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Fashion Week: As Luck Would Have It

Special Report -- I wore my lucky shoes today.

It's been close to fifteen years since I paid thirty dollars for those black cross trainer/walking shoes at El-Bee Shoe Outlet. Inexpensive, amazingly comfortable, go-with-everything footwear. My back never hurts when I wear them, even when I have to walk on or stand on concrete floors all day.

Those shoes were on my feet for many grueling stage productions. Lots of trade shows and factory visits, too. I wore my lucky shoes to China in 2005 but didn't walk all the way there -- I sat inside an airplane that flew over the North Pole.

My lucky shoes are casual enough to wear with jeans, yet smart-looking enough to complement dress pants. I wore them once with shorts and ankle-high black socks. It was a long day outside in the summer but my feet felt great. I don't think people in Ohio dress like that, though.

The Sucker Punch of a Brighter Tomorrow

Special Report -- I awake in the 4:00 AM gloom, unable to breathe. A bearded, brown-eyed Cyclops wearing a feathery plumed hat lies on my chest staring at me. My Indiglo watch's pale luminescence reveals the intruder's identity: cat #27 nuzzling my pajama pants drawstring again.

I am by necessity a cat rancher. Felines are useful for their varmint-hunting prowess, pelts, and milk. A dozen or so can keep you warm when no other heat source is available. Milking them is not an enterprise to be underestimated, but I have small hands so no problem there.

I'm enjoying my time above ground. Most of it, anyway. It's hard to sleep at night -- I have trouble resting because every day ends with a sense of unfinished business. I can't relax. And then those effing cats come around again.

Accidental Life and Dismemberment

Special Report -- I like to drive slowly past houses at night and peer inside the windows. Not in a creepy way -- in fact, I don't even want to see people at all if they're in there. They are a distraction and block my view. You don't need to look at someone to see their life.

Being in motion while peeping is very important. It renders the scene in 3D. Incandescent sunset tones complemented by the bluish amalgamated glow of LCD TVs. Really makes the woodwork pop.

Maybe I've spent too much time underground. I like it well enough -- the sense of enclosure and security, the soothing hiss of a dehumidifier, the lack of drafts. What would you pay for complete protection from the threat of pillaging militias or rampaging mutants? Everything you have, when the time comes.

Melamine Shortage Could Undermine GM Bailout

Shanghai, China -- Global financial markets, manufacturing industries, and governments are exploring new and radically innovative solutions to the universal financial crisis.

President-Elect Obama's short-term plans for stimulating the flaccid U.S. economy include distribution of revenue raised from the sales of scalped presidential inauguration tickets.

Additional funding will be generated by the likely Hannah Montana TV show appearance of Mr. Obama's adorable daughters Malia and Sasha, widely expected to be the most-watched media event since the dawn of time.

The lame duck Bush Administration says it will authorize the purchase of 600,000 unwanted and unsold Chevrolet, GMC, Pontiac, Buick, and Saturn SUVs and donate them to former homeowners who defaulted on mortgages.

"Well, nobody can afford to buy those vehicles or fill them with gas," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, or possibly Nancy Pfotenhauer, "but if you park them in the shade they make a cozy little living space. Kind of like camping."

Bush: Magic and Grand Theft Auto Will Boost Economy

Washington, DC -- In the waning days of his tenure, President George W. Bush faces dismal economic worries highlighted by rising gas prices, plummeting housing values, and stagnant American Idol audience participation.

Mr. Bush's job approval ratings are sliding toward an unprecedented value lower than 0.1%. This would be the first time below-zero numbers have been used to rank a U.S. president, although they are commonly applied to TV reality shows and fast-food chicken sandwiches.

"If there was a magic wand to wave, I’d be waving it, of course," the President said in a White House Rose Garden Q&A session Tuesday, "But there is no magic wand to wave right now."

Beagle Beats Underdog Obama At Westminster

New York, NY -- For the first time in the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show's 132-year history, a beagle won "Best in Show" honors. Uno, also known as Ch. K-Run's Park Me in First, was able to triumph despite late gains by Democratic presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama. In a feisty 2008 primary campaign full of come-from-behind upsets, the narrowly defeated Obama came up agonizingly short in his efforts to close what had started as a huge gap.

"My two spoken-word Grammy awards were enough to pre-qualify me for the Westminster competition," Senator Obama told reporters outside Madison Square Garden after the event, "but the judges said my beautiful head, soft eyes, and rich color nearly won this thing."

Dog Not Man's Best Friend After All

Vidalia, GA -- A growing shift in popular opinion threatens to upset the long-held notion that the fuzzy, tail-wagging, wet-nosed pet dog is man's best friend. Dogs' enthusiastic willingness to chew on shoes and eat their own feces has inevitably begun to wear thin with the human race. Building an intraspecies bond of friendship is now touted as the best alternative for the lonely.

"My god-damned hounds just go runnin' off for days on end, and get into burrs—and when they come back they stink like they been lovin' up some skunks," said kudzu farmer/tow truck driver/bloodhound breeder Red Clay of rural southeast Georgia. "Can't count on them dogs for nothin'. Now, my neighbor Arnie down yonder, he's one to count on if push comes to shove. He's always got cold beer in the fridge on his porch, too."

France's Queen Of Chickens Struts Its Stuff

It is no surprise that France, which has a proud rooster as its unofficial emblem, is holding a week of celebrations to mark the anniversary of the Queen of Chickens--the poulet de Bresse.

Over the Christmas season, this will include parties, beauty contests, a poultry market and, naturally, fine food.

(link to article)

Cats Have Five Lives, Not Nine As Believed Previously

Portland, OR-- Scientists at the University of Portland have reported results of a seven-year research project that has revealed common domesticated housecats (Felis silvestris catus) experience fewer lives than assumed. Although the number of cats' lives is now believed to be dramatically fewer no feline would comment, but typically yawned or started chasing a piece of fuzz instead. A summary of these landmark findings will be published in next month's issue of The Cat Fancier Veterinary Research Journal.

Dr. Ernest Doktor, who summarized the data for publication, refused to reveal how many, if any, cats were injured or even killed in the course of such comprehensive research.

"Well, so many of them appear nearly identical, it's really hard to say," said the scientist, "but there are always plenty more hanging around if you need them."