MS. MIERS: I have no recollection of that conversation.
MR. ROVE: Could you repeat the question, Congressman?
MS. MIERS: I don't remember.
MR. ROVE: Are you referring to the first President Bush or the second?
MS. MIERS: Sounds familiar but I can't say one way or the other.
MR. ROVE: At this point I would like to invoke my Fifth Amendment rights.
Continue reading "Excerpts from the Future Testimony of Harriet Miers and Karl Rove" »
Special Report -- I like to drive slowly past houses at night and peer inside the windows. Not in a creepy way -- in fact, I don't even want to see people at all if they're in there. They are a distraction and block my view. You don't need to look at someone to see their life.
Being in motion while peeping is very important. It renders the scene in 3D. Incandescent sunset tones complemented by the bluish amalgamated glow of LCD TVs. Really makes the woodwork pop.
Maybe I've spent too much time underground. I like it well enough -- the sense of enclosure and security, the soothing hiss of a dehumidifier, the lack of drafts. What would you pay for complete protection from the threat of pillaging militias or rampaging mutants? Everything you have, when the time comes.
Chicago, IL -- Consumer extremists inflicted mayhem upon large department stores and shopping malls in the United States on Friday. Horrified witnesses described the scenes as "unimaginably violent" and "abhorrently price-conscious."
Terrorism experts believe the rampages were carefully planned and that bargain-hunting radicals often spend months researching "loss-leader" specials, traveling up to five miles to get a better price -- by force if necessary.
"Low-cost personal electronics devices send these people into kind of a religious ecstasy," said counter-terrorism consultant and K-Mart housewares purchasing agent Harry David Riviera.
"They'll kill without remorse to score a Blu-ray player for $179," Mr. Riviera continued, "and they'll step on the wounded to grab the last Guitar Hero."
Special Report -- I'm not religious. As far as I'm concerned, everything turns to dust sooner or later. Redemption should be found in one's own natural lifetime. I think.
It's not like I lack a moral center though. I know right from wrong. Life is not about accumulating poker chips of goodwill and waiting to cash them in on Judgment Day. Spend your winnings now, and wisely.
We live in the Pre-Post-Apocalyptic Era. Is the End of Days coming? Is it happening now? Pick a theory and there is probably evidence to support it -- the same clues often validate coincident yet contrary points of view. No shit.
I diligently monitor world events, looking for indicators that fit together into the delicate puzzle that will reveal Armageddon's time, date, and zip code. My research is not a hobby, unless by "hobby" you mean "freakish obsession." If I painted my analyses onto grains of rice -- now that would be a hobby.
Special Report -- I can almost hear your yipping and growling, but deal with this truth: when I'm mostly right, I'm mostly right.
Lay down your ax handles and let me explain.
What this country needs is a new reality. The old reality was working just fine for some of you, but everybody else was getting hosed.
For Americans, there are certain global expectations that must be met. Obligations, if you will. Talk loud, talk fast, spend more, get a good deal, spend even more, promote democracy. Import foreign TV game shows and export franchised fast food.
That precept has worked out pretty well for the first two hundred years or so, but history assigns a sell-by date to every superpower and there are indications the U.S.A. is about to get moved to the clearance aisle. Manager's special for the beacon of hope.
Special Report --
I'm smitten.
I resisted as long as I could, but have now listened to my heart and loins.
Somehow, some way, some day, Sarah Palin will be mine.
Politics are not my passion. They are a necessary evil; like removing mold from tile grout or cleaning a septic tank. Restoration, renewal, reinvigoration. Out with the old poop, make room for the new.
Washington, DC -- Embattled U.S. President George W. Bush continues his long, slow decline into history's dumpster.
A new Gallup poll places Mr. Bush's current approval rating somewhere between Brussels sprouts and explosive diarrhea.
"The Administration's handling of foreign affairs and the events leading up to the current financial crisis is taking a toll on President Bush's credibility," senior pollster R. Kevin Buck told news agencies Thursday. "It's like watching a monkey trying to fuck a football."
Mr. Bush's name has become synonymous with selfish, blockheaded ruthlessness in much the same way the public perceives financial traders, TV game show hosts, and seafaring buccaneers.
Continue reading "Bush Ratings Lower Than Pirates, Wall St. Brokers" »
Geneva, Switzerland -- Scientists at the CERN nuclear research facility expressed favorable initial reactions to their particle-collision experiments that commenced early Wednesday.
CERN's unprecedented tests, conceived to reveal the definitive origin and ultimate fate of the universe, employ a 16 mile-long magnetic accelerator loop buried hundreds of feet below the Franco-Swiss border.
Mysteries to be solved include: When did the universe begin? How big was the Big Bang? What did it sound like? Where is everything going? What does it all mean?
"The preliminary results, they are encouraging, for sure," project manager Dr. Claude-Charles Trebuchet said in a phone interview. "We are anxious to move our inquiries beyond the very tiny energy particles and start smashing some bigger crap."
Continue reading "Particle Collider Successful, Watermelons Next" »
Special Report -- I think about food too much. I know I do. I acquired the tendency honestly.
When I was a little critter growing up in the compound, my mother elected herself nutritionist for our entire breakaway republic. There's no telling what Mom would have achieved as Dietician-General if our fifty-two member group had seceded from the United States.
She taught me how to jerk groundhog meat, identify which insects are highest in protein and essential oils, and spot ominously bulged canned goods. The ATF may have stormed our crude fortifications and relocated me and my twenty-seven brothers and sisters, but my passion for the culinary arts had only just begun.
Special Report -- You may not believe it, but I detest being right all the time. The world hasn't ended in a dramatic Hollywood B-movie cataclysm, but the Apocalypse is imminent just the same. I know where to look.
There I was last weekend, trying on my fancy clothes for the upcoming Democratic and Republican National Conventions, when the news crackled in over the shortwave: Russia had invaded Georgia. My first thought was clever bastards; I always thought they would come in through Florida. My second thought was what took them so long?
I suppose the defenders' resistance has been fierce -- everyone in that part of the U.S. is heavily armed -- but those folks are going to need some help. Maybe we should airlift a couple million pounds of ground beef into the combat zone. That will stop those Bolsheviks in their tracks. E. coli O157:H7 or litigation, whatever it takes. There are almost 1.4 million lawyers in metropolitan Atlanta. Bloody stools and compensatory damages.
