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Obama: New Yorker Cover Real After All

New York, NY -- Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama withdrew his initial criticism of The New Yorker magazine's controversial front cover illustration featuring the Senator and his wife Michelle.

Within an hour of the July 16th issue's release, Mr. Obama's staff had released a vitriolic protest of the caricature produced by Canadian-born cartoonist Barry Blitt, but the campaign's harsh words were soon recanted.

"The Senator's outrage was entirely understandable," said Mr. Obama's communications director Bill Burton. "He simply didn't expect anything like that to come from such a normally left-leaning source. Then he talked to Mrs. Obama and they agreed The New Yorker pretty much nailed it."

"However," Mr. Burton continued, "at no time or under any circumstance has Senator Obama ever consumed a human infant. He is not a baby-eater."

Apple: Old iPhone Junk, New Version Shinier Than Ever

San Francisco, CA -- Less than one year after the introduction of Apple's revolutionary iPhone, the anticipated launch of that device's presumed successor has the consumer electronics market barely able to keep from peeing itself.

Apple's 2008 Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) will commence in San Francisco on Monday, and dozens of people have already died or been injured in the frenzy to discover the new 3G iPhone's feature set.

"The next-generation iPhone will be faster, sleeker, friendlier, larger, smaller, prettier, smoother, and shinier than anything we've come up with so far," said Apple marketing specialist Kurt Chen. "Is it worth risking your life to own one? We think so."

2008 Consumer Electronics Show: Your Old Stuff Is Crap

Las Vegas, NV -- The 2008 International Consumer Electronics Show (CES) is winding down, and hundreds of manufacturers showcased their latest and most exciting products. Here are some highlights:

Apple iProbe: Apple's radical new hands-free music/video/phone/web platform is designed to be surgically implanted in the user's cerebral cortex. Once installed, the tiny yet stylish device transmits its content directly into the brain, with all functions managed by simple mental commands. No more complicated controls, cumbersome wires, or annoying headphones! Expected battery life (based on average use): one year. Suggested retail price for the iProbe: $699. Estimated price for implant surgery and post-operative care: $131,500.