a little sick" to discover Mr. Obama had asked Ms. Clinton to be his secretary.

According to the source, who requested anonymity due to the insensitive nature of the information, the Clinton's highly touted "buy one, get two" appeal was limited to Ms. Clinton transcribing briefing notes in the Oval Office and Mr. Clinton making photocopies downstairs.

Pirates Will Collect Year End Bonuses

Mogadishu, Somalia -- Despite the international economic implosion, pirates plying their trade near the Horn of Africa report their best earnings ever.

The increasingly bold marauders have extended their profitable hijacking operations deeper than ever into the Indian Ocean, far from the sheltering coastline of infrastructurally challenged Somalia.

Their latest high-profile attack on the Saudi supertanker MV Sirius Star occurred over the weekend -- the lightly armed but presumably bloodthirsty pirates easily won control of the 1,000-foot ship and its two million barrels of crude oil.

U.S. and NATO warships patrolling the Horn of Africa region have been unable to prevent the crimes thus far, and are not expected to attempt intervention, interdiction, or interception.

Window of Opportunism

Special Report -- I'm not religious. As far as I'm concerned, everything turns to dust sooner or later. Redemption should be found in one's own natural lifetime. I think.

It's not like I lack a moral center though. I know right from wrong. Life is not about accumulating poker chips of goodwill and waiting to cash them in on Judgment Day. Spend your winnings now, and wisely.

We live in the Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Era. Is the End of Days coming? Is it happening now? Pick a theory and there is probably evidence to support it -- the same clues often validate coincident yet contrary points of view. No shit.

I diligently monitor world events, looking for indicators that fit together into the delicate puzzle that will reveal Armageddon's time, date, and zip code. My research is not a hobby, unless by "hobby" you mean "freakish obsession." If I painted my analyses onto grains of rice -- now that would be a hobby.

Melamine Shortage Could Undermine GM Bailout

Shanghai, China -- Global financial markets, manufacturing industries, and governments are exploring new and radically innovative solutions to the universal financial crisis.

President-Elect Obama's short-term plans for stimulating the flaccid U.S. economy include distribution of revenue raised from the sales of scalped presidential inauguration tickets.

Additional funding will be generated by the likely Hannah Montana TV show appearance of Mr. Obama's adorable daughters Malia and Sasha, widely expected to be the most-watched media event since the dawn of time.

The lame duck Bush Administration says it will authorize the purchase of 600,000 unwanted and unsold Chevrolet, GMC, Pontiac, Buick, and Saturn SUVs and donate them to former homeowners who defaulted on mortgages.

"Well, nobody can afford to buy those vehicles or fill them with gas," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, or possibly Nancy Pfotenhauer, "but if you park them in the shade they make a cozy little living space. Kind of like camping."

President-Elect Obama: I Wasn't Serious

Chicago, IL -- The election of America's first African-American Negro black president has been greeted enthusiastically by 53% of the U.S. population and almost universally by the rest of the world.

Stalwart Republican challenger Senator John McCain refused to admit defeat, however, and insisted he will keep campaigning "for a hundred years, if that's what it takes."

The national pastime of poll-watching is now pushed aside by newer obsessions: counting down the days before President-Elect Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, critiquing First Lady-Elect Michelle Obama's wardrobe, and gushing over the exquisite cuteness of First Daughters-Elect Sasha and Malia Obama.

"My fellow Americans, it's been a long road and we have journeyed far together," Mr. Obama said in a statement released on Friday, "but there's so much yet to be done. I'm not sure I'm really the guy for it."