smithismyrealname.com

McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

InBev Buys Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac

St. Louis, MO -- International megabrewer InBev NV expanded its portfolio of acquisitions Tuesday by successfully purchasing majority interests in troubled U.S. mortgage lenders Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

The deal closed shortly after American beer giant Anheuser-Busch's acceptance of a $952 billion takeover bid by the Belgian-based but Brazilian-operated purveyor of malted barley beverages.

"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have endured troubled times lately," said InBev CEO Carlos Brito, "but that will change now that they have joined our corporate family. A little tweaking, some layoffs -- there is no limit to what we can achieve together."

"We often make our expansion decisions based on brand equity," Mr. Brito added. "However, in this particular case the first thing we will do is change those incredibly stupid company names."

Weakened in Paradise

Special Report -- I look pretty hell-damn good.

Some of my enemies don't believe I have a reflection, but I do have one and it's rather attractive. I'm handsome in a non-traditional, asymmetric, rugged, quirky, funny-looking way.

Genetic attributes have a lot to do with it, of course, but my family's DNA chain has had its fair share of broken or missing links. My father always told me he's not sure about my mother's identity because he was really drunk the night I was conceived. 

G8 Kind of Sucks

Sapporo, Japan -- Thousands of protesters grotesquely resembling world leaders have begun gathering on Japan's Hokkaido island in anticipation of Monday's 2008 Group of Eight summit.

A quarter of a million police officers were dispatched to the tiny Toyako lakeside resort in anticipation of violent activism that could include anti-globalization rallies, demands for climate-affecting environmental policy changes, and pathetic whining about the supposedly dwindling global food supply.

"Our men are trained, capable, and highly motivated," said Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda. "It is easy to identify and control the radical elements—all we have to do is search for scary big-headed freaks who look like President George W. Bush, Chancellor Angela Merkel, or me."

Rafael Nadal Back Together with Pamela Anderson

London, England -- The on-again, off-again relationship of tennis superstar Rafael Nadal and plush toy Pamela Anderson is definitely on—and hotter than ever.

Nadal, the number two ranked tennis player in the world, took a break from embarrassing his tournament opponents Friday by spending quality time with his sexpot main squeeze.

Although he is most famous for his prowess on hard clay courts, Nadal is proud of his overall versatility, saying, "I think I have already proven my capabilities on soft, slippery surfaces."

"If you do not believe me," he added, "just ask Pamela."

U.S. Food Supply Deemed Unsafe for Bacteria

Washington, DC -- Continued severe outbreaks of dangerous contamination have caused the United States Food & Drug Administration to give all American fruits, vegetables, and meat a "not acceptable" rating.

The latest salmonellosis scourge, this time involving fresh Roma and red plum tomatoes, has caused economic and dietary upheaval as well as enraging millions of consumers of pico de gallo salsa, gazpacho, Cobb salad, and BLT sandwiches.

FDA Assistant Commissioner Dr. Jane Corey expressed deep concern for the illnesses—and in some cases deaths—caused by food supply quality lapses, while promising her agency would redouble its inspection efforts upon returning to full staffing strength.

"We're a little shorthanded at the moment," Dr. Corey told reporters Tuesday. "A lot of our inspectors have called in sick due to stomach viruses and the 24-hour flu."

"Commissioner von Eschenbach sends his apologies for missing this press conference," the Assistant Commissioner continued, "but he's feeling a little under the weather, too. He thinks it was something he ate."

Budweiser To Be Remarketed as Paint Remover

St. Louis, MO -- Belgian beer brewing giant InBev has offered to acquire the brands, recipes, and assets of U.S. mega-brewer Anheuser-Busch, according to industry sources.

The two entities began discussing various merger and takeover scenarios as far back as 2006 with the goal of forming a beverage-producing amalgamation similar to SABMiller, Molson Coors, or Dow Chemical/Union Carbide.

If completed, the US$896.3 billion deal would create the largest brewski conglomerate in the known universe.

McCain: Economics Not Rocket Science

Sedona, AZ -- Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain announced the formal completion of his correspondence course on the science of economics.

The feisty Arizona legislator has spent the last six weeks on the campaign trail studying the work of Adam Smith, John Maynard Keynes, and Robert Reich, using downtime on airplane flights and on his "Straight Talk Express" bus.

"I refute the suggestion I have little experience regarding economic issues," Mr. McCain told reporters Friday. "I was serving in the US Navy during the Great Depression, but I still remember looking around and seeing how bad things could get."

"We must stay the course of the economy," he added, "even if takes a hundred years."

My Secret Life as a Superdelegate

Special Report -- I had to take a second job. There's no need to review the nation's leading economic indicators—the price of pasta has nearly doubled in two months. Those weasel bastards in Washington only say "recession" when they're talking about each other's hairlines. Big juju in that word, I guess.

It's pretty rough that one has to live in a dual-income household just to make ends meet. My wife took the kids and left me, so I'm kind of hosed in the financial resources department. The upside is I don't have to hear all of that constant whining about "nutritious food", "proper health care", or "bail money."

Obama: Hillary Bitter, McCain Sour, Pennsylvania Sweet

Terre Haute, IN -- Democratic presidential frontrunner Senator Barack Obama was put on the defensive this week for controversial remarks he made about the way Pennsylvania's municipalities taste.

While stumping in San Francisco last Sunday, Mr. Obama suggested that Pennsylvania small-towns were "bitter". His opponents seized the opportunity to attack the Illinois Senator by gathering together in a massive, bi-partisan, vitriolic dogpile.