Frequently Asked Questions

Harnessing the vast and terrible power of the Internet is much easier than saying I don't know.

You have an appetite for knowledge. You seek nothing less than the truth. You want answers. Here are some site FAQs.


How do I contact you if I have questions?

Contact information can be found here.

What if I don't like the answers?

You're on your own. Please think of better questions next time.

Do you have a procedure for returns and/or exchanges? If I don't like the news, will you take it back?

No and no.

If the news is really, really good, shouldn't it just be repeated every day?

No. That's a common misconception. Good news is overrated. Bad news serves a much more important function, which is to remind you how much worse off you could be.

Bad news travels fast. Are you faster?

We work twice as fast as aspirin, but without the upset stomach. Well, we're twice as fast as aspirin.

If I want to kill the messenger, how would I find you?

You're too much of a weak, pathetic coward to actually go through with it. You've never managed to accomplish anything worthwhile your whole miserable life. If you ever do grow some testicles, however, our real name is Rush Limbaugh. Come and get us, punk.

Can you customize news to my specific requirements?

Our talented design team is standing by, waiting to create news that suits your personal needs. Don't be shy, go ahead and ask. We're very discreet, and completely professional. Go ahead. Ask.

What is the purpose of human existence?

To click on Google ads.

Do these pants make my ass look big?

Yes.

Do you charge more for international news?

No! Thanks to our years of experience and massive buying power, we are able to offer imported news at domestic prices.

Doesn't a lot of that come from sweatshops located in oppressive regimes?

We don't understand your point.

Why don't you list your credentials?

We left them in the pocket of an out-of-season site and can't get to them right now. If you saw them, though, you'd be very impressed.

What is the best wine to serve with this site?

A nice red, like Clos des Papes Chateauneuf du Pape 2005.

Where did I leave my glasses?

They're right there on your face, Silly.

If I could change anything about myself, what do you think it should it be?

Stop asking so many goddamned questions.