Terrorists Attack Holiday Retailers

Chicago, IL -- Consumer extremists inflicted mayhem upon large department stores and shopping malls in the United States on Friday. Horrified witnesses described the scenes as "unimaginably violent" and "abhorrently price-conscious."

Terrorism experts believe the rampages were carefully planned and that bargain-hunting radicals often spend months researching "loss-leader" specials, traveling up to five miles to get a better price -- by force if necessary.

"Low-cost personal electronics devices send these people into kind of a religious ecstasy," said counter-terrorism consultant and K-Mart housewares purchasing agent Harry David Riviera.

"They'll kill without remorse to score a Blu-ray player for $179," Mr. Riviera continued, "and they'll step on the wounded to grab the last Guitar Hero."

The attacks marked the Christmas shopping season's nominal beginning, called "Black Friday" because it is traditionally the calendar year's first day that inspires shoppers to murder each other while they buy presents in celebration of the holiest of Christian Holy Days.

"I don't even like most of the people on my gift list," said militant spendaholic Dwight Plznyk of Libertyville, Illinois. "Getting great deals is all that matters."

"I'm no terrorist," he added. "For me, 'going commando' means not wearing underwear -- same way I am right now."

Cyber Monday, which follows Black Friday and is the #1 day for shopping online while at work, generates high traffic and heavy volume from customers too lazy or scared to venture into dangerous retail hotspots.