No matter how delicious my recipes turn out, I thrust ahead on my journey toward culinary transcendence. My pilgrimage excites and terrifies me. There are so many foods yet to put in my mouth. I need more time.
Seasoned Greetings, fellow travelers!
A traditional wintertime beverage, now with bold, modernistic tweaks.
1 qt. skim milk
1 dozen eggs
3 cups dairy sour cream
1 cup plus one tablespoon powdered non-dairy creamer
1 pint vanilla-flavored liquid antacid
2 cups canola oil
1 liter premium Scotch whisky (gin or tequila may be substituted)
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Whisk canola oil, non-dairy creamer, and antacid into the eggs and beat until mixture becomes blended and frothy. Slowly add sour cream and skim milk; mix thoroughly. Leave uncovered and allow to stand at room temperature for one week. Stir in liquor and refrigerate for at least two hours. Serve chilled and sprinkle with nutmeg and cayenne pepper. Enough eggnog for five or six guests.
Non-Denominational Mango-Mint-Gummi Bear Salsa
A fresh variation on an old theme -- now even better because there's no mango in it!3 dozen cherry-flavored throat lozenges
1.76 oz. tin of Altoids spearmint breath mints
12 oz. assorted gummi bears
1 cup prepared buffalo wing sauce (regular or extra spicy)
3/4 cup liquid hand sanitizer w/aloe
2 cloves fresh garlic, minced
1 whole lime, coarsely chopped
Fresh cilantro leaves for garnish
Combine all ingredients except cilantro in a medium bowl. Stir gently, taking care to avoid crushing the breath mints and throat lozenges. Refrigerate for one hour. Garnish with whole cilantro leaves and serve with bagel chips, nan bread, or fresh pan-fried corn tortillas. Also great spooned over grilled game and salmon. Best when prepared and consumed same day. Makes about 3 cups.
Toasty Squirrel
Oh, it's in there! What could be more joyful than a squirrel covered in nuts?
2 cups all-purpose flour, sifted
1/4 cup baking powder
1/2 cup castor oil
1 cup flat ginger ale
3 eggs
2 medium whole sun-dried squirrels (about 1 lb. each)
2 tablespoons corn meal
1 tablespoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard (like Colman's)
1 cup chopped pecans
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Rinse squirrels and pat dry. Place in a large capacity food processor and buzz intermittently until well blended. Slowly add flour, baking powder, ginger ale, oil, and eggs, until uniform and forming peaks when dabbed with a spoon. Transfer to a non-metallic bowl, cover with a clean towel, and place in a cool, dry location for one hour or when mixture achieves the consistency of mashed potatoes. In a separate bowl, combine the six remaining dry ingredients. Spoon squirrel dough about 3/4 cup at a time onto a non-stick baking sheet. Using a putty knife and dental pick, form dough into fun squirrel shapes and thoroughly coat with pecan-seasoning mixture. Bake on middle rack of oven for 50 minutes or until lightly browned and crispy; serve hot with herbed butter or Non-Denominational Mango-Mint-Gummi Bear Salsa. Makes about 8 to 10 squirrels.
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