Splendid Holiday Recipes -- From My Home to Yours

The only thing I think about this time of year is sharing food and drink with my family and friends. My family, at least -- I don't have many friends besides old Mrs. Crotch next door, Doug (I think that's his name) at the beer drive-thru, and Yelling Boy, that skateboard kid who screams at me when I walk out to my car after work.

No matter how delicious my recipes turn out, I thrust ahead on my journey toward culinary transcendence. My pilgrimage excites and terrifies me. There are so many foods yet to put in my mouth. I need more time.

Seasoned Greetings, fellow travelers!

Best Eggnog Ever

A traditional wintertime beverage, now with bold, modernistic tweaks.
                                                                                           
1 qt. skim milk
1 dozen eggs
3 cups dairy sour cream
1 cup plus one tablespoon powdered non-dairy creamer
1 pint vanilla-flavored liquid antacid
2 cups canola oil
1 liter premium Scotch whisky (gin or tequila may be substituted)
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Whisk canola oil, non-dairy creamer, and antacid into the eggs and beat until mixture becomes blended and frothy. Slowly add sour cream and skim milk; mix thoroughly. Leave uncovered and allow to stand at room temperature for one week. Stir in liquor and refrigerate for at least two hours. Serve chilled and sprinkle with nutmeg and cayenne pepper. Enough eggnog for five or six guests.