Washington, DC -- In the waning days of the Bush Administration, Vice President Dick Cheney has few regrets.
The salty yet savvy second-in-command revealed some of his complex inner feelings, however, during a recent interview by Fox News reporter Chris Wallace.
Mr. Cheney grew visibly impatient and annoyed when the newsman prodded him with questions about Guantanamo detainees, expansion of the executive branch's power, and presidential authority to access the nation's nuclear codes when disputing pizza delivery service.
An increasingly upset Mr. Cheney stated categorically that Mr. Wallace, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Caroline Kennedy, and even Paris Hilton could all go "bleep" themselves.
Although such enthusiastic support for onanistic love comes during the twilight of his public service career, the Wyoming Republican was quick to reiterate his "unimpeachable zeal for the rule of law."
"I love the Constitution," Mr. Cheney told Mr. Wallace. "I'm totally gay for the Constitution."
Immediately following the interview, Mr. Cheney boarded an Iraq-bound airplane to meet and torture the shoe-throwing suspect Muntazar al-Zaidi, a journalist accused of pitching footwear at visiting U.S. President George W. Bush.
An Iraqi court is expected to sentence Mr. al-Zaidi on December 30, 2008, one day before the trial is scheduled to begin.
"How could the traitorous dog miss?" said prosecutor Awad Yassin Shekti. "He had two clear shots and the element of surprise."
In unrelated news, the White House is facing new criticism resulting from the banking industry bailout. Compensation sufficient to balance the entire Federal budget deficit has been bestowed upon lame, underperforming executives who would be bounced out of any other industry.
Lloyd Blankfein, president and CEO of the hugenormous Goldman Sachs banking and investment firm, insisted that throwing wealth at millionaires was the only way to keep them focused and motivated.
"What's better than a shit-ton of money?" Mr. Blankfein was quoted as saying in 2007. "More money -- but please don't underestimate how much we rich guys appreciate other perks like mink underwear, chauffeured Hummer rides to the lavatory, and fabulously expensive butt floss.
