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British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

Weakened in Paradise

Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.

Some of my enemies don't believe I have a reflection, but I do have one and it's rather attractive. I'm handsome in a non-traditional, asymmetric, rugged, quirky, funny-looking way.

Genetic attributes have a lot to do with it, of course, but my family's DNA chain has had its fair share of broken or missing links. My father always told me he's not sure about my mother's identity because he was really drunk the night I was conceived. 

Depression Not So Great

New York, NY -- Last Friday's stock market near-crash sent waves of intestinal cramps rippling through the world's investment community.

With the Dow Jones Industrial Average having lost more value than at any time post-1929 and reaching its lowest point in the past 22 months, the current financial crisis is taking a psychological and emotional toll on jittery investors.

"I used to think my trading experience and insider knowledge would give me the edge when it came time to set up my own retirement fund," said Wall Street commodities broker Simon Kaplan. "Now I might have to break the lease on my 7-Series BMW. I'm very depressed."

U.S. Food Supply Deemed Unsafe for Bacteria

Washington, DC -- Continued severe outbreaks of dangerous contamination have caused the United States Food & Drug Administration to give all American fruits, vegetables, and meat a "not acceptable" rating.

The latest salmonellosis scourge, this time involving fresh Roma and red plum tomatoes, has caused economic and dietary upheaval as well as enraging millions of consumers of pico de gallo salsa, gazpacho, Cobb salad, and BLT sandwiches.

FDA Assistant Commissioner Dr. Jane Corey expressed deep concern for the illnesses—and in some cases deaths—caused by food supply quality lapses, while promising her agency would redouble its inspection efforts upon returning to full staffing strength.

"We're a little shorthanded at the moment," Dr. Corey told reporters Tuesday. "A lot of our inspectors have called in sick due to stomach viruses and the 24-hour flu."

"Commissioner von Eschenbach sends his apologies for missing this press conference," the Assistant Commissioner continued, "but he's feeling a little under the weather, too. He thinks it was something he ate."

Budweiser To Be Remarketed as Paint Remover

St. Louis, MO -- Belgian beer brewing giant InBev has offered to acquire the brands, recipes, and assets of U.S. mega-brewer Anheuser-Busch, according to industry sources.

The two entities began discussing various merger and takeover scenarios as far back as 2006 with the goal of forming a beverage-producing amalgamation similar to SABMiller, Molson Coors, or Dow Chemical/Union Carbide.

If completed, the US$896.3 billion deal would create the largest brewski conglomerate in the known universe.

NY Governor Spitzer: There's Something In The Water

Albany, NY -- Concerns about the nation's drinking water quality took on grave overtones following New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's revelation that his recent marital infidelities were due to consumption of tap water contaminated by prescription drugs.

Governor Spitzer held a hastily assembled news conference Monday during which he explained his difficulties and suggested that his judgment may have been impaired.

"I thought I was doing myself a favor by drinking lots of water," the health-conscious Governor told reporters, "but it turns out that the favors were performed by someone else."

A Bigger Burger

Southgate, MI -- Saturday was probably the first time the line at the back of Mallie's Sports Grill & Bar in Southgate wasn't for the restrooms.

Dozens of customers--some with a cell phone in each hand ready to take a picture--jockeyed for position just outside the entrance to the kitchen.

They wanted to get the first glimpse at a 134-pound hamburger that could break the Guinness world record for the largest commercially available hamburger.

(link to article)

Drug Companies Reveal Ridiculous Profits

Wilmington, DE -- In an unusual display of conscience, the pharmaceutical manufacturers' trade organization admitted to its industry's long history of reaping astonishingly high profits. A statement released Tuesday by the American Drug and Placebo Producers Association (ADPPA) disclosed specific details of drug manufacturers' business methodologies while stopping short of admitting wrongdoing or regret.

"We were in a meeting—we have lots of meetings—and we were like, wow, how long can we keep doing this?" said ADPPA director Jean-Claude Michel-Vincent. "A couple of the guys said, 'hey, forever' but the majority of us decided we could afford to come clean. We couldn't possibly make more money even if we printed it ourselves!"

Australian Sperm Donor Claims 27 Children

Sydney, Australia -- An Australian man who gives away his sperm on the black market to avoid stringent official regulations claims to have fathered up to 27 children in two generations, a newspaper reported on Saturday.

John Mayger, 59, is still fertilizing about one woman a month privately because he says fertility clinics treat people “like sausages” and prevent donors from being part of their children’s lives, the Sydney Morning Herald reported.

(link to article)

Breaking News: Celebrities Commonly Use Plastic Surgery

Hollywood, CA -- A soon-to-be-published study asserts that many celebrities have obtained or are considering cosmetic surgery. Alleged procedures include relatively minor "nip-and-tuck" enhancements to the nose, lips, or wrinkles, but also often involve more serious reconstruction, such as liposuction, breast augmentation, or even pectoral implants.

"If TV personalities and movie stars are not absolutely perfect as popularly imagined," said Stanford University's College of Cinematic and Television Personality Research associate director Dr. Imogene Caesar, "or have been surgically altered to appear that way, the public will probably lose interest and just read a book or talk amongst themselves instead of watching."