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Robert Novak Drives to Top of McCain VP List

Washington, DC -- Deposed GOP presidential aspirant Mitt Romney is in serious but stable condition due to injuries he sustained while crossing a street in the nation's capital Wednesday morning.

Accident scene eyewitnesses said the fabulously handsome former governor of Massachusetts was in a marked pedestrian crosswalk on K Street when a speeding Chevrolet Corvette convertible driven by semi-conservative commentator Robert Novak struck him.

"The good-looking guy tried to get out of the way," U.S. Treasury clerk Amanda Boatswain told a WJLA-TV reporter, "but the ugly guy in the black 'Vette swerved to nail him. It was horrific."

"They went three or four blocks with -- I guess you said it was Governor Romney -- sprawled on the car's windshield," Ms. Boatswain added. "The poor man looked more surprised than hurt."

G8 Kind of Sucks

Sapporo, Japan -- Thousands of protesters grotesquely resembling world leaders have begun gathering on Japan's Hokkaido island in anticipation of Monday's 2008 Group of Eight summit.

A quarter of a million police officers were dispatched to the tiny Toyako lakeside resort in anticipation of violent activism that could include anti-globalization rallies, demands for climate-affecting environmental policy changes, and pathetic whining about the supposedly dwindling global food supply.

"Our men are trained, capable, and highly motivated," said Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. "It is easy to identify and control the radical elements—all we have to do is search for scary big-headed freaks who look like President George W. Bush, Chancellor Angela Merkel, or me."

Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

Depression Not So Great

New York, NY -- Last Friday's stock market near-crash sent waves of intestinal cramps rippling through the world's investment community.

With the Dow Jones Industrial Average having lost more value than at any time post-1929 and reaching its lowest point in the past 22 months, the current financial crisis is taking a psychological and emotional toll on jittery investors.

"I used to think my trading experience and insider knowledge would give me the edge when it came time to set up my own retirement fund," said Wall Street commodities broker Simon Kaplan. "Now I might have to break the lease on my 7-Series BMW. I'm very depressed."

North Korea Better Off with Nuclear Reactors

An Editorial -- Bitterness, disagreement, and animosity characterize U.S.-North Korea relations, but the long decades of name calling and saber rattling could be nearing an end.

President George W. Bush formally removed North Korea from America's list of regimes that sponsor terrorism, and declared the former rogue state to be "kind of annoying, but no longer eligible for the Axis of Evil."

Recent diplomatic breakthroughs aimed at reducing nuclear proliferation appear, on the surface at least, to benefit the world's peace and security. Are these changes truly positive?

Provision of financial incentives to Pyongyang in exchange for the demolition of its cooling tower at Yongbyon will spawn unexpected new threats that could destabilize already shaky international markets.

U.S. to Provide Israel with Munitions for Iranian Assault?

Tel Aviv, Israel -- Israel used nearly one hundred F-15 and F-16 warplanes in this month's dramatic training mission over the Mediterranean Sea, clearly demonstrating the nation's resolve to prevent Iran's continuation of nuclear fuel enrichment.

Israeli Defense Forces Colonel Yitzhak Blum insisted that although his country firmly asserts the right to defend its existence, there were no plans to actually attack and destroy Iran's Natanz atomic facility.

"We could blow up anything we want, whenever we want," said Colonel Blum, "but we do not want to at the moment. There is talk of sending our planes to distribute some precision-guided leaflets to specific locations in Iran, but that's about it."

"Israel would be happy if it remained the only nuclear superpower in the region, however," the IDF officer added. "We're just funny that way."

George H.W. Bush Banned from White House

Washington, DC -- Former U.S. president George H.W. Bush's Oval Office visitation privileges have been suspended, effective immediately.

The first President Bush served as the nation's Chief Executive during the stormy years that witnessed landmark events such as German reunification, Operation Desert Storm, and the entire career of neo-rapper Vanilla Ice.

Cheney Says U.S. Middle East Invasion Long Overdue

Ramallah, West Bank -- Vice President Dick Cheney used a rare Middle East visit to unveil the Bush Administration's latest foreign policy initiative, and he informed Israeli and Palestinian diplomats American military forces were standing by to "clean up this mess."

In a joint news conference on Sunday also attended by Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, Mr. Cheney acknowledged that speedy and successful peace negotiations could still prevent a massive U.S. attack, "but probably not."

What We Know So Far: Obama Blacker, Hillary Girlier

An Editorial -- The 2008 Democratic presidential primary season has been remarkable for its intensity and competitiveness. Fundraising ability, charisma, and competition for a fickle media's attention are the talking points of a campaign that is energizing the party's faithful while confounding its Republican adversaries.

Dark horse outsiders like Dennis Kucinich, Christopher Dodd, Joe Biden, and Bill Richardson have already departed the scene without leaving much of an impression. Although once considered a genuine contender for the nomination, strikingly handsome John Edwards has also decided to drop out. What remains is a fascinating slugfest between two heavyweight contenders: Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

Which one will best lead this nation into the dark abyss of liberalism? Who is most prepared to hand the keys of U.S. sovereignty over to the violent forces that oppose our way of life? What are the fundamental differences between the two adversaries, and why should we care?