Pirates Will Collect Year End Bonuses

Mogadishu, Somalia -- Despite the international economic implosion, pirates plying their trade near the Horn of Africa report their best earnings ever.

The increasingly bold marauders have extended their profitable hijacking operations deeper than ever into the Indian Ocean, far from the sheltering coastline of infrastructurally challenged Somalia.

Their latest high-profile attack on the Saudi supertanker MV Sirius Star occurred over the weekend -- the lightly armed but presumably bloodthirsty pirates easily won control of the 1,000-foot ship and its two million barrels of crude oil.

U.S. and NATO warships patrolling the Horn of Africa region have been unable to prevent the crimes thus far, and are not expected to attempt intervention, interdiction, or interception.

"The ocean is bloody enormous," said the Royal Navy's Captain Neil Stigwell-Jameson. "We can't protect every aircraft carrier-sized commercial vessel that passes through the world's well known trouble spots, can we?"

In contrast, India's government has issued its navy orders that define a clear mandate and specific rules of engagement. The Indian frigate INS Tabar repulsed an attack after its encounter with seafaring bandits Tuesday, sinking the pirate ship. An Indian Defense Ministry source has described the swashbuckling raiders as "thugs" and "pussies."

Somalia, long known for its highly-evolved anarchy and nearly total lack of investment by foreign corporations, is said to be tacitly supporting the pirates' efforts.

"We have no tourism industry to speak of, literally zero," according to non-governmental spokesrebel Haji Osman al-Ghazi. "If the ransoms are not paid, we hope the hostages will stick around long enough to buy some souvenirs -- rocket-propelled grenades or cow dung perhaps. This is our dream, at least."

"Our natural resources are most abundant," he added. "Somalia provides a significant amount of the world's dirt, sand, and dust."

Somali warlord/pirate/Postmaster-General Abdirashid Bahdi Maar insists that his cunning adventurers "earn every dime they extort" and "exceeded every ransom goal" for the fiscal year.

"My men are fierce and capable -- they deserve rich rewards," Mr. Maar said during a recent interview appearing in Mogadishu's leading financial newspaper, The Abgaal Street Journal. "When one of the ships tries to actually defend itself? Maybe not so much."