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Fashion Week: As Luck Would Have It

Special Report -- I wore my lucky shoes today.

It's been close to fifteen years since I paid thirty dollars for those black cross trainer/walking shoes at El-Bee Shoe Outlet. Inexpensive, amazingly comfortable, go-with-everything footwear. My back never hurts when I wear them, even when I have to walk on or stand on concrete floors all day.

Those shoes were on my feet for many grueling stage productions. Lots of trade shows and factory visits, too. I wore my lucky shoes to China in 2005 but didn't walk all the way there -- I sat inside an airplane that flew over the North Pole.

My lucky shoes are casual enough to wear with jeans, yet smart-looking enough to complement dress pants. I wore them once with shorts and ankle-high black socks. It was a long day outside in the summer but my feet felt great. I don't think people in Ohio dress like that, though.

The Sucker Punch of a Brighter Tomorrow

Special Report -- I awake in the 4:00 AM gloom, unable to breathe. A bearded, brown-eyed Cyclops wearing a feathery plumed hat lies on my chest staring at me. My Indiglo watch's pale luminescence reveals the intruder's identity: cat #27 nuzzling my pajama pants drawstring again.

I am by necessity a cat rancher. Felines are useful for their varmint-hunting prowess, pelts, and milk. A dozen or so can keep you warm when no other heat source is available. Milking them is not an enterprise to be underestimated, but I have small hands so no problem there.

I'm enjoying my time above ground. Most of it, anyway. It's hard to sleep at night -- I have trouble resting because every day ends with a sense of unfinished business. I can't relax. And then those effing cats come around again.

President-Elect Obama: I Wasn't Serious

Chicago, IL -- The election of America's first African-American Negro black president has been greeted enthusiastically by 53% of the U.S. population and almost universally by the rest of the world.

Stalwart Republican challenger Senator John McCain refused to admit defeat, however, and insisted he will keep campaigning "for a hundred years, if that's what it takes."

The national pastime of poll-watching is now pushed aside by newer obsessions: counting down the days before President-Elect Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, critiquing First Lady-Elect Michelle Obama's wardrobe, and gushing over the exquisite cuteness of First Daughters-Elect Sasha and Malia Obama.

"My fellow Americans, it's been a long road and we have journeyed far together," Mr. Obama said in a statement released on Friday, "but there's so much yet to be done. I'm not sure I'm really the guy for it."

Liquid Plumber: Joe's Wardrobe Costs GOP $150K

Defiance, OH -- Controversial new campaign financial disclosures are rocking the waning days of Senator John McCain's 2008 White House bid.

In the midst of a tightening presidential race between Mr. McCain and Democratic Senator Barack Obama, the supposedly biased media is clearly resisting every opportunity to slant the news against the creepy, disconnected, Bush-loving old guy from Arizona.

On Friday, the Republican National Committee reported receipts amounting to nearly $150,000 for clothing, cosmetic treatments, and beef jerky allocated to McCain campaign phenomenon Samuel "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher.

McCain senior strategist and speechwriter Mark Salter dismissed the bills as "irrelevant" and "false" while insisting, "even if the story were true, and it is, Obama will raise taxes."

Palin Better Qualified to Handle Fashion Crisis

Philadelphia, PA -- GOP vice presidential nominee Governor Sarah Palin came under fire Tuesday after the disclosure of Republican National Committee receipts detailing lavish spending sprees on her hair, makeup, and haute couture.

The bills paid by the RNC total approximately $150,000 -- an unprecedented amount for any Republican candidate to budget for fancy clothing and cosmetics, although political-fashion experts argue that a Mitt Romney White House bid would probably rack up at least twice as much on a weekly basis.

RNC spokesbuyer Maria Comella refused to comment on the report's details, although she reaffirmed the McCain campaign's commitment to a strong, stylish America and described Ms. Palin's look as "bitchin'."

The GOP is clearly tapping into a societal predisposition to dress-up Barbie, although most old white male Republicans mentally undress Alaska's popular populist governor.

Celebrities Struggling to Make Ends Meet

Los Angeles, CA -- The world's sagging economy is placing severe hardships on a majority of famous, beautiful people, many of whom are barely able to keep up.

Bank failures, rising food and energy costs, the mortgage crisis -- it's never been more difficult for fabulously wealthy stars to afford life's basic necessities.

In particularly hard hit regions like Beverly Park or the Hamptons, some of the most impoverished privileged are unable to maintain their premium cable TV programming, dine out more than five nights a week, or even purchase the latest cell phones.

British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

Poll: Cindy McCain Hotter than Michelle Obama?

Washington, DC -- Presumptive Democratic nominee Senator Barack Obama continues to consolidate the support of vanquished rival Senator Hillary Clinton, while Mr. Obama's likely Republican challenger Senator John McCain is not getting any younger.

An unpopular war in Iraq, the imploding U.S. economy, rising food and fuel prices, and concerns about Angelina Jolie's imminent delivery of twins have all dominated the ramp-up to November's presidential contest, but Americans are finally speaking out about the core issues that affect their daily lives.

A poll released Wednesday offers new evidence of a tightening 2008 White House race, with the candidates' wives currently running in a statistical dead heat—an indication this year's election could be decided by the public's opinion about whichever prospective First Lady is the hottest.

Jenna Bush to Wed Satan in Texas

Crawford, TX -- Jenna Bush will marry Satan, Prince of Darkness, in a private ceremony to be held at the bride's family's ranch Saturday evening.

U.S. President George W. Bush arranged the unholy union in exchange for his election to two terms serving as the nation's Chief Executive.

"The way she and her sister Barbara ran around—," Mr. Bush said, "their Grandma used to warn them they'd go to hell. They never dreamed I had already cut a deal with that Beelzebub feller."

"I hate to let my daughter go," the President added, "but at least I still have one left."

Microsoft to Merge with Scarlett Johansson

Redmond, WA -- Having failed to get into Yahoo!'s pants, Microsoft Corporation changed tactics and announced its intention to acquire beautiful 23-year-old movie actress Scarlett Johansson.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer explained the software/Internet giant's plan during a press conference on Monday.

"We simply must possess Scarlett before Apple or Google put the moves on her," Mr. Ballmer said. "The last time our stockholders were this excited was when we settled our monopoly case in 2001."

"Scarlett is super-pretty and super-hot," he added. "We just want to stroke her hair and maybe turn her into a game or a screensaver or something."