Shanghai, China -- Global financial markets, manufacturing industries, and governments are exploring new and radically innovative solutions to the universal financial crisis.
President-Elect Obama's short-term plans for stimulating the flaccid U.S. economy include distribution of revenue raised from the sales of scalped presidential inauguration tickets.
Additional funding will be generated by the likely Hannah Montana TV show appearance of Mr. Obama's adorable daughters Malia and Sasha, widely expected to be the most-watched media event since the dawn of time.
The lame duck Bush Administration says it will authorize the purchase of 600,000 unwanted and unsold Chevrolet, GMC, Pontiac, Buick, and Saturn SUVs and donate them to former homeowners who defaulted on mortgages.
"Well, nobody can afford to buy those vehicles or fill them with gas," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, or possibly Nancy Pfotenhauer, "but if you park them in the shade they make a cozy little living space. Kind of like camping."
A General Motors source, who requested anonymity due to the speculative and inaccurate nature of the relevant information, said the troubled automaker had offered its workforce a generous contract buyout incentive of up to $180,000 per employee, paid in pure bulk melamine.
"China owes us cash, but they're out of money," said the unreliable source. "The only way they can pay their bills is to use other vital commodities, like melamine or bootleg DVDs."
"Kidney damage and renal failure don't sound so bad compared to spending another ten or twenty years on the assembly line," he or she added.
Melamine is commonly used to produce durable dinnerware and countertops, enhance the protein levels of infant formula, and control domestic pet populations.
Chinese Minister of Commerce Xiang Li Lin expressed doubts Tuesday regarding his country's ability to deliver sufficient quantities of the potent, powdery substance.
"We're a little overwhelmed," the faceless bureaucrat said in a written statement last week. "When we invested so heavily in the U.S. economy, we never expected to have to pay in hard cash."
Like the United States, the Peoples Republic of China is struggling to cope with the barrel-rolling financial crisis. The Asian economic titan recently promised to write itself a half-trillion U.S. Dollar stimulus check, about 800 bazillion Chinese Yuan.
Further compounding China's fiscal woes, GM Shanghai, which produces uncannily accurate copies of U.S.-made Buick Regal sedans, recently filed suit against itself for alleged industrial piracy and intellectual property infringement.
