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Robert Novak Drives to Top of McCain VP List

Washington, DC -- Deposed GOP presidential aspirant Mitt Romney is in serious but stable condition due to injuries he sustained while crossing a street in the nation's capital Wednesday morning.

Accident scene eyewitnesses said the fabulously handsome former governor of Massachusetts was in a marked pedestrian crosswalk on K Street when a speeding Chevrolet Corvette convertible driven by semi-conservative commentator Robert Novak struck him.

"The good-looking guy tried to get out of the way," U.S. Treasury clerk Amanda Boatswain told a WJLA-TV reporter, "but the ugly guy in the black 'Vette swerved to nail him. It was horrific."

"They went three or four blocks with -- I guess you said it was Governor Romney -- sprawled on the car's windshield," Ms. Boatswain added. "The poor man looked more surprised than hurt."

British Tabloids: Amy Winehouse Better Than Britney

London, England -- Troubled British pop vocal sensation Amy Winehouse won a ringing endorsement from the UK press, which used its annual Awards Banquet at the Royal Albert Hall to confer the honor Tuesday.

Trashy newspapers and websites across Great Britain named the tattooed diva their #1 source for cynical, exploitative headlines above all other entertainment industry trainwrecks and basket cases.

"Amy's got it all," The Daily Mirror Sun Post's editor Iain Toffett commented. "That voice, the body art, her trademark hair, her compromised respiratory system -- there's nothing that bird can't achieve, short of climbing a flight of stairs unassisted."

McCain Advocates Phil Gramm Surge

Detroit, MI -- Despite the Bush Administration's agreement with Iraqi leaders to discuss a timetable for a drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq, GOP presidential candidate Senator John McCain insists America must not "cut and run" or "quit like little bitches."

Mr. McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, gave a stern warning while attending a town hall-style meeting at the General Motors Technical Center in Detroit on Friday.

"My friends -- and I truly think of all of you as friends -- listen up," Mr. McCain told supporters and press. "The U.S. will withdraw from Iraq only after victory is achieved. We will achieve that victory by pounding the terrorists as if they are economical cuts of flank steak."

"I have the military and foreign policy experience to make statements like that," he continued in a strident, nasally voice, "even if I clearly can't tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni

The Associated Press vs. Everybody Else

New York, NY -- The most recognized icon of all news gathering organizations made number one in the pool of Internet communications last week.

The Associated Press (AP) sent a letter to the stylistically-challenged left wing blog Drudge Retort and demanded site owner Rogers Cadenhead's removal of boring quotations sourced from AP stories.

Additionally, the AP made clear to all and sundry it would charge fees every time its copyrighted material is excerpted, alluded to, or dreamed about.

Amy Winehouse Attacks San Diego Swimmers

San Diego, CA -- Despite her ever-growing fame and wealth, Grammy Award winner Amy Winehouse appears to be on a rampage of horrific terror.

The talented and tattooed British singer/songwriter has been charged with attacking swimmers at Solana Beach near San Diego, killing one and injuring dozens.

According to a police source who wished to remain androgynous, the beehived soul singer was "out of control" during the booking process, but became "calm and tractable" after an old Young Ones TV series videotape was played in her holding cell.

"She thinks that show is a documentary and the 'Vyvyan' sociopath punk character is real," said the source.

Cheerleader Homicidal Behavior on Rise

Lakeland, FL -- The widely reported March 30 attack on young Victoria Lindsay is a horrific example of cheerleader violence, but it is only the latest example of a growing trend.

Ms. Lindsay, age 16, was brutally assaulted by six friends in retaliation for allegedly trash talking them, deleting their numbers from her cell phone, and posting poorly lit and badly edited video clips of the girls on YouTube and MySpace.

Although law enforcement agencies believe supermodels and superdelegates are responsible for most occurrences of hostility and aggression, the role played by bloodthirsty teenage cheerleaders should not be dismissed.

Blackwater Out of Iraq, Naomi Campbell In?

Moyock, NC -- Private security company Blackwater Worldwide has billed U.S. Federal agencies more than $1 billion in the last eight years, mostly for shooting at tin cans and punching civilians.

The paramilitary organization recently received a one-year renewal of its controversial contract to protect American government and commercial interests in Iraq.

Blackwater, named after the dark sludge that accumulates when plumbing backs up, has drawn criticism for its employees' tendency to operate outside normal military rules of engagement, or indeed, civil law.

"There's nothing wrong with the way these brave contractors go about their business," said U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, "except I think they could be a little tougher. And I wish they didn't get caught as often when they overstep their bounds."

HUD Secretary Alphonso Jackson to McCain: I'm Available

Washington, DC -- Former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Alphonso Jackson sent a clear message to presumptive GOP presidential nominee John McCain Wednesday.

Finding himself with a little extra time on his hands in anticipation of his resignation on April 18, Mr. Jackson threw his hat into the ring for the Republican Vice Presidential nomination.

"I will put the 'vice' back into the Vice Presidency in a way that has not been seen in years," Mr. Jackson said to Mr. McCain in an email that was also leaked to the press. "Sooner or later, people come around to seeing things my way."

"If voters don't support a McCain-Jackson ticket, all we have to do is withhold a few economy-stimulation tax rebates," Mr. Jackson added.

Embattled Detroit Mayor Will Run for Governor

Detroit, MI -- Indicted Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick brushed off mounting legal troubles and announced his candidacy for Governor of Michigan.

The Motor City's "Hip Hop Mayor" faces felony charges of conspiracy, perjury, obstruction of justice, and blockheaded misjudgment—all stemming from an alleged affair with his former chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Mr. Kilpatrick and Ms. Beatty were married at that time, but not to each other.

"I'm young, I'm strong, and I'm sexy," Mr. Kilpatrick said in a prepared statement following his arraignment on Monday. "I can't seem to stop my brilliant career from bouncing off the guardrails—this is the most important of the many reasons I would be a great governor."

Cheney Says U.S. Middle East Invasion Long Overdue

Ramallah, West Bank -- Vice President Dick Cheney used a rare Middle East visit to unveil the Bush Administration's latest foreign policy initiative, and he informed Israeli and Palestinian diplomats American military forces were standing by to "clean up this mess."

In a joint news conference on Sunday also attended by Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, Mr. Cheney acknowledged that speedy and successful peace negotiations could still prevent a massive U.S. attack, "but probably not."