Chicago, IL -- Consumer extremists inflicted mayhem upon large department stores and shopping malls in the United States on Friday. Horrified witnesses described the scenes as "unimaginably violent" and "abhorrently price-conscious."
Terrorism experts believe the rampages were carefully planned and that bargain-hunting radicals often spend months researching "loss-leader" specials, traveling up to five miles to get a better price -- by force if necessary.
"Low-cost personal electronics devices send these people into kind of a religious ecstasy," said counter-terrorism consultant and K-Mart housewares purchasing agent Harry David Riviera.
"They'll kill without remorse to score a Blu-ray player for $179," Mr. Riviera continued, "and they'll step on the wounded to grab the last Guitar Hero."
