Special Report -- Today's special: salmonella 'n' jelly sandwiches and tainted milk. Your choice of side dish includes cultured mayonnaise rind, fruit roll-up kimchee, or refrigerator-blackened cherry tomatoes.
Is the nation's food supply at risk or are people just belly-aching?
A lot of perfectly good groceries are thrown away simply because of paranoia, misinformation, and perversely conscientious eating habits.
Although sensational stories of pathogenic contamination grab headlines, some experts are still reheating debates as old as last Thanksgiving's turkey carcass.
"Expiration dates are for the weak-minded," according to food archivist Denny Frisch. "Food Nazis want you to think it's wrong to leave tuna salad on the kitchen counter for more than seventy-two hours in July."
Thanks to modern refrigeration, chemical preservatives, and ambient radiation levels, perishable items stay edible for much longer than what is dictated by tradition or common sense.
Mr. Frisch insists the public's perception of "wholesome" and "appetizing" should be reconsidered.
"If something's worth eating," he continued, "it's okay if it sits out for a few days or a month. That's how yogurt, cheese, sauerkraut, and vinegar were discovered, right?"
The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) appear powerless to regulate the quality standards of America's food supply.
The two federal institutions complain of budgetary cuts, manpower shortages, and confusion over overlapping or overlooked areas of jurisdiction.
"I usually visit meat-packing plants," Chicago-based USDA inspector Donald Farley Dayspring, who requested anonymity, said in a phone interview, "but my supervisor told me to go investigate contaminated snacks from vending machines instead. How am I supposed to know what's bad?"
Set aside "quaintly obsolete, sensible" notions of delectability and personal safety, say the new wave of old-food fans.
"Consumer advocates and government agencies are reckless and full of mischief," said Mr. Frisch. "Gray ham and green chicken are the new white meat."
