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Bush: Magic and Grand Theft Auto Will Boost Economy

Washington, DC -- In the waning days of his tenure, President George W. Bush faces dismal economic worries highlighted by rising gas prices, plummeting housing values, and stagnant American Idol audience participation.

Mr. Bush's job approval ratings are sliding toward an unprecedented value lower than 0.1%. This would be the first time below-zero numbers have been used to rank a U.S. president, although they are commonly applied to TV reality shows and fast-food chicken sandwiches.

"If there was a magic wand to wave, I’d be waving it, of course," the President said in a White House Rose Garden Q&A session Tuesday, "But there is no magic wand to wave right now."

Beagle Beats Underdog Obama At Westminster

New York, NY -- For the first time in the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show's 132-year history, a beagle won "Best in Show" honors. Uno, also known as Ch. K-Run's Park Me in First, was able to triumph despite late gains by Democratic presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama. In a feisty 2008 primary campaign full of come-from-behind upsets, the narrowly defeated Obama came up agonizingly short in his efforts to close what had started as a huge gap.

"My two spoken-word Grammy awards were enough to pre-qualify me for the Westminster competition," Senator Obama told reporters outside Madison Square Garden after the event, "but the judges said my beautiful head, soft eyes, and rich color nearly won this thing."

Dog Not Man's Best Friend After All

Vidalia, GA -- A growing shift in popular opinion threatens to upset the long-held notion that the fuzzy, tail-wagging, wet-nosed pet dog is man's best friend. Dogs' enthusiastic willingness to chew on shoes and eat their own feces has inevitably begun to wear thin with the human race. Building an intraspecies bond of friendship is now touted as the best alternative for the lonely.

"My god-damned hounds just go runnin' off for days on end, and get into burrs—and when they come back they stink like they been lovin' up some skunks," said kudzu farmer/tow truck driver/bloodhound breeder Red Clay of rural southeast Georgia. "Can't count on them dogs for nothin'. Now, my neighbor Arnie down yonder, he's one to count on if push comes to shove. He's always got cold beer in the fridge on his porch, too."

France's Queen Of Chickens Struts Its Stuff

It is no surprise that France, which has a proud rooster as its unofficial emblem, is holding a week of celebrations to mark the anniversary of the Queen of Chickens--the poulet de Bresse.

Over the Christmas season, this will include parties, beauty contests, a poultry market and, naturally, fine food.

(link to article)

Cats Have Five Lives, Not Nine As Believed Previously

Portland, OR-- Scientists at the University of Portland have reported results of a seven-year research project that has revealed common domesticated housecats (Felis silvestris catus) experience fewer lives than assumed. Although the number of cats' lives is now believed to be dramatically fewer no feline would comment, but typically yawned or started chasing a piece of fuzz instead. A summary of these landmark findings will be published in next month's issue of The Cat Fancier Veterinary Research Journal.

Dr. Ernest Doktor, who summarized the data for publication, refused to reveal how many, if any, cats were injured or even killed in the course of such comprehensive research.

"Well, so many of them appear nearly identical, it's really hard to say," said the scientist, "but there are always plenty more hanging around if you need them."