Special Report -- Here's why I should start my own bank:
I appear very trustworthy and can project an image of calm reassurance that I combine with the illusion of giving a rat's ass.
You should see me when I'm wearing a suit jacket and without my body jewelry. Seriously, you won't know whether or not I mean what I say! If the bank venture doesn't work out I can apply my faux social skills to the restaurant or hotel industries.
MS. MIERS: I have no recollection of that conversation.
MR. ROVE: Could you repeat the question, Congressman?
MS. MIERS: I don't remember.
MR. ROVE: Are you referring to the first President Bush or the second?
MS. MIERS: Sounds familiar but I can't say one way or the other.
MR. ROVE: At this point I would like to invoke my Fifth Amendment rights.
Continue reading "Excerpts from the Future Testimony of Harriet Miers and Karl Rove" »
New York, NY -- What a load. Hits the fan. Runs downhill. A lying sack of it.
Enough is enough, according to manure processors and resellers. Image is everything when it comes to marketplace perceptions, and the much-maligned poop business has decided to litigate for respect if it can't earn it.
"It's impossible to turn on the TV or use a computer without being bombarded by flawed examples harmful to our hard-earned brand equity," Manure Trade Association president Raymond Tonewell said in a press release. "Gov. Rod Blagojevich, former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain, indicted broker Bernard Madoff -- calling one of these guys 'the biggest pile of feces' damages our product's reputation."
"For the record," Mr. Tonewell added, "the world's largest mass of solid waste resides in our museum: a 900 lb. bat guano sculpture of the late hotel heiress Leona Helmsley. Rush Limbaugh can't hold a candle to that, and he shouldn't because it's highly combustible."
Continue reading "You're Full of It, Says Manure Industry" »
Haradhere, Somalia -- Tides of change are sweeping into eastern Somalia via the Indian Ocean.
Residents of the impoverished Gulf of Aden coastal region are combing its beaches in a desperate attempt to recover hundreds of thousands of dollars set adrift by suicidal seafaring plunderers.
For reasons not yet determined, the bodies of thieving corsairs have washed ashore, ballasted by plastic bags full of ill-gotten ransom money.
"We are unsuccessful fishermen because we feed the bait to our starving families," according to local starving man Abdulahi Dintu. "The nets, we rendered into broth."
"Today's fresh catch?" he continued. "Pounds sterling. Why would those outlaws end their own lives? They had everything."
Continue reading "Somali Pirates' Suicides Confound Naval Forces" »
New York, NY -- The current global economy is tough, and soon to be tougher than your mother's broiled flank steak.
Formerly prosperous wage earners are joining the millions of traditionally penniless paupers who -- in some cases, for generations -- have been deprived of life's necessities.
Well-established destitute Americans are now voicing their concerns about the dramatic increase of recently impoverished citizens.
"This is my appliance carton cardboard hut," said career hobo Chester Baxter of Manhattan, NY. "No room for more. Hop a train and get the hell outta here!"
Continue reading "Chronically Indigent Resent Influx of Nouveau Poor" »
Excerpts from an Unfinished Detective Story:
He was a chalk outline waiting for a place to happen.
I had roused myself and gotten ready extra-early that morning. A four o'clock shadow now covered my face like cigarette ashes on a dinner plate.
"As much as I hate my life," she said over her shoulder, "I hate your life even more."
I began to think I had a clue, and the clue was that my name was not on a big oversized check. Ed McMahon was not standing in my flower bed, smiling.
The striped tiger cat froze on the countertop, blending chameleon-like with the toaster oven and a stack of unpaid bills.
Washington, DC -- In the waning days of the Bush Administration, Vice President Dick Cheney has few regrets.
The salty yet savvy second-in-command revealed some of his complex inner feelings, however, during a recent interview by Fox News reporter Chris Wallace.
Mr. Cheney grew visibly impatient and annoyed when the newsman prodded him with questions about Guantanamo detainees, expansion of the executive branch's power, and presidential authority to access the nation's nuclear codes when disputing pizza delivery service.
An increasingly upset Mr. Cheney stated categorically that Mr. Wallace, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Caroline Kennedy, and even Paris Hilton could all go "bleep" themselves.
Continue reading "Cheney Douchiest VP of All Time, Ever, Seriously" »
Special Report -- I like to drive slowly past houses at night and peer inside the windows. Not in a creepy way -- in fact, I don't even want to see people at all if they're in there. They are a distraction and block my view. You don't need to look at someone to see their life.
Being in motion while peeping is very important. It renders the scene in 3D. Incandescent sunset tones complemented by the bluish amalgamated glow of LCD TVs. Really makes the woodwork pop.
Maybe I've spent too much time underground. I like it well enough -- the sense of enclosure and security, the soothing hiss of a dehumidifier, the lack of drafts. What would you pay for complete protection from the threat of pillaging militias or rampaging mutants? Everything you have, when the time comes.
Springfield, IL -- Investment bankers and automobile factory workers are not the only wage slaves feeling the pinch of a souring economy.
In the most blatant demonstration of corporate desperation and cost-cutting so far, graphic artists and designers are being kicked to the curb. Their numbers are increasing daily.
"CEOs and managers used to doodle concepts on napkins and Post-it notes and send them to the art department for refinement," said panic-decision expert Norm Delahaye. "Nowadays, the original thumbnail sketches are simply scanned and published -- with no apologies and no regrets."
"An art degree and five dollars will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks," Mr. Delahaye continued, "which is where a lot of displaced visual stylists are going to end up working."
Continue reading "Graphic Artists Edited by Recession, Nepotism" »
Ottawa, Canada -- Soon-to-be former President George W. Bush made headlines Thursday when stories leaked he has closed a deal on a new house in Preston Hollow, a neighborhood in north Dallas, Texas populated by affluent capitalists.
Preston Hollow is home to famous wealthy guys like H. Ross Perot, Tom Hicks, and the richest old douchebag in America, T. Boone Pickens.
However, President Bush's most likely destination, a splendid ranch/compound/enclave located 40km from Toronto, Canada, was revealed when embattled Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper made remarks he did not realize were being picked up by a live podium microphone.
