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British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

Jenna Bush to Wed Satan in Texas

Crawford, TX -- Jenna Bush will marry Satan, Prince of Darkness, in a private ceremony to be held at the bride's family's ranch Saturday evening.

U.S. President George W. Bush arranged the unholy union in exchange for his election to two terms serving as the nation's Chief Executive.

"The way she and her sister Barbara ran around—," Mr. Bush said, "their Grandma used to warn them they'd go to hell. They never dreamed I had already cut a deal with that Beelzebub feller."

"I hate to let my daughter go," the President added, "but at least I still have one left."

Microsoft to Merge with Scarlett Johansson

Redmond, WA -- Having failed to get into Yahoo!'s pants, Microsoft Corporation changed tactics and announced its intention to acquire beautiful 23-year-old movie actress Scarlett Johansson.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer explained the software/Internet giant's plan during a press conference on Monday.

"We simply must possess Scarlett before Apple or Google put the moves on her," Mr. Ballmer said. "The last time our stockholders were this excited was when we settled our monopoly case in 2001."

"Scarlett is super-pretty and super-hot," he added. "We just want to stroke her hair and maybe turn her into a game or a screensaver or something."

Obama Apologizes for Vanity Fair Cover

Indianapolis, IN -- Democratic presidential frontrunner Senator Barack Obama expressed regret Monday for his provocative photos published in the June issue of Vanity Fair magazine.

The Illinois Senator insisted Annie Leibovitz's photography was "tasteful and artistic," but he admitted he "got caught up in the moment" and "couldn't remember every teeny tiny detail."

"It doesn't matter what I say or do," said the charismatic 46-year-old civil rights attorney, who wore little more than a satin sheet and a smile for the pictorial spread. "All you people want to do is hate on me anyway."

Amy Winehouse Attacks San Diego Swimmers

San Diego, CA -- Despite her ever-growing fame and wealth, Grammy Award winner Amy Winehouse appears to be on a rampage of horrific terror.

The talented and tattooed British singer/songwriter has been charged with attacking swimmers at Solana Beach near San Diego, killing one and injuring dozens.

According to a police source who wished to remain androgynous, the beehived soul singer was "out of control" during the booking process, but became "calm and tractable" after an old Young Ones TV series videotape was played in her holding cell.

"She thinks that show is a documentary and the 'Vyvyan' sociopath punk character is real," said the source.

Blackwater Out of Iraq, Naomi Campbell In?

Moyock, NC -- Private security company Blackwater Worldwide has billed U.S. Federal agencies more than $1 billion in the last eight years, mostly for shooting at tin cans and punching civilians.

The paramilitary organization recently received a one-year renewal of its controversial contract to protect American government and commercial interests in Iraq.

Blackwater, named after the dark sludge that accumulates when plumbing backs up, has drawn criticism for its employees' tendency to operate outside normal military rules of engagement, or indeed, civil law.

"There's nothing wrong with the way these brave contractors go about their business," said U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, "except I think they could be a little tougher. And I wish they didn't get caught as often when they overstep their bounds."

Musharraf Replaces Castro, Becomes President of Cuba

Havana, Cuba -- Pakistan's President Pervez Musharraf shocked his constituents and the rest of the world by assuming control of Cuba on Tuesday. Following the negative outcome of Monday's Pakistan parliamentary elections, the former special-ops commando and army general decided he was ready for new challenges. With the announcement that longtime Cuban dictator and fashion icon Fidel Castro would resign his office effective immediately, a perfect opportunity presented itself to Mr. Musharraf.

"I found myself unexpectedly between positions," the feisty Pakistani despot told reporters upon his arrival at Havana's José Martí International Airport, "and I asked, hey, what's the next country I would like to take over in a bloodless coup? It just had to be Cuba."

Paul McCartney Hires Jane Fonda

London, England -- Sir Paul McCartney agreed to terms with actress and activist Jane Fonda on Friday, announcing that two-time Academy Award winner Fonda would become his public relations manager. The embattled McCartney said in a press release he welcomed Ms. Fonda's support and looked forward to putting her communication skills to good use.

"She's articulate, then, isn't she?" Sir Paul remarked to reporters. "The old girl has the gift of gab, she does."

Amy Winehouse Suspends GOP Presidential Campaign

London, England -- British pop singer and controlled substance hobbyist Amy Winehouse announced her withdrawal on Thursday from the 2008 U.S Republican Party primary race. Ms. Winehouse's troubled quest for the GOP nomination withstood repeated setbacks, not the least of which being the United States' refusal to grant her an entry visa.

"Amy could have gone the distance," said celebrity presidential candidate expert Désirée Clary, "but she never had a chance to take her message directly to the people. I think those various episodes like running around all disoriented in her bra probably hurt, too."

"She campaigned on her 'traditional conservative' strengths, like complete dissociation from reality, and on her experience," added Ms. Clary. "Withdrawal is something Amy Winehouse is quite familiar with."