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Fashion Week: As Luck Would Have It

Special Report -- I wore my lucky shoes today.

It's been close to fifteen years since I paid thirty dollars for those black cross trainer/walking shoes at El-Bee Shoe Outlet. Inexpensive, amazingly comfortable, go-with-everything footwear. My back never hurts when I wear them, even when I have to walk on or stand on concrete floors all day.

Those shoes were on my feet for many grueling stage productions. Lots of trade shows and factory visits, too. I wore my lucky shoes to China in 2005 but didn't walk all the way there -- I sat inside an airplane that flew over the North Pole.

My lucky shoes are casual enough to wear with jeans, yet smart-looking enough to complement dress pants. I wore them once with shorts and ankle-high black socks. It was a long day outside in the summer but my feet felt great. I don't think people in Ohio dress like that, though.

Graphic Artists Edited by Recession, Nepotism

Springfield, IL -- Investment bankers and automobile factory workers are not the only wage slaves feeling the pinch of a souring economy.

In the most blatant demonstration of corporate desperation and cost-cutting so far, graphic artists and designers are being kicked to the curb. Their numbers are increasing daily.

"CEOs and managers used to doodle concepts on napkins and Post-it notes and send them to the art department for refinement," said panic-decision expert Norm Delahaye. "Nowadays, the original thumbnail sketches are simply scanned and published -- with no apologies and no regrets."

"An art degree and five dollars will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks," Mr. Delahaye continued, "which is where a lot of displaced visual stylists are going to end up working."

Obama: New Yorker Cover Real After All

New York, NY -- Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama withdrew his initial criticism of The New Yorker magazine's controversial front cover illustration featuring the Senator and his wife Michelle.

Within an hour of the July 16th issue's release, Mr. Obama's staff had released a vitriolic protest of the caricature produced by Canadian-born cartoonist Barry Blitt, but the campaign's harsh words were soon recanted.

"The Senator's outrage was entirely understandable," said Mr. Obama's communications director Bill Burton. "He simply didn't expect anything like that to come from such a normally left-leaning source. Then he talked to Mrs. Obama and they agreed The New Yorker pretty much nailed it."

"However," Mr. Burton continued, "at no time or under any circumstance has Senator Obama ever consumed a human infant. He is not a baby-eater."

Apple: Old iPhone Junk, New Version Shinier Than Ever

San Francisco, CA -- Less than one year after the introduction of Apple's revolutionary iPhone, the anticipated launch of that device's presumed successor has the consumer electronics market barely able to keep from peeing itself.

Apple's 2008 Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) will commence in San Francisco on Monday, and dozens of people have already died or been injured in the frenzy to discover the new 3G iPhone's feature set.

"The next-generation iPhone will be faster, sleeker, friendlier, larger, smaller, prettier, smoother, and shinier than anything we've come up with so far," said Apple marketing specialist Kurt Chen. "Is it worth risking your life to own one? We think so."

2008 Consumer Electronics Show: Your Old Stuff Is Crap

Las Vegas, NV -- The 2008 International Consumer Electronics Show (CES) is winding down, and hundreds of manufacturers showcased their latest and most exciting products. Here are some highlights:

Apple iProbe: Apple's radical new hands-free music/video/phone/web platform is designed to be surgically implanted in the user's cerebral cortex. Once installed, the tiny yet stylish device transmits its content directly into the brain, with all functions managed by simple mental commands. No more complicated controls, cumbersome wires, or annoying headphones! Expected battery life (based on average use): one year. Suggested retail price for the iProbe: $699. Estimated price for implant surgery and post-operative care: $131,500.