New York, NY -- What a load. Hits the fan. Runs downhill. A lying sack of it.
Enough is enough, according to manure processors and resellers. Image is everything when it comes to marketplace perceptions, and the much-maligned poop business has decided to litigate for respect if it can't earn it.
"It's impossible to turn on the TV or use a computer without being bombarded by flawed examples harmful to our hard-earned brand equity," Manure Trade Association president Raymond Tonewell said in a press release. "Gov. Rod Blagojevich, former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain, indicted broker Bernard Madoff -- calling one of these guys 'the biggest pile of feces' damages our product's reputation."
"For the record," Mr. Tonewell added, "the world's largest mass of solid waste resides in our museum: a 900 lb. bat guano sculpture of the late hotel heiress Leona Helmsley. Rush Limbaugh can't hold a candle to that, and he shouldn't because it's highly combustible."
Determined to fight back against defamation, excrement processors filed suit in a New York district court on Friday seeking to protect their interests and force an end to casual trademark infringements.
"Crap producers are the global economy's unsung heroes," said corporate scatologist Dana F. Mellon. "Fresh and processed dung are constituent components of fertilizer, fuel, blogging, and many popular varieties of fast food. Our country does love its shit."
The case's outcome is hard to predict, say other leading stool enthusiasts, as established legal precedent seeks to assert itself over the general public's horrified fascination with entertainment celebrities, politicians, wealthy industrial robber barons, and Hummer drivers.
This diverse group of alleged image-stealing weasels is coming under fire from all directions.
Bayonne, New Jersey's American Hot Water Bottle Corporation -- the nation's number two manufacturer of douche bags -- announced it would proceed with its own claim of "willful misconduct" and "malicious misappropriation of its product's image, name, and squeezy-soft pouchiness."
The douche bag lawyers insist their legal action is unique and in no way related to that of the doody vendors, despite a steaming mountain of evidence that appears to indicate otherwise.
"It's not unusual for the average person to be confused by the differences between a douche bag and a sack of shit," said chief counselor J. Robert Barley. "As successful practicing attorneys, however, we are quite used to hearing those expressions."
