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Brush Off the Fuzz and Dig In

Special Report -- Today's special: salmonella 'n' jelly sandwiches and tainted milk. Your choice of side dish includes cultured mayonnaise rind, fruit roll-up kimchee, or refrigerator-blackened cherry tomatoes.

Is the nation's food supply at risk or are people just belly-aching?

A lot of perfectly good groceries are thrown away simply because of paranoia, misinformation, and perversely conscientious eating habits.

Although sensational stories of pathogenic contamination grab headlines, some experts are still reheating debates as old as last Thanksgiving's turkey carcass.

"Expiration dates are for the weak-minded," according to food archivist Denny Frisch. "Food Nazis want you to think it's wrong to leave tuna salad on the kitchen counter for more than seventy-two hours in July."

You're Full of It, Says Manure Industry

New York, NY -- What a load. Hits the fan. Runs downhill. A lying sack of it.

Enough is enough, according to manure processors and resellers. Image is everything when it comes to marketplace perceptions, and the much-maligned poop business has decided to litigate for respect if it can't earn it.

"It's impossible to turn on the TV or use a computer without being bombarded by flawed examples harmful to our hard-earned brand equity," Manure Trade Association president Raymond Tonewell said in a press release. "Gov. Rod Blagojevich, former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain, indicted broker Bernard Madoff -- calling one of these guys 'the biggest pile of feces' damages our product's reputation."

"For the record," Mr. Tonewell added, "the world's largest mass of solid waste resides in our museum: a 900 lb. bat guano sculpture of the late hotel heiress Leona Helmsley. Rush Limbaugh can't hold a candle to that, and he shouldn't because it's highly combustible."

Unreleased Songs and Forgotten "B" Sides

From the vault. The archives. Rejected singles. Hidden treasure. Secret hits. Basement tapes. Forbidden melodies.

"March of the Damned" -- John Philip Sousa

"Razor Blades, Broken Glass, and Model Airplane Glue" -- Alison Krauss

"That's Not a Roll of Quarters in My Pocket, Darling" -- Irving Berlin

The Sucker Punch of a Brighter Tomorrow

Special Report -- I awake in the 4:00 AM gloom, unable to breathe. A bearded, brown-eyed Cyclops wearing a feathery plumed hat lies on my chest staring at me. My Indiglo watch's pale luminescence reveals the intruder's identity: cat #27 nuzzling my pajama pants drawstring again.

I am by necessity a cat rancher. Felines are useful for their varmint-hunting prowess, pelts, and milk. A dozen or so can keep you warm when no other heat source is available. Milking them is not an enterprise to be underestimated, but I have small hands so no problem there.

I'm enjoying my time above ground. Most of it, anyway. It's hard to sleep at night -- I have trouble resting because every day ends with a sense of unfinished business. I can't relax. And then those effing cats come around again.

Somali Pirates' Suicides Confound Naval Forces

Haradhere, Somalia -- Tides of change are sweeping into eastern Somalia via the Indian Ocean.

Residents of the impoverished Gulf of Aden coastal region are combing its beaches in a desperate attempt to recover hundreds of thousands of dollars set adrift by suicidal seafaring plunderers.

For reasons not yet determined, the bodies of thieving corsairs have washed ashore, ballasted by plastic bags full of ill-gotten ransom money.

"We are unsuccessful fishermen because we feed the bait to our starving families," according to local starving man Abdulahi Dintu. "The nets, we rendered into broth."

"Today's fresh catch?" he continued. "Pounds sterling. Why would those outlaws end their own lives? They had everything."

Chronically Indigent Resent Influx of Nouveau Poor

New York, NY -- The current global economy is tough, and soon to be tougher than your mother's broiled flank steak.

Formerly prosperous wage earners are joining the millions of traditionally penniless paupers who -- in some cases, for generations -- have been deprived of life's necessities.

Well-established destitute Americans are now voicing their concerns about the dramatic increase of recently impoverished citizens.

"This is my appliance carton cardboard hut," said career hobo Chester Baxter of Manhattan, NY. "No room for more. Hop a train and get the hell outta here!"

Grilling in the Dark

Excerpts from an Unfinished Detective Story:

He was a chalk outline waiting for a place to happen.

I had roused myself and gotten ready extra-early that morning. A four o'clock shadow now covered my face like cigarette ashes on a dinner plate.

"As much as I hate my life," she said over her shoulder, "I hate your life even more."

I began to think I had a clue, and the clue was that my name was not on a big oversized check. Ed McMahon was not standing in my flower bed, smiling.

The striped tiger cat froze on the countertop, blending chameleon-like with the toaster oven and a stack of unpaid bills.